The Seven Deadly Sins
by moonlitefaery
Summary: HGDM. Seven deadly sins:envy, wrath, sloth, greed, gluttony,lust and pride. pride always comes before the fall. this is one girls downward struggle to fit into a life that doesn't want her and the unexpected boy who helps her find some peace.
1. prologue

This is a new story I thought up, this time it's going to be a Hermione and Draco story. I'm taking my time though, it's not going to be a rushed relationship like some of my other stories under both Kandimoon and Moonlitefaery. The first few chapters are going to be based on Hermione's spiraling life then later as school starts and Draco and her are forced to coincide together, how they both evolve as people, helping one another. But like I said it's going to be a slow building relationship so don't panic, it's the first time I've tried it this way. Hope you enjoy it!

_Seven Deadly Sins_

_Prologue  
_

_It was that kind of a crazy afternoon, terrifically cold, and no sun out or anything, and you felt like you were disappearing every time you crossed a road. J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye_

The older woman sat patiently in her rocker as she stared out into the warm summer breeze. Her guest waited patiently across from her, leaning against the wooden railing armed with a tape recorder as well as paper and quill. The younger woman's stance was both relaxed and smug, with a heightened sense of an ego about her that was so familiar to her. The older woman looked back out to the peacefulness and serenity around her and took a deep breath before addressing her company.

"What exactly do you want to know?" She addressed to her young companion, who at this point moved to sit upon the ledge of the railing.

"Everything you can remember. Leave nothing out no matter how unimportant. The true story from your point of view, the 'nitty gritty' details as they say." She responded with professional flare.

"I wouldn't even know where to begin." She thought aloud as she pushed her grayed brown hair back into its tight bun. 'I don't know if I can bear the pain of reliving the beginning….' She wanted to say.

"Whenever you're ready." The younger woman coaxed gently.

"You know it's been nearly 50 or so years since _his_ destruction and very little seems to have changed in our world. The human world searches and finds new technologies and discoveries every day and yet our world seems to stop for decades and yet our life expectancy is twice that of those mortals without the gift for magic. And still both worlds are never satisfied with what they have, what they discover, there is always the search for something more or something better; something isn't perfect enough, people are not perfect enough for their taste and so they continue to strive for the impossible, the impractical. The Christians refer to that kind of greed as a sin, one of seven deadly in fact. Envy: jealousy of others, wanting what they have, what we do not have. Gluttony: giving into too much of any one thing, overindulging when we shouldn't no matter what the object or action. Lust: the overindulgence of sexual pleasure at the times when we should remain abstinent. Wrath: revenge, letting ones anger get the better of their judgment. Greed: wanting more than what we need or have when others have less than us. Sloth: laziness when we should be out helping others. And the last and hardest of all the deadly sins: pride. They say pride comes before the fall, the action of realizing you are not perfect but not wanting to admit it to the world.

"I was born Hermione Jane Granger, the oldest child of two dentists and the first magical child born in their lifeline. I started Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry at the age of 11 and right before my 12th birthday as a short bushy haired student with two enlarged front teeth and a little overweight for my age and no real friends. I did what I had to do then to fit in, to be like everyone else, to make them happy, to make me accepted before their eyes. When they called me a know-it-all I kept quiet, when they made fun of my teeth I accidentally had them fixed, when they joked about my hair I had it tamed, and when they called me pudgy I did whatever was necessary to lose the weight. It wasn't long before I was the turn to girl for everything else in the boys' lives. I was responsible for knowing what curses caused what pain and what the counter-curse could be. I became a hollowed shell for them, on the outside I was the intelligent know-it-all who was the brains behind the Golden Trio; Harry's other sidekick. Inside I was fighting my own demons, killing whatever was necessary just to feel the joy of life again inside this hollow shell. In the end my salvation came in the hands of the unexpected, the unwanted, and the uncertain. But that was nearly 50 years ago…foolish tales of young children who didn't know any better…" The old woman exclaimed as she stared unblinking at the open fields surrounding her home. In the distance there stood like a shining beacon of hope a small grey headstone.

"Please…tell me…what happened during those years during the Dark Lord's reign." The companion pleaded nearly falling off the ledge to beg her older host to continue.

"They say pride comes before the fall…but it was envy that started it all…"


	2. envy

A/N: I have the first five chapters done so far, but I want to see the response I get about the story before I put them all up. With my work schedule I don't get a lot of time to work on the story so I apologize if there are any grammar or typing errors. Anyway for the story I wanted to give the characters more of a realistic angst, because in the books you don't get a feel about how everything that's going on effects those around Harry, especially his two closest friends. Everyone has their dark little secrets they hide, especially with that kind of pressure on them for their age, so this story embarks on how I envision what would happen with someone in Hermione's position nowadays in this society, so hopefully its realistic enough. Like I said, let me know what you think and I'll start posting up the rest of the chapters when I get a chance.

_  
The Seven Deadly Sins_

_Envy_

_Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. Jennifer James_

Envy. By my sixteenth birthday I was green with it. My I-don't-care-what-anyone-thinks-of-me attitude was enough to fool the world but never myself. By the start of my seventh year of school it seemed as though I couldn't discriminate against who I was more envious of: my new non-magical baby sister who would grow to be my parents' perfect child, my childhood friends who lived their lives without fear of death and destruction, my classmates who never had to worry about being captured and used as bait for the Chosen One, my best friends for the attention they were given for their stalwart bravery in the face of danger. I was even envious of the departed for cheating the chaos and nightmare our once prized world was turning into. There were times like these, during summer vacation, when I would sit near the cliffs of my countryside home and become violently ill from the pain of it all, the blunt truth of the world and the grey lines between good and evil; other days I would merely sleep from the exhaustion of it all. I should feel grateful for being alive, for lasting alongside the Boy Who Lived and not have taken any personal beatings, but that is only what others know and see. Personally my hollowed shell has never felt more shadowed, alone, and destroyed, because I can no longer envision the person I was from the person I have created inside the stone hallways of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

The world knows me as Hermione Jane Granger, the now oldest child of two non-magical parents and a self proclaimed know-it-all. Being new to this fantastic and sometimes unexpected world I strove to catch up with those who have had years of knowledge and training, those who have grown up knowing the magic and history each and every day…I was so envious of them all… So I studied and hid behind my wild hair and bookish glasses immersing myself in my studies because I was too afraid to open myself up to these new and different people. In primary school I was never shy, and rarely studious, though I was never the athletic type either but at least I had friends, I had a life outside the books and tiled hallways and plaid skirt uniforms. Here I was the new comer, I was different, though there were others like me, I was still an outcast of their society and one of the lower rankings on society's hierarchy standing. I did whatever needed to be done to fit into their lush and luxurious way of life, no matter what the personal cost was to my own true self. When they called me a snob I kept quiet, when they referred to my lack of friends I met Harry and Ron, when they teased about my teeth and hair, I changed them, but still there was always something wrong with me, something that still didn't let me fit in with the rest of them. When they thought I couldn't get a date, I found one of the most famous Quidditch players in the world to take as my partner, and still it wasn't good enough for them. After awhile they became so used to my hollowed falsities that they incorporated them into their own lives. Even my two best friends expected it of me that I could barely contain the anger and frustration of it all. I had to know all the answers because I was Hermione Granger, the smartest witch of her day, I was their back up date, hell probably even their back up wife if neither of them married in the next few years. I was expected, predictable, and living one countless sinful lie after another, so much so that I wasn't even sure who the real me was anymore.

"Hermione, we're leaving for Bristol now." A voice called from across the yard. I looked over to see my mother placing the new baby in the car seat as her father placed their luggage in the truck of the vehicle. I sighed knowing full well how the conversation was going to turn.

"You'll be okay getting to school on your own this year right?" The soft spoken voice of my mother continued after closing the car door beside her.

'Not like it matters.' I thought to myself coyly.

"I'll be fine." I stated, and without further discussion the happy family packed up to continue the next two weeks of their vacation visiting their Muggle relatives. I should have been excited to have the place to myself for a short time before school started, but at the same time I wanted to scream in envy at their perfect little world. Sometimes I felt like I was no longer a part of the fun and carefree lives that the rest of the Granger family endured. Now more so than before because they got their wish of having another child, this time a non-magical baby who would go to a normal school, grow up in a normal neighborhood, and become the fourth generation of Granger dentists. I could have had it too once; could have denied my birth rite, denied the power and possibilities, but I was eleven then and was so fascinated at the potential this new world gave that I became swept up by the romance of it all. All my life I read fairy tales and literature about magic and monsters that to my younger self I dreamed of one day being a part of it all, and then my wish came true one summer evening when a nondescript barn owl delivered an archaic letter into my pudgy preteen hands. Glancing out into the ocean I let my thoughts wander away peacefully until the sound of footsteps brought me out of my reveille.

"Hey Hermione." A voice called out from behind me. I turned around towards the familiar sound of my long time Muggle friend, Elizabeth. One of the few people I still associated with from my non-magical days, though as far as she was aware I went to an all girls boarding school in Scotland.

"Hey." I sighed in reply, too tired from life to pretend to be excited about her arrival. If she thought my behavior was odd, she didn't comment, and to that I was grateful, I didn't think I had it in me to explain or share any feelings or emotions at the moment.

"I know you don't get a chance to see the old gang anymore, but if you're up to it we're hitting this new club that opened in town, you should really come check it out." Elizabeth Turner was one of those girls that every girl envied and wanted to be. She was flawlessly beautiful with long wavy blonde hair, legs that seemed to go up to her shoulders, and the face of a supermodel. Even as a kid I felt like the plain Jane of our group of friends, especially next to her. Her mother was a model, and her father a famous photographer, so she was always in style with the latest fashions and trends no matter what the cost. I never had the time nor the inclination to keep up with those kinds of things, which put the two of us on the outs since entering our later teenage years.

"I'm not 18 yet." I replied to my slightly older friend trying to sound interested in the prospect of drinking till your head explodes and dancing till your feet go numb.

"It's okay, my cousin is one of the bouncers there, we can sneak you in no problem." She replied enthusiastically while piling her long hair into a ponytail. I glanced out into the endless blue waves and thought to myself for a moment before replying. I was alone, and my other life was filled with so many false complications that maybe a night away from it all would be helpful. It was something my old self might have done had she stayed friends with these people all those years ago.

"Alright I'll go." I replied with a smile as Elizabeth squealed in delight. She began spitting off outfit selections and dance music that eventually I had to tune her out just to process everything she was saying. Not that I wasn't grateful for a night on the town, but I knew next to nothing about how I should go about looking like I was ready for a 'night on the town.'

It was barely mid-afternoon when we sat out on the cliffs watching the crashing of the waves behind us, so we still had plenty of time to kill before we needed to get ready and go. Since I didn't want to seem rude and get rid of Elizabeth so I could spend the next few hours in peaceful solitude, I let her stay and see what she wanted to do next.

"I've got the perfect look for you tonight." She grinned albeit somewhat evilly as she motioned for me to follow her to her car. 'Oh boy,' I inwardly moaned uncertain if I made the right decision in agreeing to this maddening fray.

"It's not going to be anything too…revealing…is it?" I curiously asked. She smiled and shook her head no as she pulled the car out of the gravel driveway. I knew whatever outfit she chose would never look odd or awkward on her, because she looked so great in anything she wore, including ragged sweats or a wheat sack. I was so envious of her versatility, her courage and I don't care attitude she had towards life. She was the type of person who truly never second guessed her life, who was confident and comfortable in her skin and her persona, and I wanted so badly to be the same.

"This place is so amazing, Hermione, you'll love it. After spending all that time at school surrounded by chicks it's about time you hung out with the opposite sex." She smiled coyly as we pulled into her large countryside estate; one of three homes her parents owned. The three story home looked barely used or lived in, but well kept just the same. Her parents usually preferred their London home and only used this place as their country getaway house. Elizabeth, being the opposite of her parents, always enjoyed her space in the outdoors and chose to stay here most of the time while her parents stayed in the city, which added to her carefree independent nature.

"I've always envied this house, though I don't know how you could possibly need all those rooms." I joked to liven the atmosphere a little; to prove I was still comfortable around my lifelong friend.

She shrugged and smiled back. "I've always loved this house for some reason, though I don't know why. My brother was staying here with me for a while before heading back to the States to finish school." She announced as she led the way inside. Her brother was four years older and drop dead gorgeous as well. He was your typical 6'+ well muscled, blonde hair blue eyed male perfection as if modeled after the Greek Adonis himself. Every woman, young and old within twenty miles of him were instantly attracted to him. Growing up with her family he always treated me like another sister, which was fine for a time, though I knew he was way out of my league. He was studying to be a doctor, something that confused his parents, but they supported him and sent him to the States to finish Med School. It's been years since I've seen him last, but I imagined he probably hasn't changed at all; still as perfect as ever.

The house was what I have always envisioned what celebrities or modern day royalty lived in. As you walked into the spacious doorway, miles of beautiful off white and blue tiles lined the floor in a kind of mosaic fashion. There were exotic plants on either end of the doorway and a large marble staircase on the left hand side to lead to the bedrooms upstairs. Their kitchen and living room were on the first floor along with a formal sitting room for high end guests and a laid back informal room for late night movie marathons. Outside there was a long in-ground pool complete with an indoor spa for the long winter nights. There was a tennis court on one side of the yard and a small miniature golf course that the two of us played with for hours as children. Her bedroom was three times the size of mine, almost like a miniature apartment, complete with a queen size bed, miscellaneous furniture, and posters of good looking male celebrities adorning the walls.

"I feel like I've been gone so long I barely recognize any of these faces anymore." I commented as I skipped from poster to poster; some were famous bands, others athletes, and others yet movie stars. Some I also found appealing, others were too…unusual for my taste.

"I don't know why your parents still insist on sending you to that god awful school anyway. You're nearly 18, an adult by any standards, it's about time you make your own decisions for once in your life. You need some major testosterone in your education." She commented with a wink then started brushing my hair. When we were younger it was the same routine; every time we were to go somewhere she would just turn into autopilot and begin dressing me up as a little doll to be presented to the world. I didn't mind the attention though; if it made her happy for all the fuss, than I could put up with most anything she did. The clothing is where we usually drew our dividing lines.

"It's not so bad." I shrugged. "Why do you keep circling me and staring at my head?" I asked with a smile as I tried to follow her rampant movement. She made a series of facial expressions, changing from pensive to indifference then to a smile so wide it would make anyone nervous.

"What's that look for?" I continued when she didn't anything right away.

"I have an awesome idea for your hair, but you're going to have to really trust me." She stated excitedly.

"I'm almost afraid to ask…" I stated more as a comment then a reply. She circled around two more times before explaining her grand plans.

"Well over the years you have proven that you can tame the rats nest of a hair your mother gifted to you, which will work to our advantage. Now, the best part is that it won't take you a long time to either style it straight or leave it to its natural curls. However, the weight of your hair takes most of the curl out since its so long…and you have such a narrow face shape…that I thought cutting it short and sassy would definitely make the boys turn their heads your way. And maybe add a little highlight to it as well…blonde definitely…since its such a plain light brown a few subtle highlights would so do the trick." She continued on merrily. I looked across the way at the mirror and tried to picture what she was describing. I was never one to linger over cosmetic beauty, at least not until I began school at Hogwarts and suddenly I was being teased for my out of control hair, slightly enlarged front teeth, and too big for my face glasses. I still put little effort into caring what I looked like for me, but rather put the effort in to please everyone else…to show that I could fit into their circle…so as Elizabeth is describing whatever drastic change she feels is necessary for me to fit into tonight's outing, then who was I to stop her? I was the guest of honor at this foray so I mine as well do what I can to fit in with my socially elite best friend.

"Whatever you want to do is fine with me." I agreed. Outwardly I joked and gossiped with an old friend about guys and movies and whatnot. Inwardly I began to worry about the outcome of today's experience. Ron, one third of the Golden Trio and my boyfriend for the past year, always preferred my hair long and full of curl and well…plain really. It was as if he liked me because he knew he could have me, as if he was just adhering to the expectations that everyone had about us. The hero always got the pretty ones, and the side kicks always had each other…that's what the three of us were. Harry and I would never even consider dating, he was too much like a brother, a wounded brother who has been through so much that you just wanted to tuck him under your wing for protection from all harm. But Ron…Ron was the hotheaded best friend who made up the stubborn brawn of the threesome. He was the 'act now' 'think later' type, and my total opposite which is why no one was shocked when we began dating…everyone just thought…'well it's about time.' I love him…love them both…but sometimes I wonder why I let myself settle for the expected…why I stay in my shell that I have proclaimed for the past 6 years to everyone else. Why everyone else around me has changed and molded themselves into the person they want to become while I stay hidden behind my countless books. Everyone expects these grand plans for me after I finish Hogwarts…Universities, Apprenticeships, the best jobs with the top officials of our world in either magic or even Muggle. To marry Ron and raise a large family full of clutter and fun and chaos; to except the easy road, the safest road in life without venturing outside the lines to see otherworldly possibilities… Never knowing what its like to travel the world for richer or for poorer, to see historic sites of both magical and muggle proportion…to see life for all its countless possibilities, without ties, without expectations, without a cage or a shackle tying me down.

As Elizabeth began to snip I could feel a piece of me chip away with each individual curl. I closed my eyes, not wanting to watch my life be cut away with every snap of the scissors. I could feel the weight being lifted both physically and mentally inch by slow inch. She took her time, stopping every so often to check to make sure both sides were even then before I could even peek at the new structure, she grabbed my arm and made me sit on the tiled bathroom floor. The coloring took another 20 minutes, since she claimed she was only doing highlights, however, I had my guess that there was a little more too the procedure, but I didn't care, if this is what it took to fit in with my friend, then I would do it.

"So tell me about this boyfriend of yours." Liz commented as she was blow drying her masterpiece. I was now facing the far wall of the bathroom and couldn't peak through the mirror to see how it turned out.

"There's not much to tell really. We've been dating about a year now, he comes from a big family up north. He's…well he's hotheaded sometimes, but a wonderfully loyal friend and a great boyfriend." I replied trying to sound interested. In reality I tried to sound excited to be talking about Ron, but in reality it seemed so strained, so rehearsed to me now. We've been friends together so long, made the transition to dating so gradually, that we just fell into a routine, without the excitement of meeting someone you're attracted to that first time. There were no sudden sparks of lust or the casual stalking to find out their favorite places or hobbies. No wild dreams of exotic places or passionate first kisses as that rush of desire is fulfilled. We just fell together as if we were always together that way, we were the picture perfect school couple. And I loved him….truly I did…

"That's it? What's he like? Don't think I'm going to let you off the hook that easy." She smiled as she finished styling my now shortened hair.

"He plays sports…wickedly good at chess though I'm not sure why. He's brave I guess, always sticking up for our friend Harry and myself or any of our other friends. He's tall, dark red hair, blue eyes…that's really about it I guess." I replied as I gasped at the person staring back in the mirror. Though I could probably stand to lose some more of the baby fat still lingering on my face, the short curls seemed to frame it just so while the highlights brought out some much needed color. I kept staring at myself for what seemed like an hour but was actually only a few seconds and tried to see this new person staring back so intently.

"Not bad eh? I think I missed my calling for beauty school. Anyway, it should do the trick well enough, you'll turn plenty of heads tonight I'd wager." She laughed as she began cleaning up the small mess of hair and dye.

"I have a boyfriend, I don't need to turn heads." I commented back still in awe.

"Everyone needs a backup choice just in case things don't work out. Besides, you rarely talk about him, and you've never brought him home with you before, and if he let you hide behind your books and crazy hair I think it's time you started looking for an upgrade anyway." She offhandedly finished. Some of her words did hit close to home, though I would never consider finding another boyfriend in the same sense that she would find a new computer…an upgrade…was she serious? Where I went to school I was lucky enough to have Ron as my boyfriend, and being Harry's best friend helped too, but there were dozens of gorgeous classmates who always got their first picks in dates…no….I was lucky to have my companionship with Ron…we were solid, routine, expected…and he loved me, what more could a girl ask for?

"I guess," I sighed wearily as I watched my friend raid through her closet for tonight's list of clothing choices. I shuttered to think what my choice would be, though I'm sure no matter what she chose it would be more conservative then her pick of course. She kept glancing over at me, then back at her closet, then back to me again and though I tried to follow her movements, they were so rapid I felt I'd get lightheaded just following her constant circling. A small 'a ha' resounded a few moments later as she tossed a pile of clothes upon the bed.

"I think we'll go classy mainland European for you, since the new do is so chic. It'll still give sex appeal but make you look a bit older and more sophisticated I think." The clothes didn't seem too bad. Long black straight legged pants that she claimed would help me look taller than my average 5'5" frame, along with an extremely low cut white top. I looked at her quizzically for a moment before cocking an eyebrow hoping my facial expression was easier to understand than words alone.

"Its not as low cut as you might think it is and its all the style nowadays. Besides, you don't have much cleavage to show anyway so why not flaunt what you already got?" Elizabeth joked as she went back to choosing her own outfit for the evening. Hers, so far, consisted of a short mini skirt to accent her mile long legs, and a short tank top baring her mid-drift. A minute later she passed over a pair of black heeled sandals that felt like silk against my feet. I thought to myself for a moment, the Hermione everyone knew back at Hogwarts would never be caught dead in such an outfit. Only those like Pansy Parkinson or Lavender Brown would wear such a revealing top; those kind of girls who enjoyed being confident, independent, and flaunting their sex appeal to the masses in such a charismatic way. Truth be told I hated them both; Pansy made my life a living hell because she was a purebred Slytherin Witch and to her I was nothing but dirt to be swept away by the Dark Lord, and Lavender make my head hurt from talking about boys and make up all day long. However, my hatred for both of them was also through envy, I envied their personalities because they didn't care what others thought of them, they knew they were good looking and popular and they didn't have to work hard to get the attention they always wanted, it just came naturally to them both. It seems I am envious of everyone nowadays.

"We don't have much time if we want to grab a quick bite to eat before we leave. The rest of the gang will be here within the hour so get pretty fast." She lightly commented as she began undressing in front of me. I hesitated, hating every thin taught muscle on her lean body, gawking like a foolish teenage boy would at a beautiful woman. She could have been a model too if she wanted, just like her mother if she wanted to in an instant. Suddenly I felt fat and ugly again, uncomfortable at taking my own clothes off for fear of judgment and imperfection in front of such beauty. The top, as she said, was low cut but not overly so, and for once it felt good to do something against what everyone else would expect. Tonight was strictly for me, to be someone I wasn't, to act, to pretend, to live in the moment and forget the consequences. In two weeks reality would set in and I would be the shy bookworm of Hogwarts, hiding behind her tall overbearing boyfriend and spending every day in the library complaining about perfect grades and not getting into trouble.

The club was everything Liz said it would be. The music was blaring some entrancing beat that make you want to get up and dance until your feet fell off. The atmosphere was dark, smoky, and lit with a thousand different colored lights. People began crowding around the bar ordering drinks with unusual names that came with fancy red umbrella's and maraschino cherries.

"What'll ya have Hermione?" My friend asked as she strutted up to the good looking bartender. The man looked ready to drool as he watched the blonde beauty near him. With us were three other friends of ours that we knew back in grade school. Though I haven't seen most of them in years, I still recognized their names and faces and we chatted about school and post graduation plans. I was afraid to ask what kind of drink would be good, because it would give away that I am young and underage in front of the security and bartenders, so I had to think back to old movies and television shows and what kind of drinks I had watched people order then, but still nothing was coming to mind.

"I'll take the special." I shouted back over the loud blaring music, hoping that whatever a 'Long Island Iced Tea' was, that it was good and wouldn't make me sick. I knew I shouldn't have been drinking, that it was irresponsible and I was anything but irresponsible, but I wanted to fit in so bad, to get away from the endangered life of being Harry Potter's best friend and be _human_ for once. I have lived, breathed, and devoted every minute of the last six years to studying magic and being the best I could be that I had forgotten the place I had come from, the life I used to live when I didn't know that unicorns and pixies were real, that everything I had read about in fairy tales was essentially right under my very radar the whole time.

We took our drinks and sat at a table close to the dance floor for a short while. Jake, one of our friends, decided to treat us all to rounds, and after while more people from the club decided to join in the fun. People came from left and right, introducing themselves, asking us to dance or our phone numbers…where we lived…where we went to school…anything and everything. Some became a little too friendly and I had to step away from two men's groping hands. I felt drunk and sick, not sick from the alcohol, but sick from the behavior of everyone at the club. It was like watching something pornographic, women wearing next to nothing as men rubbed themselves up against them. She dragged me out on the dance floor…I really didn't want to go, but when I shouted my answer she wouldn't take no for an answer.

"You wanted to come tonight Hermione. Have some fun for once in your life!" She shouted.

"You can dance, I just want to go home."

"You're always like this! You hid behind your glasses and wild hair, so I cut it off, and yet you're still hiding inside that shell you've built around yourself! You never want to go out and have any fun, Hermione! What's a life where you just lay around and hide every day…taking the easy way out, missing out on anything fun." She replied back angrily. This time people were beginning to give us curious looks.

"You don't know what my life is like! I don't have time to have fun…it's…complicated."

"It's always complicated, and you never want to talk about it. I don't even know you anymore Hermione. But if that's how you want to be, fine. Go back to hiding in your parents house, go back to hiding behind your books and hair and glasses. Forget I ever tried to help you have fun, hell forget me while you're at it, because really what's the point if I'm the only one trying in this friendship." She stated as she turned and walked away.


	3. wrath

_A/N: Well I'm getting a good number of hits so far, and thank you for those that reviewed. I'm trying to stay ahead of myself so I just finished writing another chapter so I thought I'd post another as well since this part is pretty significant to the story, the first turning point. Thanks again.moonlitefaery  
_

_The Seven Deadly Sins_

_Wrath_

_Anger is a killing thing: it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before - it takes something from him. Louis L'Armour_

Anger is a funny emotion when you think about it. It can be the best or worst feeling in the world. There are times when letting it out, letting all the aggression flow out of you until there is nothing left but a peaceful serenity and calm. Other times anger makes you do or say irrational things that make you regret them for years to come, eating away at you because there is no room left for forgiveness on either side. That night I left one of my oldest friends in anger, we both did, because neither of us could admit to the other what was really on their mind. I wanted to tell her all about my life at Hogwarts, who I was there and what it's been like these last six years, but I always stopped just beforehand. It wasn't that I didn't trust her, it wasn't that I didn't think she could handle it, truly I really didn't know the answer, I just knew that every time the subject of my boarding school came up, the lie was so much easier to go along with. Maybe I was too embarrassed, too scared, too full of pride, or maybe I just wanted to keep that little bit of secrecy to myself, like a special gift I didn't want anyone else to see. If I had known what would happen that night, I never would have left the way I did, with all those unsaid things, leaving her to the others, drinking too much, letting herself lose control. I took the bus back to my house, or close enough to my house that I could walk the rest of the way in the balmy night air. But she…she never made it home that night.

Sometime around 3 am I was awoken from my slumber to a loud crashing coming from down the street. Incoherent and still wearing off the remnants of alcohol, I left it go and went back to sleep. By early morning sirens were still beeping loudly in the countryside hills and finally I realized that I wasn't going to go back to sleep anytime soon, so I decided to take a walk outside to see what all the commotion was about. It was 5 am now, the sun not quite awake yet, but the sky was filled with dozens of flashing lights anyway. My eyes couldn't quite focus too well, without contacts or glasses, but in the distance I made out what seemed to be four cars collided in a fiery haze. Firefighters were still putting out the last of the flame as emergency rescuers zippered up over a handful of body bags. I cringed at the sight before me, wondering how the accident happened, how anyone could be dumb enough to be out that early in the morning and driving erratically…as if they were drunk and incoherent…

"Elizabeth." I whispered aloud as my feet took off running in the direction of my friends house.

"What happened!" I shouted to one of the officers who was trying to keep passerby's from staring at the wreckage.

"Miss, I'm going to have to ask you to step back and leave the premises." He replied, his voice deep with authority and exhaustion. I knew he wouldn't tell me anything specific if I just asked about a friend, so I tried another tactic.

"I need to know if my cousin was in there. We were out late together and I left early, she was supposed to get a ride with a friend of ours but she never came home." I cried, the tears half real because I still had hope that she wasn't involved, especially since I didn't recognize her car in either of the four piled up.

"What's her name?" He asked as he pulled me away from the others.

"Elizabeth. Elizabeth Turner. She's about 5'10", blonde hair, blue eyes…" I choked out as I watched the officers face grow grim.

"I'm sorry…" He began. It was all I needed as confirmation from him to know that she was one of those in the black body bags who didn't make it out of the wreckage. I couldn't feel anything for a few moments as I walked back to my house, floating like a ghost. If I went back to bed, maybe I would wake up and this would have all been some stupid drunken nightmare. Yes…that was what this was, I've heard of stories like these, where people dream things that aren't while intoxicated. I just had to go back to sleep. The officer asked to escort me home then, but I just ignored him.

"You're not real anyway." I stated as I continued walking, not noticing the confused look on his face.

Like I said, anger is a funny emotion and can be your best friend or worst enemy. My boyfriend Ron, was always quick to anger and quick to calm down. Harry on the other hand was slow to anger but could explode like a volcano while igniting a violent rage, then a peaceful calm once it all blew over. Me, well I was more unpredictable, for I have never truly gotten too angry to be tested. Though there were a few spats with Malfoy and his horrid gang of followers tormenting my every move, I could usually respond with a similar retort or a nasty charm, but here in the Muggle world I have never been tested with anger before.

I woke up as if any other day, the sun was shining and a warm breeze felt cool to the touch as I took my morning tea outside to enjoy my cliffs, for last night had been just a bad dream after all. I thought to myself, 'Maybe I should call Elizabeth today to apologize for acting like an ass last night.' Or maybe I should bake her some cookies, a peace offering of sorts between two friends. But my dreams were shattered when I noticed a tall blonde haired man walking towards the back deck. I would recognize his face anywhere, because he had always looked just like his younger sister…

"No!" I shouted as his somber face came closer. "No, it was all a bad dream…it was a dream!" I cried aloud. As he walked up the wooden stairs I could see the tears streaming down his own face and I felt like my heart had literally broken in two.

"One of the officers said you told him she was your cousin and that you were out last night." He stated quietly as he sat down beside me on the wooden deck floor. His face still handsome though it was red and disheveled.

I choked on a few tears before answering him. "She had this great idea to cut my hair and to meet up with some old friends from school. We went to that new club downtown…we were drinking with all these random people and I just kept thinking to myself that all I wanted to do was go home and sleep. We argued, she thought I was hiding myself from having fun, and I told her she wouldn't understand, then she told me never to talk to her again, and I took the bus home…." I looked at him, trying to control my own endless tears as I waited for him to explain the rest.

"A bunch of them piled together in a car with a driver who had too much to drink. They were speeding, and crashed into the car in front of them, while colliding with two other cars passing along the same road as well. Only two survived out of 8, and the officer said even those two weren't likely…" I could tell he was holding back from me how he really felt, there was a tense stance about him that spoke the ugly truth. He wanted to know why I left her alone with the others, why didn't I stay with her and take care of her, why didn't she take the bus home with me. His anger was inward and self destructive, he would blame himself for leaving her alone by herself to go back to school, he would blame me for leaving her alone at the bar with strangers, it would eat at him for years, possibly forever, just as it would for me. I killed his sister after all. He got up to leave, no sympathy hug, no 'it'll be alright,' speech, just a short goodbye before walking back down the wooden stairs. My tea lay cold beside me, forgotten now after finding out the truth.

"The funeral is on Monday." He simply stated before walking away. I still couldn't comprehend the events, didn't want to comprehend them, I just wanted to forget they ever happened. But every time I looked at the mirror I would be reminded of what she gave me, a chance to let go of my other self…and I thanked her by leaving her alone at the bar, too intoxicated to make any rational decision on her own…

I needed something to dull the pain, something to take away the memories of those last few minutes when she was alive. How her smile lit the room, how she was always there to lend a hand no matter how difficult the situation. How she accepted someone some humble looking as myself as a friend without hesitation, and I couldn't even tell her the truth about my life. I stumbled on a bottle of vodka and my mothers sleeping pills that she took when the baby kept her up too late at night. What better way to dull the pain then by sleeping it all away just like last night. As my head hit the floor I thought to myself, "What have I become?" And instantly I was rewarded with a dreamless sleep, so deep and more potent than any potion.

Puck said it best in Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream" when he quoted to King Oberon, "Lord. What fools these mortals be." Fools…we are the fools, mortal and magic alike, for we have every want and need at the touch of our fingertips and yet we chose the most irresponsible courses in life most times. The world is ever changing, ever growing, and we are taught at a young age that we can be anything we want in life all you have to do is work hard for that dream and it'll come true. Some people are ambitious enough to go for those dreams, others settle on their second best option, others yet just settle for whatever life hands them and then there are those who don't try, don't care, don't realize what they could have had but gave up on. There are those around us, friends, family, teachers…that raise us up, show us the way of life and what it holds, what it could be, what it should be, but it is our first steps that make them come to life, that give them hope and breath of air. My friend had every potential in life to be anything she wanted, for she possessed the charismatic attitude that most would kill for: beauty, intelligence, sincerity, money, ambition…everything was at her beck and call and yet she was more worried about how I fit in, where I was going, how I was doing. I never valued our friendship the same way she did, couldn't even gather the courage to tell her where I went to school, what I truly was. Instead I hid behind false pretenses, showing her only a small part of myself while she held nothing back from me. I would never have another friend like that again…

"IT'S NOT FAIR!" I screamed as I threw the plaster vase off the porch and struck it against the wall hours later. The hangover of drugs and alcohol make me vengeful, on edge, and all I wanted to do was let out the pain I was feeling inside against something on the outside. I felt the magic inside of me grow out of control, unstable, predatory even…it wanted to come out, without wand or reason…it wanted release.

"AHHHHH!" I turned towards the cliffs as the wind began to howl around me in a violent rage. Brown stone rocks littering the ground near the cliffs began to lift and fly all around me and I pictured hurling them off the jagged edges into the crashing waves below. I felt no pain then, only hatred towards those who took her from me, those drunken fools who shouldn't have been behind the wheel. Storm clouds began to gather as my mind shut down to the intensity of the magic around me. Suddenly a flash of brilliant red light appeared from nowhere and everything: wind, water, rain, stones…everything stopped and calmed back down to the Earths surface. I turned to see what was going on, and though my head throbbed, my body ached, I would have recognized the half moon glasses anywhere.

"Headmaster…." I trailed off as I felt myself grow weak. Others joined him but I couldn't make out their faces, though I assumed it was Ministry Officials or other teachers. My vision blurred, my legs caved in under themselves, and once again my last thoughts were 'what have I done?'

_I felt light and free suddenly, as if all my problems were physically gone from my body that weighed me down so hard. I was back at home, the countryside once again sunny and warm and inviting to passerby's. The ocean waves beating wildly along the shore as people littered the sandy beach to walk along its dark blue waters. I however, always preferred the cliffs, the sensation of being high away from everyone else, almost like flying but without broom or wand. Only this time there was no one else around, everything was peaceful and quiet, except for one lone figure standing out near the ledge. Her blonde hair blowing wildly in the breeze, her solemn face looking out to the harsh sea._

"_I knew you would come." She sighed to the wind, not turning around to see me there._

"_They said you died." I smiled in joy, believing that my friend was truly there. She didn't say anything for a short while and I began to wonder why she seemed so sad all of a sudden._

"_Your brother came back." I continued when she just continued to stand there glancing out to sea without replying._

"_I knew he would. It hurts to see him so sad." She finally replied as I watched a tear fall down her flawless face. This time she turned around to face me, and I took in the eerie setting around us; so calm, so unusually melodic._

"_I'm dreaming aren't I?" I asked my friend patiently. She nodded in reply, her face still somber._

"_What happened?" I asked her quietly, trying to remember the last few minutes before blacking out but it was all darkness and shadows._

"_Avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord." She whispered softly._

"_You know I was never religious." I replied to my friend bitterly, uncertain of what she said and what it meant._

"_Religion is only for us mortals, right? You know I never truly understood you, Hermione. Your parents were so…different, so normal, so like the rest of us around here. They worked hard for a living, bought a large beautiful home to raise their children in, went to church every Sunday, helped out around town when they could. But with you, there was something…different, so…unusual in a way. When we were kids I never thought anything of it, because I was too naïve to notice it then, but every time we argued, or someone in our class made us angry, things happened…violent things. I've repressed them over the years, but when you left to go to your private schooling, I thought at first it was because you did something wrong…lashed out at your parents too many times or became some kind of bully or even some kind of prodigy child…like they found out you had this insane IQ that had to be carefully tended to. But then unusual things began to happen the year you left; unexplained phenomena all around that was too coincidental especially while you were home on your school breaks. I used to see owls flying in daylight…strange isn't it, nocturnal creatures carrying letters in the middle of the day for no reason what-so-ever. Then there were occurrences all over the news of strange sites and pictures of escaped convicts disappearing and then there was you. You came back from being away so different then when you left. Your clothes were different, you studied all the time then, you didn't want to hang out with us anymore, like you were too good for us now."_

"_It wasn't like that, you weren't allowed to know anything." I pleaded with her; amazed that she was so tentative about everything over the last six years. Most Muggles chose to ignore the news stories from the Wizarding world, ignored the signs and clues that anything was amiss, but not Elizabeth, she knew all along about what I was too afraid of her ever finding out._

"_I was your best friend!" She cried in reply, her voice filled with pent up rage._

"_You could have been killed for being associated with me, or have your memories erased just for knowing my secret!" I screamed back in reply._

"_We all die, Hermione, and memories aren't everything that keep us going. Even now you can't even admit it to me, can you? Here we are, on a level playing field, and you can't even tell me what you're hiding." She turned away then, staring back out to the lonely sea, walking towards it's dangerous edges that jutted out into the harsh waves and sandy beach below._

"_I'm a witch! Is that what you want me to say? Is that what you want to hear so bad? When I was 11 I received a letter from a magic school called Hogwarts, up in Scotland, and I've been studying there ever since. I am called a Muggle born witch because my parents are both mortal and have no magical ties in either side of the family, which means I'm a freak occurrence in their eyes. I disappointed them when I chose a magic life over a human one, but I couldn't give up on the possibilities that there was something more to life then what I had living here. So I left, and all I received was mockery, death threats, and pain, alright. You want me to tell you that it was so grand and that I met people so much better than you and the friends I've known my whole life, but in reality it was horrible, at least at first it was, and in some ways still is. I befriended a boy who's had a bounty over his head since he was one and now I am dragged into the mess with him, which puts MY family and MY friends at risk too now. Not to mention that no one accepted me at first because of my heritage so I resorted to books and studying to catch up with the others and be let in on their secret life that everyone else knew about. Even now I cannot escape the life I created there, because those people only know me as the clever book smart girl with the wild hair who is the brains behind Harry Potter's expeditions; the sidekick who is dating the Boy-Who-Lived's best friend because that is all she could get, because she thinks that's all she could ever be. And now I am accepted by neither world, because my parents finally have the perfect normal daughter they always wanted and my friends here no longer accept me, and my other life still thinks of me as the pauper of social rank. Books, cleverness, even high ended friendships don't matter in that life, it's all about money, power, and family ties. Here its about who you know and what you can do to get to where you want to be. I will never be a part of that life, not in the sense that most people are embraced by it, and I gave up this life too long ago to ever fall back in to the old ways of normality." _

"_We were always here, and you were always welcomed back whenever you wanted to." Elizabeth_ _comforted as she walked back from her ledge to where we were initially standing in the yard. _

"_It's too late now, I chose my path." I replied defiantly, choking back tears of sadness and gratitude towards the one friend I should have trusted all along._

"_It's never too late, Hermione, you are in charge of your future, not your parents, not your friends, not even your boyfriend, but you. If this is the life you want, then make it yours, but do not settle for something because its easy. Life is never easy, even in your other life you have to work for it, and it'll hurt, it always does, but the pain with keep you going, and someday when you'll look back and remember that it was all worth it, that to find peace within yourself you had to break down all barriers around yourself until there is nothing left but pieces, and with those pieces rebuild a new life that you can embrace with heart and mind." _

_Humbled by her kind words I couldn't stop the tears from falling. I needed to hear those words so bad, those words of pure unbridled friendship that no one else has truly ever given me before. Despite her parents fame, despite her wealth and high ended friends, she still considered me hers, even through all these years, and it ashamed me to think that I couldn't give her anything back but a miserable night out that cost her her life. _

"_I'm so sorry…" I whispered as a blanket of fog surrounded me, and I could feel my body drifting back to the land of the living._

'_No I don't want to go back.' I pleaded aloud._

"_I forgive you." Elizabeth shouted back, but I was too far gone to hear her comforting words. _

"She's waking up, Albus." A shrill voice called from somewhere behind me. I tried to will my eyes open but they stubbornly wouldn't move so I started lighter…wiggling my toes, check. I could feel the soft cool summer grass tickling my back still, so I knew I was still home near the cliffs, outside, and apparently surrounded by at least four people judging by the moving footsteps.

"Miss Granger, can you open your eyes for us?" Another light hearted voice chimed in next. I recognized the voice of the Headmaster immediately, though I was still uncertain who the other two people were.

"What happened?" I choked out, still unable to open my eyes wider than two small slits.

"Your rage fueled your magic to uncontrollable limits. The Ministry was alerted to your underage use of magic and I was contacted once the power became too untamed for the Ministry to handle." The Headmaster replied lightly.

"How do you feel, Hermione?" Professor McGonagall asked as she grasped my hand in hers. She seemed worried as usual, since I was her prized student and all. Though her favorite would still always be Harry, everyone's favorite was Harry…except maybe Professor Snape.

"Tired." I stated in a terse reply. I could feel my body slipping back into sleep, but this time it wasn't a dream state brought on from magical exhaustion, this time it was just pure weary sleep after a long night and even longer morning. No one mentioned the alcohol, no one mentioned sleeping pills or anything Muggle related, which I was thankful for. Maybe they knew, hopefully they didn't; they probably just thought I was angry and lashed my aggression outwardly for no reason.

When I awoke again this time I could open my eyes to their fullest extent. I recognized the place immediately as the Infirmary at Hogwarts, since I have spent many nights there either as a patient or visiting one of the boys there.

"How are you feeling?" The nurse asked from her position across the room. I glanced over at her kind familiar face and tried to plaster the best smile I could for her.

"Just a little sore I guess." I weakly replied.

"The Headmaster says you used an extraordinary about of wandless magic for someone your age. That amount of power takes the life energy right out of you. Though I gave you a few potions to help, you'll still need to rest for a few days till you have the strength to move about on your own."

"Where is the Headmaster?" I curiously asked the older woman politely.

"He had to finish talking to the Ministry Officials about your use of magic. They know you're no longer underage, however you are still a student and as such that kind of wild power outside where anyone could have seen you is still risky and worth investigating."

"Will I be punished?" Half of me was worried that I would face some kind of reprimand like Harry did years ago, only I wasn't favored as the Boy-Who-Lived, therefore my punishment could be severe for I blatantly put others at risk of danger and myself and the wizarding world at risk of exposure.

"No, the Headmaster was informed about your friend's death, they will wave the offense I'm sure. But he will still want to talk with you, especially about controlling your magic and emotions." The Mediwitch calmly replied as she closed the curtain and walked quietly out of the room.

"Get some rest." She shouted back as she closed the door magically behind her.


	4. sloth

_A/N: dee023-thanks for the reviews. It's mostly in her head, though some of it he blames on her because he has to-like he needs to fault someone who's there and she was it. A lot of the upcoming stuff is how Hermione starts twisting things in her head and, some of which are true and some that aren't, but it'll all pile up for her, breaking her down before she can realize how to rebuild the puzzle of her life. (with me so far?). Anyway, thanks for the reviews and thanks everyone else who's stopped in to read the last few chapters. Let me know how you all like it! moonlitefaery_

_The Seven Deadly Sins_

_Sloth_

"_Thou seest how sloth wastes the sluggish body, as water is corrupted unless it moves."_

_Ovid_

When I was younger I despised being lazy, I saw no point in lying around when I could be out doing something with someone. I kept active in light sports with my best friend, Elizabeth, and when we weren't terrorizing the other children with our ruthlessness, we were out exploring the woods, or making up games…pretending we were other people living other lives. During the summer we would swim for hours until our skin pruned or our parents called us in for dinner. In the winter we built snow castles, or had sledding competitions with the neighborhood kids: the faster you flew, the higher the ramp, the better your score. Sometimes, when the parents weren't too frightened for our safety, they would come out an judge, but most of the time it was just us children. When I was older and starting Hogwarts there was simply no time for laziness, because there was too much to study, too much to learn. I had thousands of years of history to relearn, a new culture to study, rules, regulations, practices, traditions, everything had to be re-taught. It was as if I was in grade school again, back at the beginning learning everything for the first time. This place was new, different, and I was unaccepted until I could prove that I was one of them, that I could be one of them, and until I learned everything I could, I would still be the outside Muggleborn. Laziness was for those who had the luxury for it, people like the Slytherins who were already accepted by the pureblood high society lifestyle, or Hufflepuffs who spent more time tending wounded animals or comparing poetry then doing anything physically demanding. Gryffindors were always adventure seekers, which was why I was chosen in the first place for the house, when I was simply a normal human girl, I was an adventure seeker; I played sports too, and though I never received bad grades, I wasn't nearly as studious as I am now. Ravenclaw is for the studious at heart; they spent all free time learning whatever they could however they could. They were ambitious and intelligent, there is where everyone here felt I should end up, because I am studious and ambitious…right? Maybe once I was, but now everything has changed again…something in me died the day Elizabeth died. She told me I could be whomever I wanted to, go wherever, but all I wanted was to hide inside myself.

"Feeling better, Miss Granger?" The Headmaster asked as he returned the next day to check up on me. Only the Mediwitch had been in my room since I was brought into Hogwarts yesterday, and for that I was grateful because I wanted the least amount of company possible. I didn't want to answer questions I wasn't certain of the answers; I wasn't ready to bear that part of me just yet.

"Yes, thank you, Headmaster." I smiled falsely in reply. He raised his wand and conjured a chair from the nearby wall over towards my bedside and sat down quietly, waiting for me to talk, but I wasn't going to be the one to initiate conversation.

"Death is never easy to accept Miss Granger. People die, sometimes by accident, sometimes not, and it is alright to grieve for the one you lost." I looked away towards the open windows, willing myself not to cry.

"You are a talented and powerful witch: bright, intelligent, clever, and I was shocked to hear that it was your power running wild. As long as I've known you, you have been the voice of reason for your friends, you think about the consequences when others jump into something blindly. We use wands to control the magic we hold within, and emotions give our magic power. Some use anger to fuel power for evil, some use love to counter defense. Wild power, emotionally fueled wild power, needs to be controlled so it won't hurt yourself or others."

"How do I control it?" I asked, not so much out of curiosity but because he wanted me to.

"There are exercises I could teach you, but I think in this instance you can find that answer on your own. You must find peace within yourself and then your power can be contained and focused. The nurse would like you to stay two more days just to make sure you've recovered under our watchful eyes, then you will be taken back home for the remainder of your summer vacation, unless of course you wish to return somewhere else?" He asked quietly, insinuating that I would rather see my boyfriend or schoolmates at the Burrow, than return home in solemnity.

"Thank you Headmaster, but I think I just want some peace and quiet at home." I replied.

The day was sunny and beautiful, as most summer days are this time of year. I had nothing here at Hogwarts except my wand and a few miscellaneous items the Headmaster and Professor McGonagall brought with me. I could have spent the day quietly in the library reading, or visiting some of the other professors around school that were back early to prepare for the upcoming term, but I didn't want to. Part of me just wanted to find a way to escape somewhere, so I went where everyone goes to escape and think…the Astronomy Tower. The tower had a wide ledge that looked out over the grounds and forest below. I normally hated heights, it reminded me of my fear of flying, but today I didn't care anymore. I sat down with my back towards the wall and just stared at the scenery before me, not moving, barely even thinking, just…staring…for hours… I couldn't cry, I wanted to, I willed myself to, but it seemed like every time I tried I just hit an emotional brick wall, nothing could pass on either side, so there I remained…on the ledge…looking out until the sunset and the Mediwitch came to tell me it was time for my medicine and to go to sleep.

"Come on, Hermione, just a few more steps." She encouraged as I found my legs too sore to move for long lengths of time. It should have only taken us ten minutes to get to the hospital wing, but it took nearly an hour because of the drain of energy on my body. Every muscle screamed in pain and though the nurse contemplated using a charm to float me back to the Infirmary, she also knew that I needed to keep my muscles moving as part of my rehabilitation…no easy ways out even in the wizarding world I guess. After giving me my last dose of medicine for the day I laid down into the deep comfortable hospital beds and began floating into a dreamless sleep almost immediately, though I could still hear hushed voices outside my curtained bed.

"How is she doing?" Professor McGonagall's voice whispered to the Mediwitch.

"Still pretty weak, but honestly its as though she's not even trying. She spent the entire day up on the Astronomy Tower when she should have been getting some kind of exercise, something to get her body up and moving otherwise the potions won't really help." She responded though she directed her question in another direction, towards the Headmaster.

"She's still in mourning, give her some time to heal." He kindly replied, his voice low enough that I could barely make out his response.

"We can't send her home, her family isn't there. She should stay here till the start of term." McGonagall concluded with defiance.

"She's an adult in our world, it is for her to decide." He replied back.

"But not in the Muggle world. She's not yet 18 in their eyes and still under parental protection." The Mediwitch counterattacked.

"It is up to Miss Granger, now come, let us leave her to rest." And almost instantly there was a quiet peace around the empty hospital wing. They didn't want to send her back, but Dumbledore was right; she was an adult now, past 17, and in their eyes a legal adult who can make her own decisions. However, the Mediwitch was also right that it wasn't the same in the Muggle world and if they knew what I did…well…the drinking and sleeping pills…especially with my parents out of town, I could get in a lot of trouble. Still I was grateful for the Headmaster's defense; he was going to let me go home for the last week of vacation. Though knowing him, they would insist on constant check ups either in person or by owl post. But I wanted, needed, the time alone, without interruptions to stand alone by the house near the cliffs. Home.

Gossip is a funny thing. During school when everyone is locked within the castle walls, no secret however small is safe, nothing goes unnoticed to the passerby, no tongue silenced, no sworn oath of trust, because somehow everyone knows. It spreads like wildfire in the dry desert air, alerting everyone and everything to its presence. Everyone wants to know about everyone else, and no one can keep anything to themselves, its just a law of nature that way; mortals, wizards…gossip is universal that way. All I wanted was a few days of peace and serenity to forget my friend, forget my life, and to regain the energy drained out of me by my wild temperament. But gossip spreads, people talk, and by the next morning I was flooded with owls delivering letters and condolences alike. The first letter was from my parents, asking if everything was okay and if they needed to cut their vacation short to come pick me up. It was pathetic really, because they would have no inclination to leaving their vacation to come get me, it was simply the offer that they felt they had to extend to their first born as a sign that they might care on some small level. The next few letters were from members of the Weasley clan, the first being Ron's and the rest from his sister, mother, and overprotective older brothers.

_Hermione,_

_Dumbledore told us the news. Sorry about your friend and all. We were going to visit but the Headmaster insists on your privacy for now. Get well soon!_

_Ron_

The boy really was one of few words, and not the cleverest of people with a quill. Part of me was grateful that he took the time to write, though in truth I feel as though sometimes he forgets we're supposed to be dating. Harry is always his first priority, has always been his first priority and he's made everyone clear of that. For a time I thought maybe he felt something more than friendship towards our mutual friend, but that was quickly squashed when both boys proved that though they both enjoy female company over men, they have no clue how to go about wooing the other sex. Their lives revolve around danger, adventure, sports, and getting into trouble, nothing that interests most females in this school. Ron's sister, Ginny, is the adventurous type, which was what attracted her to Harry many times over the years, but she was the exception to the norm. Looks were the first thing girls in our class noticed first, no matter what house they were in, looks would always come first because people by nature are shallow, at least at first glance. When out with friends, no one looks at the humble looking guy and say "I bet he's got a great personality," instead they focus on the physical, either by a general exclamation of "He's hot," etc…or something specific like "He's got a great body," etc… After looks there are two similar categories depending on the girl: one is intelligence, the other money. Some girls, Slytherin types especially, look for wealth and influence, almost as if they were finding someone financially secure to set up a potential future with. Money and status mean everything in the wizarding society and the right match could land you a decent future as well as a great job post Hogwarts. The other is intelligence, for the Ravenclaw types, who want a good not only good looking, but able to handle a decent table conversation. The girls view the guys as potential mates, a breeding pool, they eye their catch and then picture how their future is going to be with that person; if the person falls short of expectations, the girl moves on to their next victim until they find someone worthy of their standards, or maybe their parents standards, that they can have a secure future with. Guys on the other hand, also value beauty or looks as the top of their priority list. However, for a guy is more a matter of current power and status on who he's dating. Guys love competition, the chance to get the best girl and prove themselves superior before their friends and classmates; capture the most beautiful, you're on top, at least for the moment. In grade school biology we studied animals and their habitats, and it never ceases to amaze me how similar our own actions can be sometimes. Still they say we're more evolved and superior, so I guess there's some logic behind it.

Nevertheless, after Ron's short letter, many more seemed to float in all morning. I glanced through Ginny's and Mrs. Weasley's, both were long winded and kept asking how I was and if I needed a room how their house was always there to welcome me in. It seemed as though they were already preparing for my entrance into their family legally, as if all they were waiting for was confirmation on the engagement. They were dear people, and though Ginny could never replace Elizabeth, I did trust her on some small level as a close friend and confidant. But she was first and foremost loyal to her brother, therefore I could never tell her my doubts about our relationship, even though she told me plenty about hers with Harry. The next letter, and by far the longest, was Harry's, who would do anything for contact with the outside world while his estranged family tortured him all through summer vacation. Even now, legally of age, he still returned to his mother's sisters home, because Dumbledore asked him too, that kind of loyalty is hard to find in most people during rough times like these.

_Hermione,_

_Ron wrote to me about what happened, I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. I know not many people understand the occurrence cause they're not from our world, but I'm at least glad to hear that you weren't injured as well. I know it's not much, since next week is the start of term, but if you need someone to talk to never hesitate to call me or write (let me worry about how the Dursley's will react about it). I hope the rest of your summer break up until now was at least enjoyable; Ron and I were going to visit but Dumbledore insured us that you were fine and that you needed rest and privacy. Take care, Hermione, and I will see you next week at the station!_

_Sincerely,_

_Harry _

I took the letters back up to the Astronomy Deck and reclaimed my position with my back to the wall, staring out into the beautiful sunlight. I could sense another's presence, but I wasn't in the mood to be conversational so I kept my face in my letters and ignored the dark robes standing out near the ledge. Harry's letters were always long and well thought out, a truly caring individual, and many times when I was younger I willed myself to love him as more than a friend; but I couldn't see him as anything more than a brother at heart and we kept our mutual friendship and I tried to be supportive of his every decision no matter how against it I was. I could feel the effects of the potion starting to wear thin as my body regained its soreness, though the pain had eased considerably over the past two days.

"I half expected you to spend these days in the library with your face smothered in a book." A sinister voice spoke from across the wide deck. I didn't have to glance up from my letters to know whose voice it was, I could have picked the dark man out of a choir if I had to. He was dressed in his trademark black robes, his long hair tied back at the nape of his neck.

"And you to spend yours someplace closer to the ground, Professor." I tersely replied, all energy left from the walk up to the tower. I heard his sharp intake and I knew my bluntness shocked him as much as it shocked myself. But without the energy to put up the wall over what things to never say to your superiors, it sort of slipped out mistakenly.

"Mind your tongue, Miss Granger. Just because it is summer break does not give you the authority to talk back to a teacher." He stated as a matter of fact.

"The rest of the staff may sympathize with you, smother you with falsities, but you will find no such comfort here." He continued his rant.

"I don't want their comfort, and I don't expect your sympathy. I just want to sit here for a little bit, sir." I begged as I rested by head back along the cool window frame. The air felt cooler today, ever so slightly down from yesterdays stagnant breeze. From the corner of my eye I saw him open his mouth to say something, but quickly he closed it, and I was grateful. I never hated the man before, I admired his mind even if he was part of the mockery that I grew up with during my early years at Hogwarts, but in reality he made me a better student, because he never accepted anything but the best from his students. Though he showed favoritism towards his precious Slytherins, he could be fair if you worked hard and proved yourself, even if he couldn't voice the words aloud. He stayed there, for reasons unknown, for about an hour before walking back inside, back to the damp dungeons where he lived and thrived amongst his labs and research.

For the second day in a row I lazily sat atop the stone deck, not thinking, not even reading the rest of the care letters, just staring out into the vastness that was the Hogwarts countryside. The land was beautiful, but nothing compared to the view from my house along the cliffs. I couldn't wait to go home tomorrow.

"Hermione?" A quiet voice interrupted my peaceful solitude. Professor McGonagall's tartan robes appeared through the door moments later.

"Hmmm." I mumbled as I turned my head to face my mentor.

"I know the Headmaster said to give you your space and all, but I just wanted to make sure you were okay by yourself up here." The worried older woman fretted as she knelt down next to me.

"I'm fine. I'm just enjoying the view and the peacefulness up here." I falsely smiled in reply. I wanted her to leave, but I didn't want to outwardly tell her so.

"There's a floo network near your house that we're going to use tomorrow. Are you sure you want to go home? You can stay here of course, or we could take you to the Weasley's."

"No. I promised to watch the house while my parents are still on vacation," I lied. "Plus I still have all my school stuff to pack up one last time." I continued as I watched her face fall ever so slightly. She nodded in agreement then stood back up to leave.

"If there's anything…" She began.

"I know. Thank you." I cut off; then turned back out to the vast emptiness. Birds soared around me but I took no notice. A one point Hagrid waved up from his cabin below but all I could do was raise my hand slightly in acknowledgement. More random noises happened all around, but I was immune to their sound, to their distraction, my mind turned off and all that was left was an empty shell staring into the nothingness of the sky before her.

Sloth: habitual disinclination to exertion; indolence; laziness as stated by the dictionary. That is what most people would call doing nothing but staring out into nothingness for four days, but for me it was a way to escape, and I welcomed it. Upon returning home I traded an Astronomy Tower for a deck chair overlooking the cliffs and sea below, and though the scenery was slightly different, the routine was all too familiar. By the fifth day I grew restless, I needed something more than nothing; I needed something, something to help take away the memories of that night. I ran back inside, searching desperately for anything I could get my hands on. It was like I was in the desert starving and all I wanted was that one drop of water to sooth the thirst from my throat. I found the half empty bottle of vodka beneath the cabinet shelf and took two long gulps. It helped, but it still wasn't enough for me, I needed something more to take away the pain, to get me to _feel_ something, anything… I continued my raid throughout the house upstairs, inside my parent's bathroom cabinet. There I found my salvation, a bottle of vicodin prescribed to my father after he injured his knee years ago; it was tossed far in the back, he probably had forgotten that he had half of the bottle left, he wouldn't miss what he didn't need anyway. Two more swigs of the vile clear liquid and I tossed back what I could of the heavily coated pain pills. I couldn't take the whole bottle, I would need some for the rest of the week, but a few wouldn't do too much damage, and at least it would take my mind off of my recent troubles, even if it was just for a few short hours.

Colors swirled all around and suddenly I felt like I was being lifted off the ground. Outside the wind blew all around me, and I felt…magical…like a fairy dancing to celebrate the change of seasons. My clothes hung loose and billowed around me as I gripped my salvation desperately in my weakened hand. I felt myself gliding towards the cliffs as if they were clouds and I had wings…so I began to sing…

"_Come Josephine in my flying machine  
Going up she goes  
Up she goes  
Balance yourself like a bird on a beam  
In the air she goes  
There she goes  
Up, up, a little bit higher  
Oh, my, the moon is on fire  
Come Josephine in my flying machine  
Going up  
All on  
Good-bye."_

The air was filled with music, I could hear the pipes and harps weeping sadly just for me, in tune with my lyrics and I continued my dance. Everything was blurred and hazy…and I felt so tired…so drowsy from my foray…only a few more steps and I could rest…just a few more steps.

"Hermione!" A voice cried from the distance, a familiar voice, and I turned to see the shadow of my deceased friend call my name before my knees caved in and my weightless body crashed to the ground.

What seemed like days later was merely hours as the thunderous pounding of British rain woke me from my drunken slumber. My eyelids felt heavy as if a thirty pound weight was attached to each one, and my head was throbbing while my stomach clenched tightly. Bile rose from my throat as I attempted to get off of the wet ground and inside to the warm comfort of my room but I couldn't stop the awful retching. It took another fifteen minutes before I felt stable enough to crawl inside the house, but not without glancing at how close I was to the cliff's edge.

"I nearly fell." I whispered aloud to the empty wind.

The bottle lay near vacant and still on the wet surface forgotten as I physically dragged my tired body upstairs into the bathroom. A warm shower is all I needed to repair the damage, and maybe some medicine for the headache, but nothing more than that. Food was forgotten about these days, who had the time or inclination to eat with everything that has happened this past week. Already my clothes began draping ever so slightly but all the better, I needed to lose a few pounds anyway, whatever method worked right? The water was scalding hot to my cold skin but I welcomed the instant warmth it provided for my tired soul. I spent the rest of the summer vacation doing this, doing only this; spending long hours outdoors staring at the cliffs that nearly took my life, or sunk underneath the waters of my bath contemplating how I could possibly survive through my final year at Hogwarts, continuing the lies I had created as my life for one final year. Hiding my new found addiction.


	5. greed

_The Seven Deadly Sins_

_Greed_

"_Greed is a bottomless pit which exhausts the person in an endless effort to satisfy the need without ever reaching satisfaction."_

_Erich Fromm_

Greed. The art of wanting anything and everything. It goes hand in hand with envy because when you envy others, you become greedy for it and so much more. But greed has other means as well, not just being greedy for money or power, but for wanting everything. I had a lot staked in both lives, my false exterior to those of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and the falling pieces of my true interior self that craved the bottle of sweet indifference; that took away pain in exchange for pleasure and blissful solitude. I wanted both lives, I needed both lives, no matter how much pain either brought I craved it like I craved nothing else in life. No one would ever know.

"Hermione!" A voice cried from the distance as the cab driver helped me unload my luggage from the vehicle. I turned my head to see the bright red hair of one Ginny Weasley coming towards me like a freight train and I had little time to prepare for the impact of her lighting speed hug.

'Here goes nothing," I thought to myself as I gathered my inner strength and hugged her back. "Hey Ginny." I replied with a smile.

"We were so worried about you dear, is everything okay?" Mrs. Weasley exclaimed as she joined her youngest child. After paying the cab driver I let Ginny's mother help me push my belongings towards the invisible platform of 9 and ¾. She cooed over me like a mother hen and though I was grateful for her love and sincerity, I wasn't sure I was ready to talk about what happened during the last two weeks; especially after Elizabeth's death.

"The boys asked that we stop by and say hi before going up to the front of the train." Ginny exclaimed. I was so busy with everything that had been going on that I nearly forgot about my Head Girl responsibilities. Just one more problem to add on to the long list of things I wasn't ready to deal with right now. It should have shocked me more that the boys didn't stay with Molly and Ginny till I arrived, but in truth it was typical of their behavior, going off and forgetting I'm there sometimes, especially now that we're older and the lines between boys and girls is more distinct than when we were kids and no one cared as much. Still, it hurt just a little…

"Hey Harry. Hey Ron." I announced as we stopped by their full compartment. Ever since Harry's many near death tribulations, his popularity had soared so high that everyone wanted to be around him. And with Ron as his stalwart sidekick, both boys enjoyed the subtle popularity and all the perks it entailed. Most of the cart was female, but I recognized some of the guys from our class squeezing in to enjoy the attention with my two male friends. I lightly kissed Ron on the cheek for greeting and he returned the shy display of affection in return before sitting back down next to his best friend.

"Hey Hermione. Everything okay now? Do you want us to make room for you?" Harry asked concernedly, his green eyes sad with worry. 'Poor sweet adorable Harry,' I thought to myself in envy, why couldn't Ron be like that?

"We have to head up front anyway but thanks." I replied. I watched the others take in my new looks in awe, as if they never saw anyone get a haircut before…

"You cut your hair." Ron stated with shock and he fingered the short highlighted curls. He always preferred girls with long hair and I knew he would be slightly upset with the new style.

"It looks nice." Lavender announced from the back of the cart where she was wedged in between Luna and Ron.

"Thanks." I smiled in reply still waiting for Ron to say something positive about it.

"You look beautiful Hermione." Harry stated as a matter of fact before turning his attention to his on again off again girlfriend, Ginny. "And you as well." He kissed her in greeting. Ginny blushed bright red as she returned his short kiss before pulling the both of us away from the compartment.

"See ya later, everyone." She announced cheerfully to the group as we began our short journey to the Prefect compartments up front. I was grateful for the oversized robes that concealed the weight I lost from the past two weeks. It wasn't that I didn't want to eat, I was not the anorexic stereotype that others usually crown on girls who don't eat, but I didn't crave food anymore, it wasn't satisfying even if I could manage to choke it down without becoming nauseated. What I wanted, what I needed was something else, something more; besides, I said I needed to lose a few pounds to pull off the short hair…

"First compartment is yours Hermione, be careful though. I hear Malfoy made Head Boy this year and I don't trust you alone in a compartment with that snake for the next few hours. I have to sit with the 6th years. Are you sure you'll be okay? I can stop by later tonight after dinner and we can talk. It doesn't have to be about what happened, we can talk useless stuff like boys or current events, or hell even Quidditch though we're both lacking in that subject." She joked and I laughed along with her as she opened the door to join her classmates.

"I'd like that." I replied sincerely. Though she would always be Ron's sister first, she was still a great friend and I treasured her company even if I wasn't ready to talk about that night with anyone. Ginny truly had a heart of gold, just like Harry, which made them perfect together when he wasn't worried about endangering her life because of his.

It took three deep breaths and a silent prayer to the whatever god was listening to finally open the large luxurious Head Boy/Girl compartment. It was roomier than the rest of the train, almost like first class in an airplane, and came with an assortment of light sweets and punch as well as two long spaced apartment bench seats cushioned to whatever colors its guests were from. Malfoy's side was decorated in green, silver, and black and the boy in question leaning languidly against its cushions with his feet propped up on a pillow. He opened one lazy silver blue eye for a split second before returning to his stoic position.

"Mudblood." He acknowledge as if the word was used as a casual hello.

"Ferret." I nodded in reply with the same tone he so lightly used. I placed my carryon bag on the crimson and gold bench seat, grateful that the boy in question was too busy with his nap to care to go a round or two in a verbal argument. My stomach began to rumble lightly in protest and though the pastries lying out on the small table looked incredibly appetizing, I wasn't sure if I could hold it down, especially in front of an audience. However, after one small cookie I felt famished and before I knew it my greedy fingers couldn't stop themselves from taking just one more each time. Malfoy remained unmoving and disinterested as I tried to remain as subtle as possible. But soon I couldn't hold in the bile rising quickly through my throat.

"I'm going to do rounds." I announced, though I doubted that he cared what or where I was going anyway. I was merely grateful for the quiet peace instead of the bantering word bash I half expected. I made it to the bathroom on our end of the train just in time to save myself some scrap of dignity. The train was so loud I doubted anyone would hear me anyway; but just in case I couldn't ever let myself get that carried away in front of others ever again. It would only be a matter of time before they noticed something unusual and I had an act to portray to them, to all of them. I was the respectable, responsible, intelligent Hermione Granger, the teachers pet, the clever witch, Harry Potters friend, Ron Weasley's girlfriend, I couldn't slip this fast this soon, not with the rest of the term still ahead of me.

Technically I didn't lie to Malfoy, though it wouldn't matter either way, because after my quick bout in the bathroom I really did walk up and down the aisle to make sure everything was going okay. After confiscating a few illegal toys from some first and second years, and a light brawl between Seamus and a fifth year Ravenclaw, I drudgingly headed back to the nightmare of my own compartment.

"It's not going to make a difference, Mudblood." My blonde haired rival announced from his unmoving position on his side of the cart. I sighed, uncertain if I had the energy to go through his conversation knowing that I wasn't going to like anything that came out of the evil spawn's mouth. I decided to cave in.

"What's not going to make a difference Malfoy?" I quipped back tersely.

"He has popularity now, hanging with his precious boy toy, Potter. He can finally get the chance to find someone else, someone prettier, someone who will spend all their time and concentration on him, like a doting puppy. You are simply his starter girlfriend, or maybe even starter wife…" he sinisterly continued, his trademark sneer in place, I could feel the anger in me growing, and at the same time I knew what he was saying was true. "He will grow bored with you, and if Potter actually lives and becomes the hero yet again, getting calls from every available pureblood witch or even some A-list Muggle woman as his intended, then Weasley, the daunting hero's best friend, will want the same…and you're…not…it." He slowly emphasized the last part to prove his point. He closed his languid eyes again and re-crossed his long legs and waited for my reply.

"I didn't cut my hair to please him. If that's what you think Malfoy. And you're wrong about Ron, we're meant to be together…everyone knows it." I shouted back, trying to prove even that much to myself, but I didn't even believe it so why was I trying to make my enemy agree as well.

"Whatever gets you through the day, Mudblood." He nonchalantly replied with disinterest. I could feel the anger in me boiling though, like it did the day I blacked out on my cliffs. I could feel the magic running wild inside me ready to be lashed out towards whatever hapless person was walking by. The compartment began to shake, slowly at first, then the windows shattered out, broken glass flying out the train along with the rest of the sweets upon the table. The pain was back, throbbing violently and I couldn't control my actions long enough to grab my wand and repair the mess around us. Malfoy though proved quick on his feet and muttered the incantation to fix the broken rubble. He didn't say anything at first though I watched his eyes narrow in concentration and I stumbled into the cushioned seats behind me. I wanted the bottle so badly, it didn't matter which one, I just wanted to forget this moment because as soon as the train stopped Malfoy would never let me forget my embarrassment today. I fell into a restless sleep then, grateful for the pain to be dulling naturally on its own, and the last sound I heard was the scratching of a quill on parchment before falling into the inky darkness.

The train jerked to a stop as I was suddenly awoken in a frightful heap upon the ground. I heard a small snicker from beside me and realized that we were finally at Hogwarts and I had slept through the entire trip.

"You could have woken me up, Malfoy." I glared at him as I rushed to get my belongings in order as well as the Head Girl badge pinned lightly on my black robes.

"Why?" He arrogantly replied with a sardonic smile as he turned to leave our compartment. He laughed as he closed the door behind him and went off to find his two bodyguards no doubt. The Prefects were in charge of organizing everyone into the carriages, except first years, while the Head Boy and Girl were only there to oversea everything incase of any problems. Our duties didn't go into effect until everyone was settled into the castle and then we were responsible for patrolling the corridors, helping all houses in case of fights or problems, we were the mediators between the students and the professors, the first to call in case of small disputes so that the teachers weren't overwhelmed with their own courses and activities.

"Ready Hermione?" Ginny popped her head in a moment later as I picked up my small carry on.

"Yeh, good to go." I replied with a smile and looked back to the empty train compartment. This could very well be the last time I was on the Hogwarts Express; come summer graduation, depending on how my applications go, I could be leaving to go anywhere, not just back home to my parents house along the cliffs.

"Was it horrible, riding with Malfoy and all?" Ginny asked as we walked towards the carriages where the others were already loading into. We tried to fit into one with Harry and Ron but it was already full so we ducked into another with a couple third year Hufflepuffs who were more engrossed in their own conversations to pay attention to ours.

"Just his typical self. But we stayed out of each others hair most of the time so it wasn't horribly bad." I retorted mildly. I didn't want to admit it, but I would be forced to endure Malfoy's good graces or he could blab whatever suspicions he had of me out in front of the others, ruining my reputation, and I couldn't deal with that.

"I really do like your hair, Hermione. I think it compliments you really well, even if Ron doesn't appreciate it the same way." The redhead announced albeit a bit forlornly. I couldn't help but get a nagging feeling that she was suspecting something about Ron as well, but I figured if she knew anything she would tell me, I couldn't pry into her life, it wasn't fair to her; to know her secrets and not tell her mine.

The sorting ceremony has changed very little since my first scared year within Hogwart's stony walls. I can still remember how nervous I was sitting up on that stool waiting to hear where my destiny would take me. I was so eager then, so naïve, and so uncertain about what the different houses were like, the people, though I heard rumors on the train that Slytherin was only for those with pure wizarding blood, I didn't care then what house I went into. When the ragged old hat shouted Gryffindor though, I felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders because I had read about the proud history of the house of lions. I sat down next to Ron, as was tradition, and across from Ginny who sat next to Harry. The boys discussed this years Quidditch team (Harry of course being Captain, with Ron as co-captain).

"Did you have a nice summer, Ron?" I asked my boyfriend politely after another quick kiss on the cheek in greeting.

"Lousy really; mum made us re-gut the house since the twins moved out and I'm leaving at the end of the year. It was a load of work, took nearly a month till she was satisfied with the rearrangements." He joked in reply as he stabbed his fork into his potatoes. Sometimes I wondered if his table manners would ever improve…

"Any more news about the wedding?"

"Christmas break; both families are flying in over the holidays. Dad's working on a way to build a temporary outdoor patio thing so everyone will fit and it can still be outside." He replied then turned his attention back to Harry and the Quidditch World Cup. The rest of the meal I half listened in on Ginny's conversation with Luna about the recent summer gossip going on with the students from school, but my mind began drifting off into oblivion as I contemplated how I was going to juggle both lives within Hogwart's stone walls. The only perk so far was the benefit of having my own personal suite, being Head Girl and all, sharing only a common sitting area with the Head Boy, whom I figured I would rarely see anyway since he spent the better part of his day surrounded by his lackeys down in the Slytherin wing. Still, Malfoy's biggest enemy was Harry, second Ron, I only fell third on the list which left me to conclude that as long as I didn't have the boys over too much, the two of us could share a mutual silent truce at least when it was just the two of us. That was my hope anyway.

"Prefects, you may lead your students back to the dormitories. I bid all of you a good night." The Headmaster cheerfully announced as the students began filing out into the hallways with their respective leaders.

"I have to meet with Dumbledore to go over the rules for this year. Don't forget we have NEWT level potions tomorrow morning first thing so don't sleep in again, please." I sighed to the boys as they got up to follow the rest of the Gryffindor House.

They groaned loudly because they knew it would annoy me, but later both plastered on their trademark smiles before getting out of their seats. Ron pecked my cheek lightly before joining his dark haired counterpart. As I walked silently up the stairs towards the Headmaster's office, I contemplated how much I hated the rut our relationship had taken. There was no flare for the spontaneity, no sexual desire over long looks or heated arguments, there weren't even regular arguments anymore. We were simply: Ron and Hermione, the old married couple of the school, textbook, expected, a role model to others…sometimes I really hated that…

"That was nearly too painful to watch." A voice snickered from the dark shadowy corner.

"Stuff it, ferret boy." I snapped back, not in the mood to deal with his antics right now before the Headmaster.

"It's only a matter of time, mudblood." He happily replied as we both entered Dumbledore's lavish office.

"First off I congratulate both of you for your scholastic success at achieving your Head titles." Dumbledore enthusiastically announced as he shook our hands in honor. I plastered on the best fake smile I could find while Malfoy simply narrowed his eyes in disdain and distrust. Everyone was aware of the rumor that Malfoy received the nomination only to keep his father happy and away from attacking the school directly. No one trusted the Malfoy's and their close relations to the Dark Lord and therefore people speculated that his position as Head Boy was a gift to keep the Slytherins happy until they graduated and joined the Dark Lord's forces themselves. Though I couldn't help but partially believe the gossiping rumors, part of me still believed that Malfoy really was smart underneath the bastard exterior that he showed to the world; mostly because of his stubborn pride at always coming in second best at grades to myself.

"Thank you Headmaster." I sweetly replied as we all took our seats around the wooden desk.

"Now, your rooms are located on the first floor directly in between all four houses; they are close enough to each house as well as my office and the main classrooms so that if there was ever a problem you could be easily reached, as well as the rest of the staff. As you know you will share a common room and will have your own personal entranceway to your private bedrooms through two portraits. Draco, yours is the portrait of Charlemagne, Hermione your portrait is of Joan of Arc. There are two shift rotations on rounds, you two will rotate the earlier shifts, while the professors rotate the later shifts, not including weekends which you will both be off duty for. You two are now the role models of this institution, I trust there will be no problems handling that responsibility…"

"No sir." I quickly replied while Malfoy quietly shook his head.

"Excellent, " the wise old man cheerfully announced. "Then off to your rooms now. You have a long year ahead of you." He finished lightly. I was grateful that he didn't ask about the rest of my vacation while Malfoy was in the room, or at all. I just didn't have the energy to open myself up like that just yet.

Back in my personal rooms I was at a loss for what to do with the time allotted before sleep. I read all of the books for the term by the first month of summer break, long before any of my current problems started, still there seemed to be a fog surrounding the information I had covered back then and though I should have looked back over tomorrow's lesson, I found myself too exhausted to care. What I truly wanted to do was just fall asleep, but my mind and body were too alert and restless to sleep this early. Though Ginny claimed she was going to stop by, I heard through the grapevine that she was too engrossed in a snogging session with Harry and probably wouldn't remember to show up. Wondering around the room I felt on edge, restless, I had already rearranged the room three times and unpacked everything I could. The common room would probably be overrun by Malfoy and his good for nothing friends so I tried to steer clear from that corner of the suite. My feet began to move, walking in circles, not stopping…because stopping would increase tranquility…which let the mind relax and clear room for memories best left buried. I was greedy for something….anything…and after minutes of searching my eyes rested on one sole corner of the room.

Every year my family goes to France to visit my father's relatives. We usually spend a week or two in the French countryside visiting local shops and landmarks while seeing my grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc. Two summers ago there was a potter selling his artwork alongside the road towards my grandparents home, and after being breath taken by all the beautiful pieces, I begged my father to buy some for me. The pottery tricked the mind, making look more delicate and fragile than it really was; therefore all three pieces were inexpensive but had the allure of costing a fortune. It was in these three clay decorations that I hid my secrets, the bottles of liquid gold, the bags of solid powdered bliss, the sweet escape… All I needed was a little of both, just to put my mind at ease until I fell asleep; maybe sometime I would steal the ingredients out of Snape's storage to brew a Dreamless Sleep potion, but until then I had to use Muggle methods and hope they were enough. People were naturally skittish around things they think will be easily breakable, therefore not even the House Elves will dare touch them, and as long as I was careful my secret would remain safe within its confines.

"I just need a little bit…" I whispered aloud as I stared at the clear liquid greedily. I only needed a little of each, just a few pills and a couple swigs and I could fall asleep without the memories of my deteriorating life overplaying. Stumbling, I grabbed a hold of the oak dresser and stares at my hollow eyes through the mirror.

"You look like hell, dear." My reflection spoke in disgust. One thing I was certain I would never get used to was how everything seemed to be alive in this realm.

"Thanks." I bitterly retorted as I grabbed my wand and muttered a quick incantation to hide the shadows under my eyes. The air was stiff in my room so I decided to open up the heavy curtains to let the cool late summer breeze enter through the stone walls. I let my mind clear then, as I pushed my face out to meet the calm wind and already I could feel the light effects of my secret take hold. My mind swirled, like a dance in the breeze…I wanted to dance too…moving, gliding across the floor to my own tune…

"Come Josephine…" I began singing again like I did the night I nearly hurled over the rocky cliffs. Then just as blissful as I was in my own world, the crash came and as my body hit the unwrinkled bed and curled up tight, I swore I heard a knock come from outside.

"I tried to knock on your door last night, but I guess you were already asleep." Ginny announced the next morning as I struggled to keep down the toast and juice for breakfast. I knew last night was a mistake, especially since Potions was my first class of the day with the two least enjoyable people: one Severus Snape, and one Draco Malfoy. I was surprised when Harry and Ron announced that they were also continuing with the advanced class, due to their mutual hatred of the same two people, however both wanted to pursue a possible career as Auror's and it was a required course along with Transfiguration, Charms, DADA, and a variety of others. The boys in question were already running a few minutes late and barely had time to finish their breakfast before heading down to the dungeons.

"Did you guys get everything squared away then for Quidditch this year?" I asked as the three of us walked down towards our classroom together. Ron had his arm resting lightly across the small of my back which I was vaguely surprised about since he was usually too embarrassed to show any outward affection especially in front of the Slytherins walking ahead of us.

"So far most of the team will stay the same as last year with a few changes we think. There's a third year, Kayla Kline, who would make an excellent Chaser; Madam Hooch recommended her after watching her during her flying lessons, she says she's a natural. I think we're going to keep a few back ups as well, to practice with the team incase something happens to one of the players, that way we won't have to forfeit incase of an emergency." Ron announced enthusiastically while Harry nodded in agreement. There was still a few minutes left before the drastically smaller class began and as the boys furthered their discussion over the sporting team for this year, I found my mind wandering around the classroom looking for any sign of change over the past summer. I couldn't help but get the impression I was being watched however, and turned around slightly in my stool to see the source of my paranoia. Two ice blue storms glared in disdain from the seat off to my right as I watched the blonde fly a small parchment of paper towards my desk. I grabbed the paper, trying to be nonchalant about the exchange since it was unusual to see the boy in a class without his two sidekicks or yappy girlfriend (neither of whom attained high enough scores on their OWLS to be allowed in the class).

_He doesn't need you anymore_

The note disintegrated not long after, neither Harry nor Ron glanced up from where they were drawling defense moves on their empty parchment to see the scene play out. I glared at Malfoy, not wanting to cause a scene, and turned back to the front of the room where Professor Snape had begun writing ingredients on the blackboard. The dark haired professor noticed the two heads still bent over play by plays and silently he stalked up towards the front of their desks until both sets of eyes looked up.

"Last time I checked, Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley, this was Potions, not Quidditch 101, therefore if you would rather take your discussion elsewhere, I would gladly enjoy helping you out the door." He darkly stated with an eerie cheerfulness in his voice at the hope that he could finally rid himself of his two least favorable students.

"No sir," both boys gulped in reply as they turned their attention forward to the older man before them.

"Turn to page 112 and begin your potions. Fifty points from Gryffindor and detention for both of you for being ill prepared for class." Both boys groaned to themselves as everyone started their potion review from last years course. The potion was fairly simple, and easy enough to accomplish as long as one took their time to complete each step thoroughly.

"I was going to ask if you wanted to hang out later, sorry." Ron whispered in apology so that Snape wouldn't hear him.

"It's okay, some other time." I whispered back in reply, glancing up quickly to see if he heard us or not. Thankfully he was too busy praising Malfoy to pay attention to the rest of the small group up front. As I bottled my potion flawlessly, I watched my blonde haired rival humbly accept his praise from his mentor, then suddenly turn those tentative blue icicles towards me; he smirked, then continued back to finish up his own potion.

Seventh year students are advised to take fewer courses during their final term, courses that are narrowed to the specialty that they plan to achieve post graduation. Some students who are undecided merely default to those classes they simply excel in, while others like myself challenge themselves with as many courses as possible to keep their options open. However, their classes are not as long and more stretched out to allow time to meet with their advisors (Head of House) and to begin filling out applications for employment, university, or apprenticeship programs. Most of my applications I had already filled out with Professor McGonagall at the end of last years term and awaiting confirmation for enrollment sometime within the next few months. I had hoped to be a number of things ever since I first stepped into Hogwarts stone walls: at first I wanted to be a teacher like my mentor in Transfigurations but after awhile I realized I wanted to travel and see the world instead of being stuck inside all day long with students; another option was Potions researcher, which required university schooling and an apprenticeship post university for at least two more years. I once thought about combining training as both a Healer and Muggle medicine, merging the two worlds of medicine together which would allow me to travel anywhere I wanted, though it would take a lot of time to accomplish because in the Muggle world to study medicine took a long time to complete especially if one was going for their medical license. Even as a nurse it would take at least four years in both worlds, or four altogether if I overlapped both studies and found universities close enough.

A small piece of parchment floated into my lap as I was startled out of my thoughts suddenly. I hesitated, looking around the small group of people to see who would of sent it, knowing it wasn't either of the boys because they were right there beside me the whole time. My gaze landed on Malfoy, who seemed too smug to settle my nerves, and I let my shoulders drop as I contemplated opening what I was sure would be a rude remark on the paper. The scribbled note read like a passage from an old novel, written in Latin, and only a few lines long.

"_Animadverto quam defessus puer est per suus vita. Sit vultus pro quispiam magis in suus vita quam suus secundus rate concubine , is postulo a regina_ _demonstro suus locus in vita.'_

'_See how weary the boy is with his life. He is looking for something more in his life than his second rate concubine, he needs a queen to prove his place in life.'_ I translated eventually under careful watch the professor nor anyone else caught the quick exchange. I did nothing, merely folded the piece of paper until it suddenly disappeared into thin air, disintegrating before my eyes and I became uncertain if that was my own inner anger or if Malfoy planned for that to happen. I wasn't going to get angry, retaliate to his childish antics, I wouldn't give him that kind of pleasure; after bottling the solution and handing it into the professor I grabbed my school supplies, touched both boys lightly on the shoulder as they finished their own potion, and walked out into the quiet corridor holding my head high so he couldn't see the pain beneath the calm exterior.

"Bastard!" I shouted under my breath as I walked into my personal suite instead of the library where I was initially intending to go after class. I desperately wanted my release, but I knew I didn't have the time after calming myself down and heading back into the quiet hallways.

"Hey Hermione." A voice greeted from behind me. I turned around to see who it was, though by now I could pick that voice out of a crowd after sharing a room with her for six years.

"Hey Lavender." I replied back with a fake smile, pretending that we were once and still friends. Though she wasn't as bad as her younger self, there was something I didn't trust about her, something that reminded me of grade school girls that were always extremely nice to your face but the minute your back was turned you couldn't trust a word that they would say.

"Congrats on the Head Girl position, though we all knew you were a sure thing back in first year."

"Thanks. So how are you? Did you decide on anything yet for after school?" I asked curiously.

"I have a few options I'm thinking about. Pavarti and I were thinking of opening our own cosmetics store maybe around here or closer to London, but we're still not certain yet I guess. What are your plans? Are you and Ron thinking of anything serious after graduation?"

My first instinct was to laugh, then to cry, because either solution would make me unhappy. Marrying Ron would give me a stable but expected life where I could be content after a while but I would never be able to do the things I had planned to, like travel and find someone that truly loved me for me and not because they knew me and I would make a good companion. But life without him was terrifying, because of all the time we had invested, his family, our friends, what if I couldn't find anyone else, what if he truly was the one I was meant to be with and I would have given it up just for a simple possibility.

"We haven't talked about anything yet." I replied, which was the truth because we hardly talked at all these days let alone about plans for our future.

"But you're still together right? Everything's okay with you two?" She asked curiously. There was a tone in her voice and I was uncertain about the sudden interest in mine and Ron's love life. She never really asked before, though she was angry at first when we began dating because her and Ron had a fling the year before that ended a little badly.

"We're fine, truly." I replied with another false smile as I walked into the near empty library.

"That's good… Well I'll see you around I guess." She smiled cheerfully as she continued walking down the hall towards the Divination Tower.

The rest of the morning was spent in contemplation as I thought about the course that the past two days have took, trying to piece the uncertain pieces together. The afternoon was spent in class trying to pay attention while my mind screamed for release. The night was spent in blissful release, the bittersweet liquid that drains away problems and worries and pain, leading me into a deep intoxicating escape from the world.


	6. gluttony

A/N: Okay I'm really sorry for the long delay. I had serious writers block and a change in occupation so I only just got my computer back up and running recently. I really want to finish this story and I have some new and great ideas for it, hopefully, so I hope you guys stick with it and enjoy. This chapter might be a bit short, I have more ideas for the next one so I'm trying to write this quickly and post it before I get to the next one. Thanks so much for the reviews from before and I can't wait to see what you guys think of the new parts. Sorry again! moonlitefaery

Chapter Five: Gluttony

_Gluttony is an emotional escape, a sign something is eating us._ _  
Peter De Vries_

_Gula._ Latin for gluttony: as defined and interpreted by most scholars as the sin of overindulgence, to the point of excess or waste. Most early Christians deciphered this sin as overeating, claiming that if food was scarce, those who ate in excess to the necessary amount to survive upon, was condemned as being gluttonous. However, gluttony can be interpreted as anything that one does in excess, unnecessary to most other humans or creatures alike, but necessary to the sinner. What did they know about the craving deep inside anyway? Those scholars who spent years translating biblical texts, what did they know about the craving, that feeling that hides deep in the shadows crawling around in the dark waiting for its chance to surface and take control? How could they possibly understand the consistent need for something, the voice that tells you its okay, the way your body reacts in sweet surrender when you finally cave into its request.

Some days I was amazed at how I could keep both parallels of my life in perfect balance. It had been over a month already since school started, and the Halloween feast/ball was fast upon us. Upon popular decision to not hold a Yule Ball, due to lack of enthusiasm by the younger crowd, the dance would now be a costume masquerade, something every generation could enjoy. Nevertheless, parties aside, the equilibrium I had established weeks ago was becoming subconsciously routine-like. Every day I would get up early to sit for an hour to reflect upon the top of the Astronomy Tower, no matter how cold the weather got, no matter how bad the wind roared or the rain pelted the thick Hogwart's cloaks, it phased me not. From there my morning routine consisted of class, lunch (barely), study/homework at the library, dinner (again barely) and the rest of the night was dedicated to the sweet indulgence of my hidden life. As far as everyone was concerned I was still the overachieving, eager student, to the bare hollow walls I was the tortured soul in need of release, no matter the cost. Everything was sweet and blessed ignorance at the lives around me. Ron hadn't even bothered saying more than two sentences a day if that; I found it…relaxing…almost.

"Have you decided on a costume yet, Hermione?" Ginny asked casually as we sat by the fire of the Gryffindor common room one cold October evening.

"Not exactly. With NEWTS approaching I've been spending so much time studying lately." I replied nonchalantly so as not to get her curiosity peaked. She nodded slowly and continued to watch the fire crackle as a few first and second years gossiped loudly behind us.

"I think I want to go as a Greek goddess or something. Simple. Toga." Ginny smiled after a few moments of silence. I look at her quizzically to see if she was serious, and a after a few minutes we were both laughing hysterically, neither understanding why. It was the simple pleasure of good company that seemed to raise my spirits that evening; I might not even need to dip into my secret indulgence if the rest of the night went so well.

"Be a goddess with me Hermione, we can go as Artemis and Athena or you can choose some other one if you like. Its togas, you can't go wrong with togas." She smiled in reply. I rolled my eyes in blatant mockery, but caved in to her secret plot.

"Alright, I guess its simple enough for the evening." At that moment Lavender came down the stairs laughing over her shoulder to a tall redheaded figure; her hand resting flirtingly on his arm. When they reached the bottom of the stairs they broke apart, as if sensing the gossiping eyes. Lavender broke off to join her friends along the back corner of the lounge while Ron made his way over to our small circle. I tried to mask the pain written on my face, but Ginny was too smart to notice and sent me a sympathetic look anyway.

"Hey." He kissed my cheek lovingly as he took a seat across from us. Ginny sent her brother the deadliest of looks, but out of respect kept her mouth shut while I was around, for which I was extremely grateful for.

"Hi." I smiled falsely in reply.

"Mom wants to know when you're going to arrive at the Burrow over the holidays." He stated calmly. I nearly applauded the boy for his award winning performance; for not five minutes earlier he was flirting with another girl, and yet he still had the audacity to assume I was going to be there at his house for Christmas break. It came back to the expectations, he knew I wouldn't say no with Ginny there, nor could I deny his mother who's been like a second mother to me as well. I bet he would even try to purpose while I was there too, in front of everyone, because he would know I wouldn't deny him before his family, nor deny being a part of his family, legally.

"I'm not sure yet. I'll let your mum know as soon as I confirm plans with my parents." I stated with false pretense.

"I'll see you later." I attempted to smile at the pair, while kissing Ron lightly on the cheek as I made my way towards the Fat Lady's portrait. From across the room I could feel the heat of two glowing eyes boring holes into the back of my newly remodeled hair. It might not have been much, but one small feat to make her jealous did replace some of the bitterness I was squashing inside for the time being. The hour was growing late, and tomorrow was the night of the dance, therefore no school. Which meant tonight was devoted to pure sweet indulgence. I nearly screamed the password to the Joan of Arc portrait in anticipation to get closer to the mind altering blessed ignorance that came with every sip I took.

"In a hurry mudblood?" A blonde haired voice snipped from a few feet away. I stopped suddenly, frozen like a deer in headlights, took a deep breath for patience, and turned to my bitter enemy.

"Stuff it Malfoy. Don't you have a first year to pick on or something?" I nonchalantly replied, trying desperately to hide the shakiness in my hand as I started to push the portrait open. If he thought my behavior odd, he didn't comment on it, to which I was grateful for his uncharacteristic silence and hurried inside.

'Oh sweet surrender, take me far away from home…'

It was intoxicating, the feel of the cold bottle resting upon your parched lips. The taste of the bitter liquid trickling down your throat, allowing you to breathe, truly breathe, as if you've been suffocating all day and now you could take a deep and whole breath. I was no longer fazed by the foul taste it left afterwards, or the sting it punctured in your stomach at first contact. The way it made you forget the pain, forget how badly it hurt on the inside, from dead friends and bitter families. A secret escape that no one could ever know or understand…

"No!" I cried as the last drop fell.

"There's got to be more somewhere…" I cried in desperation as I searched frantically, uprooting tables and chairs, passing the forgotten wand that could have solved the issue quickly. The pills were empty too, the body numbing pills that took away the pain as the liquid took away the memories.

"No!" I screamed again as the room began to shake, the bottle breaking within my grasp; cool crimson blood spilled lightly from the scratches in my hand, deep scratches that flowed like a bloody waterfall. The room was in chaos, I had used wandless magic once again, but this time no professor or ministry official would come to my aid, for I put a protective barrier around my walls to not allow their detection to the secrets hidden within. No one would come…

As I felt the weightlessness take hold I thought to myself…Maybe this is my salvation? My final ending…Maybe now I could be free…

_The cliffs were bare, signaling late fall as all the vegetation began to die to make way for the impending snow. The wind was cold and fierce, like icicles pelting against your bare skin. A shadow stood in the distance, a small girl no older than four years walked along the cutting edge. _

"_Don't go to close!" I felt myself shouting to her, uncertain if she could even hear me._

_She looked familiar, the way her hair curled and blew haphazardly in the wind, the way her sorrowful brown eyes stared towards the unforgiving sea, she seemed lonely…so lonely._

"_Watch out!" I ran as fast as I could to the water's edge, but she was already falling, and from below a little boy held his outstretched arm, as if to catch her…and then everything went black…_

The incessant sun continued to shine through the crimson curtains the next morning forcing my tired swollen eyes to open begrudgingly. I tried to remember the events from the previous evening but all I could make out were scraps of memories tossed around. Pain, the bottle, anger, then sweet release, and a voice calling from the distance…something familiar…yet not really…and a dream…

Glancing down to my clothes I noticed that I had once again fell asleep in my school uniform, there was a light pain from my one hand.

"How did that scratch get there?" I wondered aloud to the empty room. It seemed like a shallow scratch running the length of my hand. I shrugged it off, probably just scratched myself and forgot…I forgot a lot of things nowadays. The room however seemed tidier than I last remember it, the house elves must have cleaned it up a bit, I thought with lingering bitterness over their enslavement. But those idealistic views were squashed long ago…it seemed like ages have passed since that time, when everything was so innocent…how times have changed, how lives have changed since then.

"Hermione? Are you up?" A voice called from outside the entrance of my private quarters. Glancing down I didn't want to give my friend reason to worry so I quickly changed into baggy pajamas to appear as though I only just got out of bed.

"Come in. The passwords still the same." I announced to the redhead outside. I knew instantly it was Ginny from the worried concern in her voice, she was just like her mother in that way.

"Hey sleepyhead! Did you just wake up?" She asked with a beaming smile that seemed a mile wide. I'm sure Harry had something to do with that early morning enthusiasm but I wasn't going to ask.

"Yeah, I was up late studying for Tuesday's exam." I lied casually. I hated lying but there was no way I could tell her the truth, especially since I didn't even remember the majority of the night anyway.

She shook her head slowly and proceeded to sit by the window lounge.

"So I thought we could start transfiguring our costumes for tonight since we didn't get a chance to buy anything at Hogsmeade last weekend."

"Sounds great." I forcefully smiled in reply. It was only then I noticed the bundle of old clothes in her hand. Though neither of us were too familiar with cosmetic spells, Ginny brought along a book to help us change our clothes and work on our hair and whatever else was required.

"You know your door's open, Hermione." Ginny commented a moment later as she went to find some old clothes of mine. She held up an old dress that I haven't worn in years and I nodded in reply that it would be okay before getting up to close the door to the common room. I didn't even remember opening the door, though last night was such a blur I might have done anything without knowing. Next time I would have to be more cautious. From across the room the piercing gray-blue eyes of my roommate narrowed ever so slightly from over the thick leather bound book he was casually reading by the fireplace. Normally he would have shouted some sort of an insult, or sneer in disgust, but he just brushed off my presence and went back to his reading. I shut the door quietly and locked it into place trying to figure out his odd behavior as of recently. He seemed as recluse as myself, hardly hanging around his friends, spending a lot of time in our quarters alone, reading or studying from old books that didn't look like they were from Hogwart's library. Nevertheless, he was still the enemy, at least in support of Harry and Ron he was still the son of a powerful Death Eater, and possibly a Death Eater himself if Voldemort has his way, which he usually does as of recent.

"Alright I think I found the perfect spell but I'm not sure exactly how it will turn out. What we have to do is picture the dress we want to have in our heads, then say the words and point the wands towards the dresses. Easy enough in theory, however if you think of anything else except the shape of the toga you want, then the spell kind of blows up the dress…"

"So basically clear our minds right now or be prepared to run really fast." I laughed in reply. It was comforting to spend time worrying about something so trivial as a dress for a dance.

"Okay, on three. One…two…three…_Induco_!" There was a faint burst of light and some white smoke before we could tell if the spell worked or not. Though part of me was more worried about failing at performing a spell rather than what the finished product would become. My mind, as clever and intelligent as everyone claimed, lacked certain creativity. I knew Ginny's dress/toga would look exquisite because she had the imagination of a perpetual child, something I envied in her greatly. I, however, could only picture something classical, simple, but hopefully elegant enough to pull off tonight. Part of me was worried about the talk that would form over the weight I recently lost, since my arms would be bare and exposed for the evening in the slightly revealing gown. My hope was that everyone would be more worried about themselves and their dates to notice. Which at Hogwarts would be the most likely case.

"Wow Ginny, your dress is beautiful." I commented truthfully. As she tried on her dress the layers of white silk seemed to melt against her pale skin gracefully, falling ever so slightly off her shoulders in delicate innocence.

"Try yours on Hermione." She anxiously announced seconds later. Part of me glanced down at the less intricate gown with an inward groan. Please let it be okay, I pleaded to myself.

"It's gorgeous, Hermione. It suits you." She smiled in sweet sincerity. Part of me was reluctant to admit that it wasn't all that bad after all. It was different from Ginny's many wraps and layers, but the thin braided straps and flowing material felt almost heavenly against my skin.

"Now onto hair." Ginny, fashion general extraordinaire, happily announced after both gowns were thoroughly inspected and praised. Ginny's hair was long enough to fix up, while my own was too short to pull into anything fancy, not to mention Artemis and Athena were typically drawn with dark brown and black hair accordingly, something neither of us had.

"We're going to need a color changing spell along with a lengthening charm." I announced as she rapidly paged through the cosmetic charm book.

"Got it." She smiled minutes later.

By the time we were finished the only recognizable thing on us was our eyes, which were covered with decorated white masks. Ginny had transformed her long red hair into long dark brown hair, curled, and piled half up and half down. On her back was a bow and arrow set, on her head a laurel wreath crown. Adorned on her arms were two gold bands as well as a gold medallion dangling from her small neck. My own look was just as different from my natural self, which part of me enjoyed more than anything; to be able to be someone else for a night. My hair was changed to black, and all of it was curled and tucked on top of my head, interwoven with gold adornments and leaves. I too had the gold arm bands but instead of a necklace I wore a gold circlet. In my arms I carried a book, a sign of being the goddess of wisdom as Ginny had her bow and arrows to symbol the goddess of the hunt.

It was later in the afternoon, and the masquerade was nearly ready to start as we made our way to the Great Hall where we were to meet our respected dates, Harry and Ron. People dressed as all sorts of characters were filing into the vastly decorated space. A tall blonde haired man walked up to us the moment we arrived and kissed Ginny hungrily on the lips.

"I sure hope you're Harry or else you have some explaining to do Ginny." I announced while raising an eyebrow slowly.

"It's me." The man announced with a smile. His hair parted and I could see the faint outline of his infamous scar and knew instantly he was telling the truth.

"What exactly are you supposed to be?" Ginny asked him quizzically. I took in the Elizabethan clothing and silly goatee he transfigured for the night and knew instantly who he was.

"Shakespeare." I laughed in realization. Harry shook his head in confirmation as Ginny kept her puzzled expression on her newly tanned face.

"Who's he?" She asked as the two of us still laughed. She gave up trying to figure it out and just accepted that it was something Muggle-like and she couldn't possibly know.

"Where's Ron?" I asked as we made our way to one of the empty tables along the wall. People were already invading the food table that was covered in all kinds of sweets and foods.

"He'll be along shortly, he said he had to go talk to Seamus I think." Harry replied as he led his date over to get some food. Feeling awkward in the revealing clothing and out of place without a date, I decided to take a walk to clear my head before going back to find Ron.

"A dance milady?" A voice called out as I was about to make my way outside. It sounded slightly familiar, as if I heard it before, but I couldn't figure out where. He was dressed in Grecian costume as well, disguised as Hector of Troy. His dark curly hair didn't seem natural against his somewhat pale skin, and his eyes were dark, but something about them didn't seem natural…like they should be another color, something lighter…

I didn't say a word, merely nodded in reply and let him walk me out towards the dance floor. What could one dance hurt anyway, right?

"Who are you?" I asked the stranger curiously.

"A mind as intelligent as yours, Athena, cannot figure it out?" He replied as he spun me around with unexpected grace.

"You're covered in charms from head to toe, of course I don't know who you are, Hector." I replied tersely. The young man smiled, half mocking, half sincere.

"_Atrum_ _nox noctis est plenus of mille admiration."_ He whispered darkly in my ear as the song ended its final chord. He chuckled lightly as he was my rapid mind attempt to translate to quick Latin. By the time I figured out his sentence he disappeared into the shadowy terrace.

'The dark night is full of a thousand surprises.' I whispered to myself. I knew that voice now, it was the same voice that mocked me, tortured me for years, and lately has been full of repressed silence. Malfoy.

I followed his shadow through the weaving maze of gardens outside the terrace balcony of the Great Hall. Though my eyes had yet to adjust to the darker surroundings, I followed his light footsteps through the shrubbery until I arrived at the found in the center of the gardens. The footsteps ended, yet instead of one lone figure there was a young couple trying to steal a hidden spot for lovers in the moonlight. I turned so not to intrude but part of me screamed to turn back, intuition most people call it, the couple looked so familiar…somehow.

Its amazing how time can slip by you without even knowing, how minutes can fly past you when you're given bad news. The night of Elizabeth's death I couldn't remember going from the accident back to my house, it seemed as though I just appeared back into the close confinement of my prison home. My feet just instantly began walking though my mind had no conscious knowledge of where it was leading me to. When I could think clearly again I was at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, a place no one save Hagrid would venture to alone. I could feel the anger boiling again; I could feel the magic flowing rapidly through my veins like lightening. Sparks flew like static electricity around my body, energy flowing in waves and my senses could feel every living organism around me. It was a rush, a high that I have never known before. The power was intoxicating, and draining, for every ounce of strength I felt I could feel the tiredness of my muscles begin to lose control. I could feel the consciousness slip away, oh how I needed my secret escape right now…if only I could imagine it here…before me…

The bottle appeared out of nowhere, right into my hand without use of my wand. I laughed hungrily and took that first sip, forgetting everything, forgetting the pain of my past, forgetting my traitorous boyfriend or my distant friends. Washing all sin and sorrow alike with every swallow I took.

The magic grew more powerful as my conscious mind became dull from the alcohol. The more I let go, the stronger I became, I could do anything now, any revenge I wanted…with only a thought.

Something in me knew I was being watched, possibly not by only one person either. A tall dark shadow glared down from the Tower, eyes glowing darkly in the night and I stared in intoxication, unable to move from its powerful glance. Suddenly another shadow appeared from behind the forest and without recognition I felt their spell hit me instantly before falling into a deep sleep.

_It was the same dream again, only there were some new characters thrown into the mix this time. The little girl was kneeling on the edge of the cliffs, her hand outstretched to the boy below who begged for her to let him catch her. Only this time she hesitated, this time her eyes were not only full of sorrow and pain, but there was something dark hidden inside the light brown coloring. _

"_Come back from the ledge." I shouted from far away. But the little girl barely turned her head. Instead she glanced over to another shadowy figure far to her left. He was older, dressed in shadow with eyes glittering in the moonlight. He beckoned her to come, and the little girl, as if in a trance, rose from her solitude and took his hand and walked away._

_And the little boy drowned back into the sea._

"_Nonnullus orior oriri ortus per sin , quod nonnullus per rectum cado" (Some rise by sin, and some by virtue fall)._

"The potion you will be making takes great skill and ability, so naturally I do not expect any of you idiots to brew it correctly. Turn to page 374. Anyone caught talking will receive a failure and a week's detention." The sneering voice of the potion's professor loomed the following Monday morning. Ron was avoiding all eye contact as he kept himself close to his best friend and counterpart. Harry attempted a half smile but knew that there was no way he could take sides on this. He and Ginny followed me out of the room and witnessed Ron's treachery first hand with Lavender Brown in the courtyard. Ginny gave him an earful and Harry had to hold her back otherwise she would have caused some serious damaged to her older brother. Ron attempted to explain and apologize, but I was too tired and exhausted to care. The night was just a whirlwind and no part of me was ready to forgive him, especially since I wasn't entirely sure how I arrived back to my dorm room that evening in the first place. There were two unknown figures out in the darkness watching me, neither of which I was sure who they were or what they were keeping an eye on me for in the first place. Though the person on the Astronomy Tower did seem somewhat familiar as well, someone I've seen before, or perhaps in a dream…

"Detention Miss Granger for daydreaming in class; tonight, 8 o'clock." Professor Snape tersely announced before the whole class. Normally I would blush and hide my head down in shame, but part of couldn't muster up the courage to care. Draco snickered from his cauldron behind me; I could feel his steely eyes boring holes in the back of my head, daring me to turn around. Instead I stared up to the front of the class where the potion master also bore his dark eyes, daring me to protest in response. I wouldn't give him the dark satisfaction so I smiled instead, a pure smile of indifference which confused Harry and Ron who turned around to offer their sympathies. I finished my potion perfectly even with the slight delay

"Hermione…" A voice called as the bell rang and the students filed out of the dungeon classroom.

"I don't want to hear your apologies Ron so you can give it up already before I forget my good mood and do hex you in front of your girlfriend." I announced as I watched Lavender's brown head bob down the passageway. He nodded in reply and went to join his new girlfriend who tried to smile in my direction but before she could I ducked out of the way and back towards the library.

"Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all." A voice called from a shadowy corner of the library. Someone else was in my usual spot, the one place that no other student usually occupies because of the dim lighting, a spot that I have occupied since I was a lonely eleven year old studying thousands of years of magic.

"How do you know Oliver Wendell Holmes?" I asked the familiar voice quizzically.

"Why shouldn't I? Do you think only Muggle literature should be read by Muggles and Muggleborns?" My roommate retorted tersely.

"You hate Muggles AND Muggleborns. I assumed literature would fall under some sort of taboo in your household." I smartly replied back.

"And yet, Granger, you're so quick to defend yourself when others judge your character so quickly." He stated with a sneer. It seemed he wanted to battle wits and character stereotypes but I was confused on his sudden mood. Though by no means was he being polite, but it seemed he craved some kind of intellectual battle over personality traits and character flaws or maybe just over literature, which was a change of pace from the typical battle of insults and hexes. I wasn't sure if it was safe to have this kind of conversation here in the library, exposed by people from both sides, too many onlookers and too much suspected gossip.

"If you mean to challenge me Malfoy, then do so at some later time. I have work to finish and a detention to serve." I glared in reply, hoping he caught the hint and turned back to find another table and chair to work at until afternoon Charms. The potions essay seemed to come out of my head through autopilot, my hand with a mind of its own began scribbling down theories and equations and yet I couldn't seem to figure out what I was writing or focusing on. All I could hope for was that it sounded logical enough and argumentative enough to earn a good grade otherwise it would be another detention next week.

"I'm so sorry Hermione." Ginny announced at the table during dinner.

"I'm really getting sick of hearing that phrase." I muttered under my breath. I wasn't sure if she heard, and with the lowering of her head I knew she definitely heard my reply.

"I knew something was up, and I tried to talk to Ron, but he's a stubborn ass and said nothing was going on. Are you okay?" Another phrase I was beginning to hate. It seemed the whole castle knew the news and was either offering their condolences or snickering in mock humor (mostly from the Slytherins). I knew what they were thinking. Ugly, brainy Granger couldn't even hold on to Harry's sidekick, no one would want her now. Well good for them, think what they want because I was through with it. What did I need a relationship for anyway? Especially one built on falsities and pretenses, I admitted before I didn't truly love Ron anyway, so what does it matter if he found someone he truly cares about? Part of me wanted to go over and forgive him, tell him that I wasn't really that much into the relationship anyway, but part of me couldn't get over the cheating, the cowardice that he couldn't tell me himself before starting things with Lavender. Prat.

"You're five minutes late." Professor Snape announced hours later as I arrived for detention. I nodded, refusing to admit the reason for my tardiness was due to replenishing my stash. I discovered that though magic could transfigure liquid beverages, there were no spells to configure Muggle pills quite yet; though there were natural herbal drugs that had similar effects, nothing could compare to the sweet narcotics and manmade highs that Muggles could produce in excess. So finding a supplier who had both magical and Muggle ties, I ordered new supplies through the mail which cost a little extra due to the complexities and risks, but in the end was worth it; and each new supply came with something different, some new mixture to eliminate the pain, at least temporarily.

"Sorry professor." I apologized with as much sincerity as I could muster at the time.

"You'll be replenishing Poppy's supplies for the infirmary for the next four hours. I assume you know how to brew such simplistic potions without the need of a book, Miss Granger?" He asked with a sneer and a half smirk.

"Yes professor. I think I can manage." I replied with a hint of sarcasm at his lack of confidence in my abilities. The room was silent for the next few hours as Snape graded papers and I worked on the multiple concoctions. It was nearly midnight, close to the end of my detention when he finally spoke.

"Interesting display of power the other night, Miss Granger." He stated without looking up from the third year papers he was grading. I wasn't sure if he was expecting a response, or rather what the response should be, so I kept my mouth shut and my head tilted down towards the boiling cauldrons.

"Wandless magic of such magnitude is unusual for anyone your age. That kind of power takes years of training and ambition to obtain. Most never reach those kinds of levels. Some would wonder if there were any form of…influences…that aided you…"

"I would never ally myself with the Dark Lord, professor. I would never offer myself to such cowardice." I angrily replied, temporarily forgetting my place. I could feel the rage bubbling again, the lightening flowing through my veins.

"But He would be very interested in aligning himself with you if he knew your capabilities." This time the dark haired professor looked up from his grading and I couldn't seem to break the glance of his dark onyx stare. He was a mystery that many have tried to figure out over the years. No one was completely sure where his loyalties lie, whose side he was truly on. Now, with the conversation turning in so many different ways, it seemed that he was testing me, seeing how my anger affected my magic, the uncontrollable wild power that seemed to take over when I came to a point of turning back. Maybe it was the drugs talking, maybe it was the shadowy face of a tortured soul staring at me through the candlelight, but as fast as the anger came, it diminished just and suddenly.

"It's his loss then that he'll never know, sir. Besides, I'm still a Muggleborn." I replied and finished bottling the last of the potions.

"I think in this case he can overlook such flaws." He replied cynically. I stood there confused for a moment, wondering why today seemed to be the day for strange and unusual topics with enemies. Placing the completed bottles on the professor's desk I grabbed my backpack and walked out into the dark hallways and back to my common room for insane conversation number two to take start.

"Before you even open your mouth I would like to know what's going on with everyone suddenly." I stated to my roommate who seemed casually relaxed in silk pajamas across the room. He didn't reply but merely lifted one elegant eyebrow as if saying to continue on.

"You start spouting off Muggle literature, everyone's acting funny around here, and now they think I'm in league with the Dark Lord." I didn't mean to mention the last bit, and damned myself for bringing up the topic. I just implied to the son of a high Death Eater about my powers which I was sure Professor Snape would inform him of later anyway.

"Hypocritical don't you think, Granger? How you claim everyone is acting odd except possibly yourself. Blaming others, lashing out at me, but who's truly at fault?"

"Now we're getting psychological, fantastic." I muttered in reply. Draco remained calmly in his seat, a smile on his face as though he was enjoying this word game enthusiastically.

"I have always read Muggle literature Granger, only I never made a habit of quoting it before now, however though my parents are anti-Muggles, I was still raised to be aware of all kinds of knowledge and if that meant reading Muggle fiction, then so be it. However, to continue this train of thought, how can you be sure its all Muggle literature? How do you know those writers weren't witches, wizards, werewolves even. Did you know Shakespeare was a half-blood, magical on his father's side, a very old and noble family line. Where do you think he got all those ideas for his plays? And then of course…"

"I get it Malfoy, I admit I do not know everything, are you happy now? Satisfied?" I snapped back.

"I'm more interested in your own hypocrisies Granger. You walk around here yelling at others for rule breaking and not committing themselves to their studies and yet you live your own double life. Think no one's noticed yet Granger?"

"Shut up! Just shut up. You don't know what you're talking about." I yelled in anger, stepping back in retreat. The air was suffocating, I needed to get out, get away, to run, hide, release myself into oblivion. How stupid could I be? Of course he would start suspecting, he lives next door doesn't he?

"How's that life working out for you, Granger? Numb it all away yet? I'm curious about what exactly you're taking, and how you're getting it. Most magical substances I can trace out fairly easy, living with my father and his friends I find myself very capable of knowing what kinds of plants and remedies cause which effects. But I can't figure it out with you. I can only assume its some kind of Muggle connection, I watch the owl deliver a package on the first of every month. Hermione Granger's double life, if only the others knew. I assume they don't know right? It's not something you would want to share with others because they look up to you. You're the brains of their little operation, and yet you're trying everything in your power to kill yours one day at a time. I guess you aren't the smartest witch of her time are you?" He got up this time, started walking across the room towards me and the most I could do in my hazy mind was step back along the wall. His arms cornered me and I could smell the after effects of his body wash and aftershave. My body was frozen, muscles tight and constricted, unmoving, and all I could do was glance up into his angry steel eyes.

"Nothing to say now Granger? I half expected your anger to start electrocuting me by now." He whispered lowly.

"How do you know about that?" I stated once I found my voice again. Draco Malfoy was an intimidating figure, tall, muscular, and right now blocking all exits to the one place I need to be.

"Rumor is you've been sited a few times lashing out without a wand. But then again it's just a rumor right?" His voice was intoxicating and surrounding. This was not the Draco I was used to, the angry boy that was bitter and jealous of Harry's fame and popularity. This was a young man, grown up in wealth, power and hatred towards those beneath him. In some ways that made him more deadly than Voldemort. Voldemort was pure evil and predicable. Malfoy was unpredictable, influential, and dangerous…very dangerous in a way completely different from the Dark Lord.

"Rumor's aren't always true are they?" Suddenly finding my inner strength again I shoved Malfoy out of the way and ran into my rooms, locking the door behind me.

Very dangerous.

A/N: This is a HG/DM fic. However I have to tie Snape into the mix for reasons I'll explain later, so at times it might seem like she's starting to fall for him…just go with the flow for the moment I swear Draco is still the main interest so don't panic.


	7. Lust

A/N: Hey guys. Thanks for staying with the story. I've got a bunch of hits since I posted the new chapter, however, I'm lacking in reviews. Just a quick note to let me know what you think of the story would be awesome. Anyway, enjoy this nice long new chapter. And remember it's rated for a reason, there's plenty of dark undertones but I assure you it will get better for Hermione I promise. I love writing angst/drama because you can put so much of your own dark fears into the character and make them more alive…albeit a bit OOC….anyway…enjoy!

Moonlitefaery

Chapter Six

Lust

"If we do not know ourselves to be full of pride, ambition, _lust_, weakness, misery, and injustice, we are indeed blind. And if, knowing this, we do not desire deliverance, what can we say of a man…?" Blaise Pascal

Time passed ever so slowly, and as the battle raged on to the outside world, those of us sheltered (for now) under Hogwarts mighty wing had little concept of the approaching days except for the anticipation of the holiday break. November came and went quickly filled endlessly of tests, homework, and anything else the professor's could do to prepare us for the impending NEWT exams. Life seemed to come to become a broken record since the Halloween Ball. Draco Malfoy kept his icy glare ever so consistent in my direction since he cornered me against the wall and admitted my secret sin aloud. He never tried to get so close again, however his ever watchful eye never left my sight unless there were other suspecting eyes in the area pointing out his newfound obsession. I once overheard him tell Pansy that he was keeping a watch on Harry Potter's friends for the Dark Lord's new plan. It made the hairs on my arm raise and a cold shiver go down my spine. Part of me worried that the protection charms placed around mine and Ron's families would no longer hold or become breached somehow. But deep down I knew he was just watching to see if I'd slip…right?

Professor Snape was another story altogether. Since the night he discovered my wild power he too seemed to keep a close eye on me. There were days when he would give me detention for no reason, forcing me to restock Pomfrey's stores or help grade first year papers. During these times he would purpose attempt to rise my anger, but after a time I grew aware of his attempts and forced myself to not say a word no matter how bad the taunting became. Malfoy became aware of it too because every detention I received he would glare at his mentor menacingly. Part of me was worried there was something going on that I did not know about, and yet I didn't say anything. Every threat or problem that happened to Harry and Ron over the years I lectured until they went to the Headmaster about it, but this year was different. The Headmaster and Harry were secretly working on some sort of plot to destroy Voldemort and no one was allowed to know what they were doing, not even Ron or myself. So why should I tell them if they won't tell me what's going on? It seemed only logical and fair.

"Detention Granger." A cool collected voice commented from the front of the classroom.

"Damn," I muttered under my breath so he wouldn't hear. Another long boring detention with Snape which meant a night of verbal torture and humiliation. Only one more day until holiday break…one more day…

A note fluttered pass from the seat behind me. I nearly groaned aloud knowing exactly who it would be from.

'_Caveo proditor vigilo obtutus.'_

'Beware the traitors watchful gaze.' What does that mean? Malfoy, sworn enemy to Muggles, Muggleborns, and Harry Potter everywhere is warning me about Snape. If Snape dark gaze wasn't watching us quietly I would have dared to turn around and question the blonde haired boy, but I knew it would have to wait till we were back in the common room.

"Why does Snape keep giving you ridiculous detentions?" Harry asked as the three of us walked out of the classroom moments later. Though Ron and I would never, could never be as close as we once were, I gave him the satisfaction of civil indifference for the sake of our mutual friend.

"I think it's so he doesn't have to keep making Pomfrey's potions for the infirmary himself. Besides, it's really not that bad." Most of the time I wanted to add.

"Slimy git. Shouldn't he be out doing something for his pal Voldemort." Harry spat bitterly. Ron shuddered at the use of the Dark Lord's name. A small shiver went down my back at the sound.

"Harry its fine. He's busy gathering information for us anyway which helps our cause." Part of me wondered how I still kept up the voice of reason for our little trio, how after all I've done and everything that's happened that I can still have the strength in me to pretend to criticize them for all their faults. Compared to me, their pranks and antics seem like child's play…

"Be careful Hermione. I gotta go; last meeting with Dumbledore before the holidays." Harry announced as he took off towards the stone gargoyle down the passageway.

"Mum wanted to know if you still planned to stop by the Burrow for Christmas? She really wants you too…we all do." Ron asked sheepishly as his cheeks flushed with color. I hadn't seen him so nervous since fourth year and he tried to ask Fleur to the dance.

"I really don't know Ron. I'm not sure what my parents have planned. But tell her I'll try, and if I can't then I wish them both a Merry Christmas." I stated truthfully.

"Okay. Well have a good holiday then Hermione." He replied with an outstretched hand.

"You too, Ron;" and kissed his cheek instead before heading to my rooms before tonight's detention.

I walked through the familiar portrait of Joan of Arc and sighed in contentment. Glancing to the hidden vase which held my dirty little secret, I wasn't tempted by its intoxication. I felt…calm…relieved…maybe it was the atmosphere of the holidays, maybe I was somehow getting better on my own but for the first time since I took my first sip all I craved was a hot bath and a relaxing book.

_The little girl looked older this time. Her hair was longer, curlier now, her eyes still large and sorrowful. She wore a simple dress and held in her hand a small glass ornament. From the distance it looked like a snake or a dragon, but it was so hard to see its exact shape in the moonlight. Below the boy, older now as well, continued to hold one outstretched hand shouting words that drowned in the crashing waves. But this time he was not in the water, but along the shore and dressed in brilliant robes…wizards robes. The young girl looked down at him cautiously and shook her head._

_The older boy was there too, dark as night against the younger boys moonlight reflection. He was covered in darkness and shadow, and he spoke in words only the young girl could understand for she walked towards him, as if in a trance and he grabbed her fiercely…and the young boy walked back into the ocean._

My head was throbbing as I opened the dungeon doors. The dream was always the same, but lately it had changed ever so slightly and I could never remember the whole thing, nor how it was all related and who the characters were in the story. It seemed so real, yet so symbolic at the same time. Maybe next time I'll slip my own Dreamless Sleep Draught into my robes before leaving Snape's classroom.

"Tardiness never used to be a habit of yours Miss Granger, so why the sudden need for it?" The dark raspy voice of the ever feared potions master called from his desk at the front of the classroom.

"Tutoring session ran late, professor."

"And lying too. I should take points from Gryffindor for that kind of behavior."

My head was screaming to reply in retaliation but I was already in enough trouble, I didn't need to make things worse before tomorrow's vacation. So I took a deep breath and began gathering the ingredients I needed for tonight. I could have brewed these potions in my sleep after all the detentions over the past month and a half.

"I am curious however. I overheard some interesting rumors about you Miss Granger." His eerily calm voice seemed to be moving closer from behind me. I stiffened up at the word rumor…did Draco tell anyone? Did anyone else know about my secret…would I finally be caught after all this time?

"I hardly suspected a busy man as yourself to listen to rumors, sir." I tried to be polite but my insides were shaking, and after last night it seemed like I was past all this, past the need, past the craving…

"So naïve Miss Granger to put on such a brave front while the love of your life prepares to marry his prized trophy wife." Confused and somewhat irritated I straightened my spine and stared at the distant stone wall. It was so unlike the dark man to say or try new tactics to get my anger going. His voice was almost pure seduction as it washed past my ear teasingly.

"Ron wouldn't have proposed already, professor. Perhaps your sources are not as reliable as you think." I retorted, but deep down part of me was breaking again. The part that took so long to rebuild, the thin glass was shattering and my wall of security would crumble soon if he didn't stop talking.

"Perhaps you are right, Miss Granger. They were merely rumors after all, very little truth in what gets around the castle these days. In a few months you will all be separated anyway, graduation looms in the distance, the upcoming battle with Voldemort that you three have so eagerly have been anticipating since your first year of school. Everyone parting their separate ways with their significant others to start their own lives and families… But that life was never good enough for you was it, Miss Granger. You could not stand to settle as a merely homemakers wife, raising the next generation of redheaded children as the boys boasted about their great victory to anyone in walking distance. Your talents wasted, your passion diminished and the most you could hopeful would be to see your child raised to be something better than you yourself settled for."

I suppose it came from being a spy all these years, but the man truly knew which buttons to push to incite anger inside a person. He was like the bad devil hanging on your shoulder pointing out your faults and nagging to get revenge, to play the bad girl card for once instead of the good angel.

"I guess its good then that we are no longer together, isn't it. So I can pursue something else in life."

"Alone don't you mean? All the great scholars must go their own way alone. Their pride, their ambition, thirst for knowledge and power forces them to do it alone. You're no different then the rest of us, Miss Granger; myself, Dumbledore, even the Dark Lord…"

"I am NOT like you. I am NOT like HIM! I am smarter than that, I am not tempted by power and darkness…"

"Aren't you? You keep to yourself these days, hide inside yourself while you study to become the best, out doing those around you because its all you have to offer. Soon it won't be enough to just know, you'll have to try, experiment, dip into magic's no other dares to touch…maybe to save a friend…" He was right behind me now, inches away, his fingertips resting lightly on my shoulders, feeling the static rising.

"NO!" I screamed as the power erupted uncontrollably from my skin. Oh it hurt, the pain of the magic not being able to channel through a wand the way we're taught at a young age. This pure unbridled power flowing through flesh and hitting whatever target it touched.

The professor was thrown back, both from the force of the power and for his own self defense. A wide grin spread maniacally from ear to ear, his obsidian eyes sparkling in the silver blue light. My body felt not my own, as though someone else was in control. I tried to contain it, willed the power back down inside, I had to control it, needed to control it, or I was afraid there would be a time when it would be uncontrollable and I would lose all of my conscious self to serve some dark purpose…

The power slowly died, my head throbbing suddenly began to refocus to the present, to the sinisterly pleasant face of the potions master who watched the whole scene from the back corner.

"Then it is true." He whispered more to himself then to me.

"You told Him already didn't you? Betray the Order to give your true master this information. And I stood up for you when the others questioned your loyalties…" I shouted, looking for a way out and quickly.

"Foolish girl, you know nothing about what's going on out there. Sheltered here, pretending to be anxious to join the fight. So eager to die are we Miss Granger? Too bad you won't remember tonight." He smiled. I tried to raise my wand but he was more experienced and had quicker reflexes, the memory wouldn't be powerful, but I knew it'd be enough to not be able to warn the others of tonight's endeavor.

"I'm sorry Harry…" I thought as I fell down into the foggy path of oblivion.

"Hello mum…dad." I nonchalantly announced as the cab driver dropped off the last of my luggage to the door. I didn't want to be back here, with all the memories of what happened all those months ago…it wasn't enough time…

"Hi sweety." I cooed to my baby sister, Athena, the little light of hope in my parent's eyes for a child with a perfect non-magical future. As much as I loathed them for their cold indifference to their first born, my little sister had no control over her birth and therefore was perfectly innocent.

"We were thinking of going down to your mom's sisters for the next week. You probably have loads of schoolwork to catch up on so you'll probably want to stay home and study. We'll send Emma your best." My dad announced, neither asking whether I wanted to go, but already brushing me off and only moments since I walked in the door.

"That's fine." I replied softly as I dragged my trunk upstairs. Part of me was excited to have the place to myself once again. Part of me was terrified that it would bring all those memories back again, the haircut, the bar, the morning I picked up those two bottles and couldn't say no…

It was an odd experience coming home, feeling like a lost relative visiting for a few days. Every time I was home for any length of time my parents decided to take their vacation, so I was merely someone who could stay and watch the house. My own sister barely knew me, because they kept her from me; afraid that somehow my magic would rub off on her or something. I tried to explain that it was genetically impossible, they wouldn't believe me, and so this was what our lives were reduced to. This would be the last time I would come back to this place, the last time I would see my parents, walk these cliffs that stood so close to a friend who had the world at her feet, and life cut so short. I closed my eyes and tried to picture her bright face once again…her long blonde hair, bright smile, thin frame...she was everything I wished I could have been, our lives should have been switched, for she should be here and myself gone to another life.

"I thought I recognized you, Hermione." A blonde haired man announced as he walked across the light layer of early Christmas snow.

"Elijah. Hey." I replied as I glanced up to see my best friends brother. Their similarities could have made them twins.

"Home for break?" He asked as he tucked his hands shyly into his pockets.

"Last one. I graduate this summer." I smiled weakly back at him. Time seemed to have been harder on him over the loss of his sister, for his hair was longer and more uncontrollable then he usually kept it, his face roughly shaven, and his clothes not so delicately picked out as he usually did.

"How's med school going?" Continuing conversation we walked alongside the cliffs towards his home.

"I took a year off. I'll go back next fall…for my parents…to help out and all." He was blinking rapidly while he took out a cigarette and lit it slowly in the cold breeze.

"You want one?" He asked graciously. I nodded in reply. I had only done this once before, years ago as me and Liz hid in the back of her parents house and attempted to see what the big fuss was about smoking. I didn't want to look inexperienced so I took my time lighting it, inhaling slowly, then continuing alongside his longer pace. The taste was bitter at first, different from the drinks and the pills, and it took a while to find a rhythm to where I didn't embarrass myself in front of him.

"What are your plans for after school?"

"I hadn't thought about it really. There's a lot going on right now…at school…that I'm just anticipating graduating really." I replied with a sigh.

"Understandable. Well this is my stop. I'm having some people over later, why don't you stop by, you know, to get away from your house for a while."

"Sure. I'll just stop over later than." The excitement wanted to bubble over, the anticipation of hanging out with the man I've had a crush on for years. But as soon as that joyous feeling came, the stabbing pain of realizing who this person was…the broken brother of my dead best friend. Maybe he's healed now, forgiven me for not staying with her at the bar that night…maybe he'll notice me now…

My parents stayed long enough to have dinner before packing up the car and kid and taking off towards Bristol to see my aunt. They claimed they left the Christmas presents in the room and that I could go in anytime and open them. Part of me was eager at what they would give me this year, last year it was a set of Muggle literature, very strict religious Muggle readings that deterred from magical anything. I think they secret hoped they could rid it out of me if they tried hard enough. Nevertheless, I spent the better part of that evening trying to get ready. I didn't want to seem too eager, like I was trying to hard, nor did I want to wear anything too revealing. I needed something that would make me look a bit older, mature, something he would appreciate being a med student.

"You made it!" The very drunk voice of the handsome blonde in question announced only moments after I arrived. The small gathering of friends was not exactly a small gathering, but rather a very large, very out of control party that seemed to have started at sunset and was just getting into full swing.

"Hey Elijah. So what do you have that's good?" I asked, not wanting to waste time but rather digging in to join the fun. A chance to dance and party your cares and worries away…to see a boy…

"Anything you like. But I think you need to catch up first, a few rounds of shots should do it." He smiled wide and I followed him like the lovesick puppy I was.

Alcohol has a funny way of stripping all inhibitions and making you feel as though you could do or be anything you want. It gives you the confidence that you would otherwise lack to say anything you want. The shots turned into rounds of drinking games, many I've never heard of in my short lifetime. I was taught by a dark haired football (soccer) player how to properly mix drinks without just randomly throwing something together. One of the women there decided to show the room the true difference between surgically enhanced boobs versus the natural thing. Then there was the loud music that made everyone think they could dance like a professional but in reality was just an excuse to grope the member of the opposite, or sometimes same, sex. By my third hour there I could no longer feel anything except the wonderful intoxication taking control of my body and with some form of inner strength I didn't know I possessed; I decided to ask the host for a dance.

The music was deep, edgy with a good beat, slow, but fast enough to keep a rhythm pace. I was shocked that Elijah accepted so quickly, and my palms were sweating profusely as his hands gripped my hips tightly. I could feel every powerful muscle beneath my fingertips, and with a hunger I didn't know I possessed I curled those fingers around his strong arms. Minutes passed, feeling like hours that we moved against each other along the dance floor, and part of me could feel the effects of the dance sobering me up.

"Hey I brought your friend a drink; she finished her back at the pool table." Tucker, one of Elijah's friends, stated as he handed me the amber liquid. He smiled as I thanked him, then friendly gripped his buddy's shoulder. Elijah turned away for a moment, swallowing something another girl handed him, from where I was standing it looked like ecstasy but I couldn't be too sure.

"Hey, let's get out of here for a little while; go upstairs away from the chaos." I nodded like a lovesick puppy and followed him up the familiar stairs. Something didn't feel right, my mind was hazy, my body stumbled a little, I laughed it off, must be the alcohol kicking in again.

It's amazing how well you think you know someone. You could know them for years and yet know nothing about them, or within minutes understand their entire life story.

"Where are we…"

"Think I'd forget all this time, Hermione? Think I'd let you get away with leaving her there that night!" My mind was terrified, but my body couldn't move, it was paralyzed and I had no control over its movements. I wanted to scream, to run, to fight, but whatever was slipped into the drink that night wouldn't let me. The once smiling friend became the savage monster so quickly that I didn't feel the first few blows, nor the sound of clothes being torn. He was too powerful, and I was too weak to stop him. And as he continued to enforce his power he reminded me of my punishment…over…and over…and over…until I didn't think there was anything else left for him to take.

"You're no better than a common whore, Granger. I wish it would have been you in the car that night."

I couldn't cry, I couldn't move, for hours I lay there motionless on the blood soaked comforter and waited for the drugs to wear off so I could crawl my way home. Sometime in the early morning hours I gathered enough courage to force myself up. Gathering new clothes from the guest room I changed as fast and my shaking fingers would allow me before winding my way through the piles of drunken half clothed bodies strewn around the room. And yet I still couldn't cry for the innocence I lost that day.

The cliffs were the most beautiful right before sunrise as the red-orange glow slowly crept towards the horizon. I stood there, staring bitterly to raging ocean, trying to build of enough power to cast some sort of revenge…but I hadn't the strength. Instead my bruised legs walked cautiously to the earths dangerous edge and prayed for the courage to jump to the icy depth below, but I hadn't even the courage to do that. So I instead I walked back to the empty house, grabbed the clear bottle from the liquor cabinet, the orange bottle of pills from the medicine cabinet, and prayed for an eternal sleep.

_The young girl was covered in blood and still staring at the boy in the moonlight below. This time both arms were extended, beckoning for the girl to follow, but she stubbornly looked away, her sad eyes moving back to the man in shadows. He was not alone this time, hundreds of shadows loomed in the distance, holding out their greedy hands…and the young girl, feeling so much pain, chose the empty darkness. And the young boy once again fell into the sea to drown._

The next two weeks passed in a whirlwind blur. The first few days no amount of alcohol could drown the screams, no pill could take away the pain.

"…common whore…" Is what he called me, and so that is what he made me. Men came and went, and I tried as hard as I could to hope that one of them would take away those memories of that first night. It became a need, another thirst I craved in life. In time it would just turn into another obsession…

Lust…not considered by many to be a deadly sin…but was still voted on by early Christians anyway. Most people strictly see the meaning of lust as the incessant greed and want for sex, it's opposite of course being love, something more than just the insatiable craving for that physical need. Lust can also mean for other things as well…you can lust after objects, people (without having sex with them), places, etc. It seems to go hand in hand with greed, because at times you can't control it, it controls you instead…sometimes it takes over your mind and body at once so that your only thought is to quench that thirst, the lust, and hope that it'll be enough to make it go away…

"How was your holiday, Hermione?" Ginny asked enthusiastically as I unpacked my trunk two weeks later. Images flashed into my mind…amber liquid, mind altering drugs, an untamable monster that clawed his way through innocence, and the flesh and sweat that came afterwards to make those memories go away.

"It was fine. Relaxing actually. Quiet. How was yours?" I asked politely back to my energetic friend. Secretly wishing she would hurry up so I could indulge in my secret escape yet again. It was hard to believe that only two weeks ago I had thought myself cured…funny how time changes so quickly.

"It was wonderful, everyone made it in this year. I don't know if you heard yet…but Ron sort of proposed to Lavender on Christmas…I wanted to tell you before you heard it around school."

"It's fine, really. I'll congratulate him later when I see him. Have they set a date?"

"Next Christmas, at the Burrow of course…seems traditional now with Bill and Fleur and all." Ginny replied with a sigh.

"How's your mom handling it?" I asked curiously, knowing Mrs. Weasley was probably as unhappy about the couple as she was with Bill and Fleur, at least at first.

"She's…adjusting… She thinks they should wait longer since they'll just be out of school barely a few months. Not to mention…"

"Not to mention what?

"She'd rather it be you…" Ginny replied sheepishly. I wanted to tell her that I wished that too…but I would be lying to myself. Before I would have said I didn't want to give up my dreams of furthering my education and ambition to travel and see the world. But now…now everything was different, I couldn't drag anyone else into the mess that my life has become; especially a family like the Weasley's who were the model picture perfect family with no worries…except of course the war. I couldn't ever admit such a dark secret…so I merely nodded in agreement as I finished putting everything else away.

It was ironic really, how Hogwarts had this inane sense of knowing that you wanted to do something wrong, so it made every effort possible to prevent that thing from happening. As Ginny continued to sit there and explain her holidays with the family and Harry, the boys in question proceeded to stop by to visit as well. Ron seemed too shy to talk until I reassured him that I was happy for him, truly. The air was stifling again as they all chatted about their happy lives, and the jealously began creeping back up in waves.

"I have to get something from the other room for a minute, I'll be right back." I explained excitedly; they smiled momentarily then went back to their lively discussion about some prank Fred and George pulled on the Christmas decorations. I closed the door quickly and leaned against it, dropping slowly to the floor as though all feeling left my body completely.

"If you were looking for solitude, Mudblood, I'm afraid you won't find it here." A voice sneered from across the room and his languidly lifted his silver blue eyes from the faded pages of his leather book.

"Which leads me to wonder, who are you hiding from anyway?" He asked quizzically; lifting one perfectly elegant eyebrow.

"None of your business." I snapped but without much conviction in my voice. I was too exhausted to care about these arguments anymore.

"Well your only friends consist of the Weasley clan and Potter of course, so I can only reason that it either one or all of them you are running from. Curious really, running from those precious few you still associate yourself with. Curious indeed, so what are you hiding now from them, Granger? Or maybe they've discovered your secret?" It was too much effort to get into an argument without the help of my external resources, it hurt to hear his words because of the truthfulness behind them. I was pushing the only people who still cared, who have hung with me through all the good and bad these past few years, and yet I couldn't take their judgment or condemnation if they knew what was really going on. I needed the release, now more than ever, I craved it, all of it…pills, liquor, touch…it didn't matter anymore…

"You wouldn't know anything about it, Malfoy…nothing. You live your sheltered life behind your mansion walls and expensive clothes not knowing what its like to have to struggle just to get up every day. To put on some second rate act because if people really knew, then you would no longer be as valuable to the cause. In the Muggle world they lock people up in institutions for being what I am." I tersely whispered to him so as not to alert the people still talking in my room.

"For someone so adamant against people judging her, you're quick to judge others, Mudblood. I'd suggest you do your homework about what it's like to grow up in wealth, bred to live a certain lifestyle, forbidden from anything that would shame the family name. To be surrounded by evil, pure evil, since the moment you took your first step; to be raised, to be expected, to be something that both sickens and thrills you. To be a puppet to your elders until you either succumb, or runaway; but of course if you run they'd find you…eventually…" He spoke so low and almost remorseful that I nearly forgot who I was talking to for a moment. There was little trace of anger in his voice, it was more…factual, as though he had no feeling or attitude towards the life he claims he doesn't want. It made him seem more humane, and yet at the same time, so robotic like, mechanical in his tone and response.

"Hermione…" A voice called from behind the closed door, and fearing for someone to open it and see the two of us in a somewhat civil discussion, I hurried back inside to join the others. Before closing the door I watched as Malfoy followed my every move till I could no longer hold his stare and shut the door behind me.

"Detention again Miss Granger, and I'll remind you that this is a NEWT level course which means no…helping…others." Professor Snape hissed as he caught me helping Ron cut his leaves for the powerful healing draught we were working on in class the next day. Ron's ears turned red and it looked as though he wanted to say something in defense, but I shook my head at him, it wasn't any use that both of us got in trouble.

"It makes me wonder," a voice whispered so quietly from behind that I almost didn't hear it, "if you are trying to receive all these detentions…maybe to spend a little extra time with the Professor…"

Very quietly, and ever so slowly I tucked my wand in my robes with the tip pointing backwards and whispered a quiet charm into the bubbling cauldron. Moments later I heard Draco snap back in his stool with small cry of pain, and I smiled in reply. A year ago Ginny and I decided to modify our own spell similar to the effects of the Muggle taser gun, just in case we needed to stop anyone from becoming too…close, as well as just for fun. The charm worked brilliantly, Malfoy was too embarrassed to tell the professor he was tasered by a girl, so all in all the day wasn't so bad…yet.

The rest of the day turned out to be more like a Muggle soap opera about high school teenagers. Everyone decided they needed to be my friend or share sympathies over the news of Ron and Lavender's engagement. People I never talked to before were even offering their condolences as though someone in my family passed away. But behind the sad whispers were those of snipping gossip and vicious rumors not only directed towards me but towards Ron and Lavender as well. Talk of betrayal (well that was already proven), pregnancies, hidden plots to throw the Dark Lord off course, and my favorite was my own personal scandalous love affair with another man. It was twisted how people, so desperate for news from the outside world, needed to make up their own entertainment to pass the time away. The walls were shrinking a little more each and every day as more students were being pulled out of school by their parents to protect them from the upcoming Hogwarts invasion that seemed to be looming over the school more and more each day. Dumbledore and Harry's plan, whatever it may be, better come into play fast otherwise we'd all be out of school soon where the danger was more intense and people scattered across different landscapes… Either the Dark Lord was preparing to divide and conquer the weak, or destroy everyone while they harbored in one location, cut off from the rest of society. Either was perfectly logical and a strong possibility.

"You must really enjoy these sessions, Miss Granger. I would think someone with your talents would rather be locked up in a room somewhere studying. Or possibly plotting another ill attempt at some heroic mission for Dumbledore I presume."

"Professor, I would think you would know more about any mission Dumbledore would be plotting these days, not me." I politely…almost too politely…replied. The professor sneered as he attempted to cut back a terse remark; an unusual behavior from the man who enjoys inflicting verbal torture on his students. A flash of memory flew past my mind, just for a fraction of a second I could see blue flames circling around a dark figure who raised their arms high in the air…and then it was gone.

His voice was closer again…only a few feet away and moving ever so slightly on the stone floor.

"The infamous Trio not together anymore? How interesting. Potter thinks he can take the Dark Lord on by himself does he…"

"I'm not sure what he tells Ron, professor." I knew it was the wrong thing to say the minute it escaped my mouth for his eyes lit up like stars against an obsidian sky.

"Not included anymore I see? Jealous of your intellect, or perhaps a bit old fashion…not a woman's job to help take on a powerful wizard. Maybe they're afraid of something deeper perhaps…you've a powerful mind, Miss Granger, one that has yet to be tested to its fullest."

"They're still my friends, professor…and Harry would inform us of anything if he could, if the Headmaster didn't make him swear to not say a word." I defended venomously as the footsteps kept coming closer.

"Maybe they just don't need you anymore." It wasn't so much of what he said, but how he said it. The words just seemed so convincing and true and no matter what my mind shouted, 'don't listen to him!' the rest of me couldn't help but believe him.

"What would you understand about friendship, sir." Any other time I would have had a hundred detentions for daring to talk to a professor in this manor, but Snape was no longer playing by the rules, so I neither would I.

"Being a Death Eater teaches you what to look for in false pretenses, knowing who to trust and when they begin to break that trust. I'm sure you've seen signs of this happening already. I mean…they don't even _trust_ you anymore to tell you what's going on with the mission. The Golden Trio…or rather, the Golden Duo I guess we can call it now…"

"Lies…it's all lies…I don't trust you, or anything you say." The anger was rising, more flashes of blue light started creeping back until the memory charm broke and the night before holiday break poured through me like a waterfall of emotions. Consciously I knew to stop, my body screamed for it, ached for it, and yet my mind couldn't stop to focus…even for a second…to calm down and think rationally about what would happen. The wild power was taking control again, striking out, hitting anything in distance. But this time the professor didn't smile or laugh…this time his face was pensive, distant, as though he was studying what was happening with disinterest. Seeing him analyzing that way made the fire calm down, made the uncontrollable, controllable again; and as my glazed eyes tried to focus back to the present, the looming figure of the Potions Master appeared right before my eyes. Leaning back against the table I threatened my mind to take control of this situation, but my body was too weak to move, and there I stood, a fear stricken child before a man nearly as dangerous as the Dark Lord himself. His hands were placed on either side of my arms, holding on to the tables edge, his eyes inches away from my own.

"Perhaps it is not Potter the Dark Lord should fear after all." And with the slightest hesitation he kept his glare long enough to hold his point, then turned and walked back to his office door.

"Dismissed." He shouted nonchalantly and slammed the door behind him.


	8. pride

A/N:

Chapter Seven

Pride

_"The sin of pride may be a small or a great thing in someone's life, and hurt vanity a passing pinprick, or a self-destroying or ever murderous obsession_."

Iris Murdoch

            There's an age old saying, 'Pride comes before the fall,' that is probably as old as time itself.  True pride only became recognized as one of the seven deadly sins later (in the context of time which is many thousand years), it has always been a hero's best friend, and a king's worst enemy.  It has many meanings, and is used in many ways, and yet no one can truly explain where to draw the line for it.  You grow up being taught to take pride in your work, stand proud so others can't see your fear, have pride for your heritage and country, etc. But then how does one know he has too much pride…where does standing proud and being arrogant draw the line.  Taking pride in the work you do can turn into being over competitive or a brown noser.  Having pride in one's heritage and country and throwing it in people's faces to use that as an excuse for arguments or discrimination. No one truly knows those answers. But here's an answer I searched for so long, the one answer above all others I wished to know the answer to concerning pride.  How bad does it hurt when you eventually fall?

            Coming back from Snape's detention I practically threw myself into the portrait to get inside and find some sort of release.

            'He erased my memory…'

            I didn't want to believe that Snape would ever resort to such a tactic, especially under the close and watchful eyes of Professor Dumbledore; and yet he did. The only part I feared was telling anyone about the events that occurred.  If I told on Snape, then others would find out about the power, more than just Dumbledore and McGonagall.  News would spread and if Snape hadn't already let it slip to Voldemort, then he would know then and no one would be safe anymore.  If I didn't tell I would be trusting Snape to keep my secret and then continue with his verbal sessions trying to see how the wild power reacted to my emotions. It was only a few more months…right?

            The months of addiction grew warier and supplies could not last as long as they once did.  Bottles needed replaced, pills refurbished and clothing tossed and thrown away once frayed from carnal acts of pleasure.  I tossed off the school robes that were suffocating with every breath and put on a green silk nightgown and robe instead.  Minutes passed, memories passed, images of cars and death, liquor and dancing, ecstasy and pain…this was the moment I hated the most…the realization of why you need such releases before the effects kicked in and all conscious thought slipped away.  There was Elizabeth's smile…and then an image of a black body bag being zippered up by an unknown policeman. Elijah's smiling face as he popped the pills that sent him over the edge, and my own eagerness that followed him into the dark corner that night.  Blood, death and pain was the only thing that occupied my mind…no happy memories of innocence and youth, it all had to be erased…

            The pills began working quickly, every muscle that was aching felt free and light.  It was as though I could dance on the clouds…one two three…one two three… The liquor came next, the bitter taste turning into sweet nectar as if fogging the mind eliminating all traces of lingering fear and memory.  Everything was perfect now…the air cooler, the moon brighter in the midnight sky…the breeze brushing lightly on your face.  But it the wonderfulness that came wouldn't last…and images began replaying of a blond haired boy and his final words…

            '…nothing but a common whore…'

            The faceless men that followed, used as nothing more than a means to forget…oh how I needed to forget…I needed someone to make me forget…it was almost as insatiable as the temporary sexual high itself…that feeling that takes over your body as you reach new heights…higher and higher…and the crumbling fall back down to Earth's bitter reality afterwards. It didn't matter…I still needed it…

            He was lounging in his favorite chair, a new novel resting in his hands, and the fireplace crackling beside him as he glanced up at my entrance.  He didn't say anything, merely raised a blonde eye brow in question and waited for some sort of explanation.  He wasn't going to get one.  As I stepped closer his eyes became more narrowed and alert placing his book quietly on his lap he watched every footstep I took towards him. Motionless…he didn't sneer, smile, snicker, or make anyway sounds of any kind…expressionless…nonjudgmental for that split second of time.

            "Rumor has it that the wealthy are notorious for their discreteness when it comes to affairs of any kind."

            "Some rumors are grounded in truth. But it would depend on the type of affair." He replied sounding slightly unsure of himself, an expression I didn't think he possessed since he always seemed so certain of his character all the time.  By now he was standing next to the chair he had previously sat in and was leaning casually against the top of the high back cushions.

            I've never understood the need for coy remarks or hidden innuendos when it came to the opposite sex.  Sure over the years I've used cleverness to find out information, but when it came to boys there was no need…being straightforward was usually enough to confuse them as it was, so why try to make things more difficult then they truly needed to be. I prayed that he saw passed the drunken inhibition and took the bait…since most guys, Muggles especially, were more inclined to not ask questions when someone offered themselves, and preferred the need for long winded questions and wonders of what tomorrow would bring to their 'relationship.' If guys could play the 'love 'em and leave 'em' card, why couldn't females?

            "I'm hoping we can keep this discrete enough between the two of us." I replied as I untied the robe and let it melt to the floor. Leaning in hungrily I took his lips as fast as I could before he could protest in reply.  'Please let this work…let me forget this time…'  Thoughts of feuds, enemies, and battles aside, I just needed in this moment to feel something…anything…and I hoped that he needed some kind of similar release.

            His lips were like an icy fire, numbing to the touch and as dangerous as a storm.  I grabbed his arms to steady myself against the sudden burst of passion that was as sobering as it was intoxicating.  But the feeling soon faded as he pulled away suddenly, forcing reality's bitterness back into the world.

            "What the hell is going on, Granger?" He asked as though I was playing some kind of prank of him. The room was spinning ever so slightly, reminding me of the heavy dose I had taken, and the little food consumed to hold it down with. He steadied me, so strong, yet so gentle like in his grip that made me want to forget who he was and melt into his arms as though we had done it many times before.

            "I can't…I need…" Each and every time I had done this before there was no need to explain myself, mostly because the men didn't care why I was offering myself, only that they had a good time and I wouldn't call the next day.  I had hoped that after tonight we could go back to being the bitter enemies we once were, what society predated for us: him the nobleman born into wealth, taught to hate Muggles and Muggleborns, and me, the Muggleborn, taught that those with wealth and power were dangerous, ambitious…deadly, especially to non-purebloods.  He kept me at arms length and I struggled to get out of his strong grip; for once not because of the fear of attack, but because I couldn't stand to show him what I couldn't hold back much longer.

            "Why can't you be like the others!" I shouted at him.

            "What others. I'm not letting go until you explain yourself."

            "Just let me go for a minute…I just need to go get something, please." I pleaded with tears threatening to fall from my eyes. He narrowed his stare as he figured out what I was talking about.

            "So you can go back and take some more stuff? Alcohol…drugs…what happened to you, Granger. You were the model student, the brains behind Potter's exploits, teacher's pet for God's sakes! And look at you…locking yourself in your room each night taking this…poison…and now throwing your body away like it means nothing to you..."

            "What do you know, Malfoy? You have it all, remember? You could buy happiness…pay to make your pain go away if you needed to. You could run from it all and start over…not have it trail behind you for the rest of your life. What do you know of witnessing death, taking whatever is necessary to dull the pain away. To have someone you love rip away your innocence and call you a whore! To be studied like some freak every time you lose control of your emotions because some unusual power shoots out of your skin…and it hurts! Every day it hurts! I can't go to class without thinking about it…I can't go to sleep without dreaming about it. I can't even tell my friends because I can't stand to see their faces if they knew what I've become. I just want…I just want to forget. Please…" I pleaded with him, desperate for anything to release the pain.

            "Please, just help me forget…this once…and we can never talk about it again."

            His mind looked like he had a thousand questions to ask, a hundred responses to yell in retribution.  His face was a battle of anger, pity, sympathy, and sorrow; something I had never seen in the icy statue of Draco Malfoy before. Here was my shattered pride, lying scattered on the floor for him to step on as he pleased.  He could walk away now and go to his friends and tell the story about Hermione Granger's drunken breakdown. Or…

            It seemed like an eternity before he made any form of movement aside from the gripping fingers around my arms. But within a moment his eyes changed, a sudden flash of silvery blue that held no judgment, no more pity, only an unusual peacefulness that wound itself into my body and soothed those aching muscles.

            He was a slow seducer, another thing I was neither expecting, nor used to. He didn't ask questions, didn't want to know about the others that had been here before him, he just accepted the situation, accepted my plea for help, without anymore hesitation.  His lips were softer now, smoother and he trailed every inch of my face and neck…then shoulders, arms… The fire was still burning bright when he lowered us down before its crackling flames.  The nightgown and robe lay forgotten as he took his time caressing my warm skin.  I tried to remove his own clothing but he merely held my hands behind me with a slight shake of his head, signaling that there was time enough for that… The slow pace was nerve wrecking, it seemed like an eternity had passed by the time he removed his own clothes and set them aside, not breaking stride on his slow trail of kisses that were beginning to lower drastically.

            His touch melted my skin, his kisses set me on fire, and he took little fulfillment for himself and gave the rest to me.  Time seemed to pass so slowly as if the night was extended just for the both of us.  I went to him that night for a means of escape…what I received had been so much more from a boy…no, man... He helped put those fears of blood and rage aside, he made me feel whole, special, wanted, craved, that even as the sun began rising through the heavy curtains, I still wished for time to stop.  He held me the whole night…never speaking…and as the effects wore down, as my mind sobered up, I wondered how such an uncaring individual could hold such hidden passion deep within.  But life had to continue, and it wasn't long before it was time to get ready for class.  Neither of us spoke, no one knew what exactly to say to the other. But as he opened the door to his private chamber I struggled to think of something…anything...to show my gratitude…

            "Thank you." Was all that made its way out; he hesitated for a moment, turned his silver-blue eyes at me and nodded in reply.

            "Something's going on…" I commented to Ginny as I sat down beside her for breakfast the next morning.  Glancing around the tables seemed a little more emptier than usual, the professors were talking quickly amongst each other; but there was one important person missing from the long table. Professor Snape's high backed chair was empty…

            "Harry's been on edge all morning, but he won't tell us what's wrong.  I sent an owl to mum to see if she knew anything.  The teachers have been like that all morning so far…they seem worried and they keep talking back and forth as if we don't even exist here." Ginny replied with a frustrated sigh. It was a relief to hear that I wasn't the only one left out of information from Harry, which meant that Ron wouldn't know anything more either.

            "I overheard McGonagall talking to Pomphrey this morning…I didn't catch too much of the conversation but it seems that the Dark Lord's been raiding and terrorizing more lately. They think he might be targeting our families so we go home, making Harry less defensive inside Hogwarts." Neville Longbottom explained in a whisper so no one else would overhear.

            "I don't like the sound of that…" Ginny replied worriedly.

            "I don't think I do either, Ginny. We should tell everyone to send a warning to their families to go into hiding. Especially the Muggleborns…and anyone close to Harry." For the first time in months I felt like myself again.  The order, control, planning that came with innate skill and protection for others, especially to protect Harry, he was the key to this after all.

            "What about the professors." Neville asked curiously.

            "By the time they get around to deciding if its safe to warn the students or not, peoples families could be endangered, or killed…we should organize back in the old DA room. Grab those first who are at a greater risk, ones that we know the Dark Lord would target. We'll worry about the rest later. Come on Ginny…"

            "Neville, that means your gran too. She'll be on his list for sure." Ginny stated as we began walking out of the Great Hall.  Most of the students were finished with their breakfast, others were still filing in to grab a quick bite before class.  As we made our way back to my rooms, Ginny took out her coin that seemed like so long ago since its last use to defend ourselves against another professor, the unforgettable Dolores Umbridge. 

            "I hope everyone gets the message, it's been a while since we've used these." Ginny exclaimed as she walked around the slightly untidy room.  Panicking, I made sure that nothing…discriminating was sticking out from my secret hiding space.

            "They'll get the message, one way or another. I just hope my parents will take my letter seriously.  They've been traveling more often, hopefully they'll go visit my mother's parents in America."

            "Hermione? Can I ask you something?"

            "Of course."

            "Is everything okay with you? I mean…well…lately you've been so distant and you lost a lot of weight since last year, you barely eat or sleep. I know I've been a terrible friend lately, trying to spend time with Harry so much…I didn't want to bother you cause I know you're always so independent, take care of yourself and all, and Harry's always so…wounded. But you haven't been yourself for ages it seems….is there anything you want to talk about?" She asked, sounding slightly unsure of herself, afraid her words would upset or bother me.

            "I'm fine, Ginny. I guess this year's just been a bit rough with my friend passing away, the Dark Lord gaining power, NEWTs, Ron, I guess I just having been taking good care of myself. But I'll be fine, especially now, we all need to stick together…because it sounds like He isn't waiting around much longer." I glanced through the crack in my door that let in the light from the common room.  Across the way a lone figure stood by the window, watching the Forbidden Forest intently, but I knew he was listening to the conversation.  An eagle owl flew through the open curtain and delivered what looked like an elegantly decorated letter.  He stared at the letter for a moment, taking a deep breath before opening to read its contents.  His face turned from general indifference, to twisting anger as he crumbled its pages swiftly; he turned his glaring eyes in my direction and they softened just a fraction to worry.

            "Ginny, help Neville gather up the rest of the group and we'll meet up in the Room of Requirement in one hour since classes have been cancelled. If I'm not there warn the others for me, I want to see if I can get Professor McGonagall to tell me anything more."

            "One hour, got it. Good luck, Hermione." She commented as she hurried out the door.

            "Thanks, I'll need it." 'I think.' I added as an afterthought.  Forgetting pretenses, I ran out to see what caused Draco to change moods so quickly.  I barely reached him before he began speaking.

            "You're in danger."

            "I heard they're targeting families closest to Harry and the Order." My heart was beating wildly as I thought, no of my parents, but my baby sister who was the most defenseless in this foray.

            "They didn't tell me much, just that they're spreading, they've already hit a couple people…if they haven't reached your house, they'll be there soon." He was the perfect ice statue, no emotion behind his words, not towards me, nor towards his father and the others who were conducting the raids for Voldemort. Part of me was glad, because if he had shown any emotion I would have fell apart completely, and right now my family needed me.

            "I have to get out of here, I have to protect them." The adrenaline was kicking in now, the need to run, and if I had to, run all the way back to the English coast.

            "I can help."

            "They'd kill you if they saw you with me."

            "Potter's not the only one with tricks. I'm an Animagus, no one knows about it.  It's how I escaped my parents house parties without being detected. There's a secret passageway in a room near the dungeons, I was once told to use it to find a way to sneak Death Eater's into the castle, but I told my father that the cabinet was too broken for repair. It'll lead you far away from Hogwart's walls and we can apperate from there, but I'll need the exact location for your house." As he was explaining the plan he went into his room to fetch his traveling cloak.

            "We'll…we'll need to change out of our uniforms…they'll attract too much attention." I hurried as I went into my own quarters to change as fast as possible.

            Its amazing what adrenaline could do to a person, how it made them more aware of their surroundings, abandon all reason and logic and work purely on instinct alone. It was what gave people their drive, I imagine its how Ron and Harry felt when they played Quidditch, your mind shuts down and your muscles take control.  Invisibility charms did not hold for very long, which meant that I had a very limited time to get from my rooms on the first floor to the dungeons and find the exact room location before anyone saw me.  Draco on the other hand would have a tougher time depending on what his animagus transformation was.  I received my answer moments later as a black falcon flew past my ear as the portrait hole opened to lead us into the passageway. 

            'Ginny!' I forgot I promised to meet her in an hour with fake news about McGonagall… She would come searching for me, and if we didn't arrive back before tonight they would send out a search party, fearing the worse…that Draco captured me and handed me over to the Death Eaters.

            The room was covered with old junk that seemed to have been collected since the time of Hogwarts Founders.  Books, jokes, ornaments, chairs, cabinets, weapons, even wands were scattered throughout the room, but the falcon was flying towards and old battered cabinet that radiated dark magic.  All fears aside I stepped inside and waited to see where it would take us.

            Moments later I found myself in Hogsmeade crawling out of another cabinet in what looked like some old rundown pub.  Checking to make sure everything was clear, we snuck through the back tavern door and crept our way throughout the near deserted street.  It seemed like everyone was in hiding, and it was quiet…too quiet…but there wasn't time to worry about that now, and so within seconds I held onto Draco's feathery presence and apparated us to my home along the coast. 

            The whole town was in shambles, Dark Mark's floating above every house within a mile radius it looked like.  Panic bubbled in my throat as I ran as fast as I could towards the cliffs.  They were here, they could still be here…watching…waiting…it was probably a trap but I didn't care, let them take me if it meant saving my sister, my parents.

            "No!" The sick bastards had arranged the lifeless bodies all kneeling along the cliffs as if in prayer.  There were dozens of them, strangers, neighbors, friends…family.  My parents were in the center, leaning against one another as if sleeping…but the blood….oh there was so much blood…surrounding them, and I knew their deaths were not quick.  Beside them lay a young man, blonde haired, blue eyed, familiar in ways that made me almost happy to see lying there…

            "Athena!" I screamed as I ran into what remained of the house.  Above me I could hear the flapping of wings and I knew Draco was trying to warn me not to go inside, but I had to check on her…had to see if she was still alive.

            She was sleeping in her crib, so eerily quiet for a young child, eyes shut, breathing normal, no marks or blood on her skin.  Did they know she was here? Or maybe they knew I'd come for her…too late.

            "Granger isn't it? Yes, I have heard many stories about you, mudblood.  Not so clever this time are you, no friends to back you up, or pesky Auror's to come save you. I wouldn't try to escape if I were you…there's barriers placed all around the house to prevent your escape.  The Dark Lord will be pleased to hear about your capture…" The dark aristocratic voice of Lucius Malfoy spoke, so elegantly, so deadly.

            "I also wouldn't move your wand right now.  One attempt at a spell and the girl dies." He stated as an afterthought, and I dropped my hands defeated to the ground.

            "I'll go quietly, Malfoy, if you promise to let me send her to her family or someplace safe." I bartered defiantly.

            "I have your wand, Miss Granger, why would I possibly submit to such foolish terms?" He laughed manically as he pointed his wand in my direction and prevented any further movement.  It felt as though I had been wrapped up like a mummy, my mind barely conscious, my arms and legs useless against his spell. 

            "She stays here.  I'm sure your Muggle loving Headmaster will send Auror's here soon enough.  Maybe they'll be more sympathetic to finding her a good home." He sneered in reply.  Though it wasn't much, it was actually an act of kindness on his part, since Auror's would detect the dark magic used here and search for survivors.  What they wouldn't know is how I was taken prisoner by Lucius Malfoy.  Draco remained perched high above the rafters and I was curious what he would do now.  Would he go back to Hogwarts, would he attempt to get help, or would he go with his father follow us back to his mansion.

            Malfoy mansion was magically hidden in what seemed like the north England countryside, far from Muggles and even other Wizards, a perfect hide out for the Dark Lord's followers because they could detect anyone within miles coming towards the mansion walls.  It was shaped like something out of the medieval time period, gothic, yet elegant in a traditionalist point of view. It was not as grand as some of the castles in Scotland, or even other parts of England for that matter, but it was an imposing and intimidating in its own right.  As we arrived inside there was a great hall near the main entrance were it seemed a gathering of Death Eaters were already waiting for our arrival.

            "Can I play with her first?" Bellatrix Lestrange asked with a sickening smile as she tapped her long black fingernails against her wand menacingly.

            "Not now, Bella.  We need some information from her first, something to give the Dark Lord before he arrives back to the country." Lucius announced eagerly.

            "Did you send for Draco?" Narcissa asked her husband worriedly.

            "It's all according to plan, Narcissa.  Everything is set and ready for the attack, the rest of the Slytherins should be leaving within a day or two, then we strike." Bellatrix happily stated to her distraught sister.  I knew there would be little hope for me here, but if I needed to, the weakest link would be through Draco's mother, who seemed to not be at all worried about dark plans, but rather on the welfare of her only child.

            "_Crucio__!_"

            The pain was intense, so intense, and as hard as I tried to numb my mind from the feeling I think long enough to focus on anything except the need for relief.

            "Now, you're going to tell me what Dumbledore and Potter are planning for the Dark Lord and for every minute of hesitation or defiance, and my sister-in-law here, will do as she pleases.  So I ask you again, Mudblood, what…is...Dumbledore…planning." He hissed though hi teeth as he gripped my arms so tightly I knew there'd be bruises there the next morning.

            "I…don't…know. They haven't told anyone anything." I pleaded as the pain became almost too unbearable to stand.  No amount of preparation can take the edge off of being given the 'Cruciatus curse'.  The pain was quick, intense, and left a lingering feeling of having had spikes driven through your body at all points…  It seemed like hours had passed and just when I felt I couldn't bare anymore, another round would follow, and part of me wished for the sweet insanity that Neville's parents had turned into…anything to forget…

            "I grow tired of these games, Mudblood. This would all be over quickly if you just gave us any information at all. Think about it…there's bound to be something you've heard…best friends with Harry Potter, favored by all the teachers at school…and as soon as you tell us what we need to know…you can go back home to your poor, defenseless, baby sister and pretend that this was all…just a bad dream." His eyes were darker than Draco's, and carried a power so deep and evil that I imagined it probably rivaled Voldemort's when he was younger.  Draco, though resembling his father immensely, definitely took more after his mother in nature, and for that I was grateful…and if my calculations were right, if I survived through this, I may be able to get her on my side.

            The power came as instantaneous as it always did, but this time there was no precursor, there was no arguments, no violent fits of sadness or rage, just pure exhaustion from the bitter pain of torture, as though my body's own defenses sensing danger, began to take over.


	9. before the fall

Chapter Eight

Comes Before The Fall

It is said that the human mind is what separates us from all other living creatures... Not in terms of mammals versus reptiles and so on, but the prospect of the educated mind used for higher learning purposes. So what happens when the mind is completely shut off from the body? When thousands of years of education and training are thrown out the window in lieu of primal animal instincts, that desperate need for survival Under those circumstances the individual loses his or her humanity and resorts to lifes most basic primal need and one cannot guess what another is capable of in that kind of environment where once a calm and peaceful individual is transformed into a savage beast of sorts. How fragile the line between human and animal lies, with that thin barrier where even the slightest of circumstances can send someone flying far over the edge of right and wrong, of good and evil, into its most basic levelsurvival.

The pain was so intense, and yet I had felt it time and time before that in truth it was like liquid fire rushing through my shallow veins and I could feel the life it brought inside of me. It was uncontrollable, savage, wild, uninhibited and I could feel my mind shutting down to its defenses. Pain and pleasure in one, I began to crave the warmth it brought, it hurt...oh god did it hurtbut it just felt too good to let go.

FILTH! Just tell us what we want to know and you could end this pain! Lucius shouted animately in my direction. I spat the pool of blood that was forming in my mouth and felt my body separating itself from me. The first sign that the power was about to take control, and with no strength to hold it back I would have no choice but to succumb and hope that with whatever fire I had left it would kill the people of this room.

Somethings happening! Bellatrixs voice shouted aloud as I heard her move closer to her sister, so unlike each other in coloring.

She wont know anything, father. A lazy voice announced as he walked into the room. Though my head was throbbing, and though every muscle in my body felt separated from itself, my heart gave a leap in automatic response. Could I truly be saved? Was it too much to hope for after all the pain to have someone come to my rescue. Maybe he didnt leave me to the hands of fate as I thought back at my house.

A woman joyful cry broke the awkward silence of the room as I watched Narcissa Malfoy run towards her beloved son with such joy.

Pausing ever so slightly from his next attack, Lucius lowered his wand at his sudden sons appearance and former statement.

What do you mean, son? He asked his offspring quizzically. Bellatrix, excited at the prospect of more torture, lowered her wand as well and stared wildly at her nephew.

What I mean is, when has Dumbledore ever trusted anyone except himself and maybe Potter at what hes planning. Even his precious Order are never fully informed as to his whereabouts and secrets, which can be said is the blame for so many of those fools dying for a cause they know not of. Ive been watching this mudblood carefully all year, as well as Weasley, obviously whatever Dumbledore and Potter are up to he has not entrusted his precious sidekicks to be informed of it. Father. He bowed his head slightly in submission to his father to show his support and the truthfulness of his words.

And I have your word that this is the truth? Lucius asked with mild concern.

As youre aware I have been forced to share living arrangements with this filth all year. I have kept tabs of people coming and going from her room at all times. Potter and his friend have hardly vistited at all, anyone at the school can confirm this as well. Whatever he has been up to all year, this girl would be the last to be informed of it, I swear to you. He stated so directly and with his typical expressionless tone. I tried not to react to the shock of him being so astute to what has been going on in my life. I know he was aware of most of my secrets, but we never talked about it, and he never seemed to be around often enough to observe my friends lack of attention this year. Unless he placed a charm on my rooms to spy on my every movement

Explain then what just went on here a moment ago! Why did it look like fire coming out of her skin. Shes a Mudblood! What power could she possibly have that we Purebloods whose magic flows pure in our veins, do not possess. Bellatrix cried evilly from her position on the other side of the room. I was fearful of this, fearful that they would pick up on the wild power flowing over my skin seconds before Dracos distraction.

Merely a defense mechanism, Im sure. A soft yet haughty voice came from a few feet to my left. I dared not move to show the shock on my face. Narcissa was actually protecting me, albeit against her will maybe, without truly knowing why or how, but I may escape this without my secret being known.

Yes, that could be true. Children often show signs of uncontrollable magic during times of distress, this could be no different. No need to warn the Dark Lord before we understand it for ourselves, Bella. We shall notify him by owl that we have captured Potters friend for bait, but that she knows no more of Dumbledores plan than the rest of us. Besides, in a few days time Hogwarts will be overrun, Dumbledore dead, and we can begin life in our new and purer society. Lucius finished.

What of the trash? Bellatrix spat at my still motionless body on the floor.

Place her in the basement with the others and well worry about what to do with her later. Son, she can be your prize, since she thinks she is smarter than you and the other Slytherins all these years. Show her the hospitality we give her kind. Lucius sneered as he walked away with his wife in tow. Bellatrix, upset that her tortured prize would be taken away earlier than she had hoped, followed the others out of the room.

Say nothing until I get you to your room. I nodded slightly in reply.

The dungeons were not unlike those of Hogwarts, which led me to believe that the Malfoy mansion was indeed very old and rich in its own history as that of our beloved school. Had our circumstances been different, and our pretenses here at his parents house different, I would have been thrilled and enthralled to know everything about the history of the house and the people that have lived here for centuries past. The cells were split up, some holding a group of people, some just one or two per cell. My tired eyes tried to observed any recognizable faces among the dark shadows, but before I could see their tired emaciated faces, Draco was leading me into a single cell off to the right. There was one lone mattress on the ground and a small sink and toilet that looked not unlike something one would imagine a prison to have. I tried to keep the tears from falling, unsure about my future and that of the ones left back at Hogwarts. I tried not to cry for my baby sister now parentless and alone in a ruined house by the cliffs. Would someone find her in time? With my own life looking bleak for the future, a part of me almost wished that they would have killed her too, just so she wouldnt die slowly from abandonment and starvation.

Shes safe. Its why I took so long to get here. He said so stoically after placing a silencing charm on the door so that the people outside could not hear. To the others it would only look like Draco came in to torture or find fulfillment and nothing else.

Thank you. I whispered as I tried to get my shaky legs to walk to the mattress. I wanted to ask him what was to become of me now? Would I be bait to occasionally string up and torture for information that I did not possess? Would I be a slave to those soulless creatures that roamed the hallways for meetings in their silver cloaks and masked faces? Would they leave alone to rot in this prison until time came to string me out in the open for the Order to come rescue?

I cant release you; at least not anytime in the near future. Theyre going to question you, humiliate you, degrade you down to the status of a slave before abandoning you down to the cellar when something more valuable comes into their grasps. Only then will I be able to safely get you away from this hell. Had he shown any emotion, I would have broken down and cried till my lungs were raw and my tear ducts devoid of all moisture. But ever the cool unemotional one, he kept his distance and voice detached enough that forced me to call on whatever Gryffindor courage I possessed to nod in reply and lay down on the bloodied mattress.

Im sorry I couldnt save you Hermione. He whispered as he turned around and walked out of the cells heavy wooden door.

_The little girl, older still, almost a young woman, sat alone to cry over the edge of her cliffs. In her hands she held two roses and a lily. She tosses the roses over the cliff and sings a song of mourning for those she has lost. In her hand she keeps the lily, then tucks the blossom carefully behind her ear so no harm comes to it. She looks over the cliffs to the pale boy waiting below, so handsome and so sad. But suddenly she realizes, even without looking at the shadow, that this is her path. And so she closes her eyes and follows the drums into the shadows beyond. The little boy, saddened, but strong, no longer falls into the icy water below but follows the girl into the flamesand all was lost._

Its amazing how in the times of our greatest sorrow, our greatest sadness, those weve loved and lost get thrown to the back of our minds as one detaches their mind from their body. Its as though the sad parts have never happened, as if we cut off all our nerve endings and drowned into a pool of oblivion. Minutes, hours, days pass by in a blur as you forget where you are and who you were. Wasnt I smart once? You think quietly to yourself Wasnt I once a happy girl with loving parents and a bright future? Didnt I once have friends that did anything possible to ensure my health and happiness? Werent friends enemies? And enemies friends? Where did it all go and when did it all come to an end? How had I led my life down this road? Why didnt I trust the comfort of my friends to get me through the bad times? Why did I drive the only guy who ever saw past the brains and bushy hair away? When did I become the thing I hated the most? Life was always going to have the good and bad times, but somehow I made the bad parts overwhelm me to a point beyond control, beyond recognition, and left the protection of those most capable and flung myself into the hands of fate and disaster.

He visited me every day, or rather every day he could get away with it, and each day I fell further into the comfort of my own twisted and disturbed mind. He brought food that no longer gave me comfort, fed me water that could never fully nourish, and kept me clothed but I still shivered at his icy touch. Sometimes they would drag me upstairs to feed and to servesometimes twisted hands found themselves touching inappropriate parts. But I could no longer feel it, isnt this what I was longing for so long ago? To separate mind and body and to do anything to squash the pain.

Im going to give you this bracelet, its made of quartz and looks like the one you wore when you first came in so no one will notice. Itll let me know if youre in danger and can communicate with me when you need to. Understand? His quiet voiced asked, and I longed to hear some kind of emotion behind the words. I nodded in automatic response and let him slip the beads over my thin wrists.

Theres a party tonight, theres no way youll be able to get out of it. Theyre having all the Muggleborn women dressed up for entertainment. Father knows I am possessive and wont let another man touch whats mine, but just incase keep the bracelet on. Someone will be down shortly to prepare you for the festivities, he spat the last word as though it was bile forming in his throat. I could never tell him, but the only amount of humanity I kept alive was the short few minutes he visited each day. It was almost like I could feel again.

I dont feel well I whispered to him. I barely said much, but I had to say something to break the silence. He looked concerned for a moment before asking if anything else was unusual?

Im tired, and sick, and you promised youd get me out of here soon! I shouted at him, glad that he cast the silencing charms around the room so no observers could hear us.

Im doing the best I can, Granger. I give away my position as well then were both in real danger. Ill see what potions I can get a hold of for your cold. He sneered, and with it bringing back the days of the old Draco.

Im sorry. I bowed my head submissively knowing that he would be in danger as well if he gave away his position with me. He nodded ever so slightly and for a second I thought he was going to turn around and kiss me, but he moved gracefully to the door.

The door opened about fifteen minutes later and a girl not much older than myself walked into the room.

Angelina? I asked as I recognized her dark skin and braided hair. She was a Gryffindor two years my senior and a former member of the Quidditch team. Something didnt look right about her, her frame was much thinner and though she was beautifully albeit barely dressed, her eyes seemed glossy and unrecognizable.

I thought you were a half-blood? I asked her quietly, uncertain if anyone was outside listening. It was only then I realize she must have had some curse placed on her because she had shown no recognition towards me whatsoever. It also appeared that she may have been drugged with something as well for she moved not quite steady and gracefully as she used to.

I will be helping you get ready. We are needed upstairs shortly once the guests begin arriving. Her once stern but now passive voice spoke quietly. She laid out a gown much like hers, dark blue and beaded with the most magnificent jewels. The silk material barely covered any skin, which I assumed was the effect that the Death Eaters were going for. So, it seemed as if we would be presented to them as some sort of harem, a collection of dressed up dolls ready for the taking to the first bidder. Angelina gave me a goblet of steaming red liquid, and knowing that by refusing I would be tortured, I drank the foul liquid and waited for its numbing effects.

I still kept my mind about me, though it felt as though it was detached from my body and watching as a spectator at a sporting events game. People dressed in costumes, some foul some fair, but it was easy to spot the slaves of the party, for we all looked alike in outfit, and not wearing masks. We served food and drinks, let eyes wander upon our bodies as they filled their stomachs with food and alcohol. Greedy hands grabbed, groped, and frisked away at the silk of our bodies as one by one each slave slowly disappeared behind a curtain or a room for further discovery. I felt the quartz crystal heat up against my wrists as someones meaty hands tried to sliver up the fabric barely covering my legs.

Dance! the voiced screamed aloud and I could feel the tonic working, or maybe it was the Imperius Curse? The effects were essentially the same and I began to move to a sound of distant drumming.

Faster! The voice continued to cry, and I could almost make out his horrid voice from the crowd of party goers. My stomach lurched, my mind was numb, and my body cried for rest, but I continued to move to the beat of the sound, unaware of those around me watching excitedly.

Lucius, I want her for myself! By now I could make out McNairs foul voice from the crowd.

NO! She is mine! I heard a sneer and then the sound of Lucius apologizing for his sons rudeness, but also admitting that I was solely Dracos until time he disposed of me.

Damnit! I heard his shout as he closed the door to a room. As the effects of the drug began to wear off I took in the subtle taste of silver in the dcor of his bedroom. The bed itself was four poster and covered in a thick silver blanket. The furniture was a rich mahogany wood and scare, it was a room that looked barely lived in and simply, but elegantly furnished.

Damnit Granger, its all your fault! I was taken aback by the austerity of his tone and turned to face him, anger building in my own veins.

MY fault! I didnt ask you to save me! You could have let him take me! I shouted back to him, hoping he had silencing charms placed on the walls of his room.

Do you think youd fair better with McNair! Hed tear you up and leave the pieces to rot in the basement! Do you think I want to picture his hands on you at all!

I know what will become of me, I heard them talk about me. Ill either be bait for Harry or tossed around like a whore until someone gets bored and puts me out of my misery! I cried back.

Damn you for coming to me in the first place! He paced uneasily around the room as I watch his mind wage an unwilling battle inside. I didnt want to believe what I was hearing, that after all the time, after all the torture, after all the lost hope, drugs, alcohol, loneliness

Im sorry, I never should have asked that of you. I replied.

Youre not sorry, and neither am I. He gave up dejectedly and sat down on the bed in exhaustion. I walked over, uncertain of myself and sat down beside him.

I keep going over each and every plan in my mind to get you out of here and theres no way I can do it without giving away myself too. Theres no place to go from here. The school has been taken over, along with the Ministry.

Is that why they were celebrating tonight? I asked cautiously.

They killed Dumbledore. He stated showing no remorse or emotion. I tried not to cry, tried not to think of the other lives that could possibly be lost in the time Ive been locked inside my prison.

Your friends are safe. He confirmed almost instantly as if reading my thoughts.

Do you know I began to ask but he cut me off.

No. The Weasleys went into hiding a month ago, no one has heard or seen Potter since the night you were taken. I imagine that whatever him and Dumbledore were planning he is out carrying out the deed otherwise wed have him here waiting for the Dark Lord. I let out a sigh of relief and for the first time I saw the sadness in Dracos eyes. He claimed that his life was no better than mine a long time ago, but how much has it cost him as well? His friends and family were safe, but what about his consciousness? Had he lost his innocence in the world at such a young age as I too?

Yes. You forget about the bracelets. He stated as he reached in his pocket and showed his own quartz crystal.

There were times when I was younger and my parents hosted their gatherings that people, so intoxicated, could not tell the difference between one person or the other, even if it was a little boy. Then, when I was old enough I was taught to participate in the foul acts with no escape. Sometimes I dream about them, waiting for me to join them in the say welcome brother, and then fade from memory. I used to be like you, drink, smoke, find ways to numb the pain and silently rebel. But in the end it made no difference and I went back to my life, grazing along as a shadow of what I used to be. But then you came along, a fire to cool the ice, and it secretly gave me pleasure to see that fire ignited, to make you so angry, it was the highlight of my day and let me become human for at least a few moments before fading back into the shadows. Who could have imagined that my sworn enemy became my only source of redemption in the world. He snickered at his own little joke and part of me melted for that lost little boy that would never get to grow up to see the world with innocent eyes. I did what only came naturally then, and kissed him, with all the sadness, with all the passion that I could muster, and felt himself melt slowly at my touch. I let go of inhibitions, let go of the past and all its hardships and insecurities, I gave him the only thing I knew how, myself, and hoped that it would be enough to cure the pain, as he had cured mine.

Just like before I once again felt his touch and caress, so soft and so unlike the harsh young man I once loathed so passionately. I felt him remove the silk clothes and kiss every inch of perfumed skin that his mouth touched. I knew that it was only a matter of time before I died or was taken into hiding, and for once I wanted to fight for a new life, for once I didnt want to give in to what was easy but to fight to have a new life, with someone who could truly understand me. I wanted to find my friend and help him defeat the monster who had destroyed part of my life and the lives of others. He fell asleep before me, but I couldnt sleep just yet. I stroked the soft pale hair rhythmically and listened to the sound of his even breaths. My stomach still queasy, and my head throbbing from the after effects, and my body fatigued, I thought about a new future, a better future, and fell asleep secretly hoping that whatever that future was, Draco was in it.

_The young woman with the lily in her hair grasped a bundle of blankets against her chest and stared off to the man below. Beside her shadowy arms tried to grab the blankets but the young woman held on tight, as if it were gold. Names were shouted at her, magic was thrown at her, but all she could do was smile. And she jumped from her cliffs towards the young man, and they both drifted out to the sea to die._


	10. The Seven Sins

**AN: It has taken a long time but I've finally completed this story. I spent the last day on it, determined to not let it go unfinished forever. I'm just going to upload it all at once for you guys. I haven't reread it so any errors I'll apologize for now. Still need to complete my other story too, hopefully I'm as motivated to finish that one as I was for this one. Hope you like it. And as usual I'm a broke college student who owns nothing, that honor belongs to Rowling. I changed some things (obviously but kept some of it the same, depends.).**

**Chapter Nine**

_The Seven Sins_

_It is impossible for a man to be freed from the habit of sin before he hates it, just as it is impossible to receive forgiveness before confessing his trespasses... –Ignatius_

When I first became friends with 'The Boy Who Lived', I started having visions, dreams about dying in battle protecting my friends and saving the world from a horrible evil. As my addictions grew, as my sins became overbearing, those visions changed to my own death coming at the end of a bottle falling off the cliffs of my once prized family home. Had I not been in Gryffindor, had I not possessed the strength and determination to live and sacrifice at whatever cost, had I been a lesser person, I would have let the pain of this prison consume me whole. But I knew now I had something to live for, something to fight for, and it gave me the chance to wake up to my prison cell every morning and face those that thought were superior to me. I had a sister out there, in hiding, who had no family left except myself. And I had a boy, a boy who was sacrificing his potential place in this new society, one where he could rise up some day to be second in command, to protect me and mine and keep us safe. I wasn't sure where my sister was, but I knew Draco had found her a temporary home that would look after her and keep her hidden. I kept my ears open for any signs about the Weasley's or Harry but for days had heard nothing good nor bad and that kept me sane. Every day I was visited by my captor's son who under the pretense was using me as a sex slave, was truly keeping me alive and whole with food and provisions. But it was only a matter of time before I would be forced to stand before _him._ I knew he would be arriving today, I knew not because of the face of the boy that I was coming to care for, but because of treatment I was given by the rest of the household. I was to have a bath, clean clothes, and all scars hidden or removed if possible so that I would not insult my new overlord. It wouldn't have mattered anyway, I would still be referred to as Mudblood trash, and I would rather stand before the Dark Lord looking the part than under the false pretense of having fair treatment in this prison hell.

"Bring the girl before me." I heard the faint hiss of a well recognized voice call from the top floor. It has been two hours since Draco had dropped off my supplies and made sure I was 'ready' to see this new prince of state. I wondered who he would send to fetch me to him like a common dog.

I didn't have to wait long, it was mere seconds when I recognized the ratlike face of Peter Pettigrew. I hadn't seen the man since he ran away back in 3rd year after discovering Sirius's innocence and Peter's deception in the death of Harry's parents. The short stout man made my skin crawl and my stomach twist in disgust.

"The Dark Lord will see you now. I hope you will behave yourself, wouldn't want anything to…happen…to you." He smirked with a sadistic grin. I forced myself to take deep breaths, calming my magic down before I exposed my secret.

"Miss Granger is it?" I didn't want to look at his face, the face of a man more terrifying than Hitler or Stalin combined. I would have rather faced the wrath of Nero than stand before the snakelike creature that spoke with a hissing tongue. It took every ounce of Gryffindor courage I possessed to look him in the eyes and not cower.

"Yes." I replied albeit faintly. I tried to picture the man he once was, before hatred and power corrupted his features. I was told he was handsome, a charmer to anyone who engaged in conversation. He was told to have had the features of his hated Muggle father, but with the ruthlessness of his mother's side. He was a dangerous man from the moment of conception and it wasn't any wonder the boy turned out the way he had.

"Courageous. Never particularly liked that Gryffinor quality much. You proud lions think that standing up for yourselves and loved ones makes you better than those around you. But you do remind me of someone…Someone I once met long ago. I never forget a face you know." He sounded almost chipper, like a telemarketer trying to get you to buy a product you have no use for.

"She has a gift, wild magic, my lord. We saw her use it when we first brought her here!" The vivacious voice of Bellatrix exclaimed and from the looks of it Lucius was not too happy to have had his cover-up blown. He obviously wasn't certain what he saw was true and didn't want his overlord to know.

"A Mudblood? With special powers? Nonsense Bella, there's no possible way that this mere girl could possess any extraordinary gifts being born as she was to two Muggle nobodies." He almost sounded amused as he chastised his favorite follower.

"Is it true Master Malfoy. For I have it on good authority that you have spent the better part of this past year in her company." The Dark Lord asked the young man leaning against the doorway. Anyone close to him could see his muscles shaking ever so slightly, but his face never betrayed an air of indifference.

"I've never seen her do anything special unless you could memorizing text books, sir." Draco retorted back nonchalantly.

"See Bella, she is a mere girl, and a Mudblood at that. Her only talent comes from memorizing spells too complex for her own purposes. Tell me Miss Granger, who are your parents?" It was as though he was having a conversation with her over tea, there was no torture, no screaming, no anger of any kind. So far he hadn't even mentioned Harry or Dumbledore's plans.

"Jean Hawthorne and John Granger." I replied since it didn't make a difference whether I told them their names after he had them murdered weeks ago.

"Legilimens!" I heard the snakelike man shout and I knew he was invading my mind to see if I was hiding anything. Though I had not personally studied Occulmency; I knew enough about mind invasion to alter and hide the memories of Draco, showing only my parents, our house, some images of school and innocent ones of Ron and Harry. He didn't stay long, rather shifting through the layers quickly just to glance and move on.

"Your mother rather reminds me of someone. Lucius, before killing Potter's parents, do you remember the raid on the Muggle University?"

"Vaguely my lord, the all girls school?" The blonde mentioned with an grin plastered largely on his face.

"Do you remember if we let anyone, live, perhaps?" How could the man not remember whether he killed an entire all girls university or not?

"I believe a few escaped. From what I gathered the Healers altered their memories so they wouldn't remember the…incident." He finished with a slight laugh. Voldemort's smile grew wide too and a deep feeling of dread began to pit in my stomach. I knew my mother went to an all girl's university, though she didn't talk about the school much. She met my dad soon after transferring and had me rather unexpectedly. I always assumed it was another reason why she resented me, although she still managed to finish school and help my father open their practice. I didn't like where this conversation was heading and yet a piece of me knew, somehow, what conclusion they were all coming too. A raid on a girl's university meant they celebrated particular 'conquests'. Most of the girls didn't survive, but those that did could have ended up with a permanent reminder and a lapse of memory on how it happened.

"Severus." He called to the dark haired man standing beside him. I hadn't seen Snape since our last detention where I realized he had altered my memories to keep me from knowing that he angered me to the point of releasing my power. I had heard through the other prisoner's that it was Snape's own wand that killed Dumbledore and sent his body flying over the Astronomy Tower that night. I knew where his loyalties lied now. I knew he would tell his overlord about my abilities.

"I want you to run a test. I want the DNA of from my followers that accompanied that night to match against this girl. If these…abilities…Bellatrix claims she possesses are real, then she may not be a Mudblood after all." His snakelike features grinned and suddenly I felt like I reverted to my five year old self watching "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and terrified to find out if the man's evil was real, or if there was a chance at redemption.

"Son, I believe you have been keeping our guest…occupied. Take her to one of the spare rooms upstairs. But make sure the wards stay on tight against any possible escape. Our little Gryffindor princess could potentially be one of our Slytherin heirs after all." Lucius smirked and I wondered how eagerly he had participated in the raid that night. Knowing what I knew of Draco's birthday, it would have been around the time Lucius's wife had just realized she was carrying his heir.

All sense of courage fell the moment the door to the upstairs 'guest' room closed. I couldn't stop the shaking. It wasn't just from alcohol and drug withdrawal, nor was it solely from lack of food and poor cleansing habits as of late. It wasn't even just due to the knowledge that my sister was out there alone without a mother or father. Any one of them could have been my father. A raid of that size would have had all Voldemort's closest followers in attendance: Lucius, McNair, Snape, Pettigrew, etc. I ran to the makeshift bathroom and proceeded to vomit up the pathetic breakfast I was served hours ago. How had my life come to this? I should be grateful I'm alive at all, but to live knowing that the real reason my own parents secretly hated me was because they didn't know who my father was. They wiped my mother's memory so all that was left was a sense of dread and a permanent reminder that something awful happened to her at her school and I was byproduct. It had nothing to do with magic, not specifically anyway. It wouldn't have made a difference if I had been a witch or a squib, she'd have still hated me, resented me. And if I'm Lucius's…

"I can't…I can't breathe. It hurts. How…" I knew I wasn't making much sense, and I knew he was patiently sitting behind me waiting for my sick spells to pass over.

"It's sick. It's just…sick. You and I could…no…I won't think about it." I continued in between sobs. Once again I was grateful for the silent wards Draco placed on the room.

"I don't believe for a second that we're related. You do have a gift, Hermione. You have a power that I could only ever hope to one day possess. Your mother was a muggle, which means the strength of your power comes from your father, and mine is nothing significant. He specializes in business, in torture, and in pain, but he is no extraordinary wizard. In fact if I had to render a guess, I would say it would probably be Snape or Voldemort himself." He was right, Lucius Malfoy was not a talented or gifted wizard. Just a bully with a bank account. But the options he left me with were not much more pleasing.

"He's not evil you know, my godfather." He was talking about Snape.

"He killed Dumbledore." I shouted at him, watching him flinch momentarily in pain.

"He'd have had a reason. I know the man. He's been a mentor to me all his life. He's hard, and selfish, and most of the time honest to the point of hurtful, but he's a good man underneath. I don't know a lot about his past, he keeps mostly to himself, but if he killed Dumbledore it would be for a good reason."

I knew I should trust what he was saying, but part of me, the damaged part, knew that I could never fully trust another human being again after everything I had been through. Part of me missed the days when my biggest fear was overdosing or having my friends or professors find out my deadly secrets, my sins. This was the beginning of all our biggest fears. I had been so completely out of touch with Harry and the rest of the Order that I wasn't sure if Dumbledore had given him enough information to eliminate Voldemort once and for all. I wasn't even sure if everyone was still alive and what they were planning. I had been here for weeks picking up scraps of information during my enslavement and listening to the new captures talk in the cells around me. Now I wouldn't even be given that small comfort, I would be placed up here and possibly raised to a whole new level if they found out I was the offspring of some important Death Eater. I didn't want their lies, their promises of a better world, a brighter world, where blood status meant more than a persons' self worth.

"_Nothing contributes so much to tranquillize the mind as a steady purpose."_ The voice of my lover quoted.

"Mary Shelley? You read Frankenstein?" I pondered. Lately this man seemed full of surprises.

He shrugged for a moment.

"It seemed appropriate at the moment." He retorted in his nonchalant voice.

"Meaning?"

"Listen, here's the awful truth. You're stuck here because there's no safe way to get you to escape without something horrible occurring. Fact: you may be the offspring of a very powerful wizard and that's something you're going to have to accept whether you want to acknowledge it or not. Another fact: you are not alone in this, and between both of our intellectual minds we should be able to come up with some sort of plan. Your Gryffindor demeanor may want you to stand up and fight them, but that will only guarantee a quick end, no matter your parentage. You have proven in the past that you're capable of some Slytherin qualities," I shook my head vehemently .

"Don't deny it. I've heard some of the things you pulled for your friends in the past. I'm also not suggesting that it's such a bad thing. Listen the only way you can survive this is to play up the person they want you to be. Once we know who fathered you let yourself be wooed to the other side. But make it believable because they know how you were raised and they know your friends, even if you haven't been close to them lately. Become a spy for your friends and you just might make it through this." He grabbed my face and forced my eyes to bear down into his. I knew what he was saying was logical, I knew I could be a valuable asset to my friends by infiltrating the inside, especially since Snape's loyalties were uncertain. God, I never wanted any of this. Years before I just thought I could help by studying spells from books and teaching Harry what I learned. I was not a fighter, in fact as of late I was more the coward than anything else. I brought shame to my house by choosing to ignore those around me and escaping into my little world of false securities.

"What if I don't want to make it through this…" I looked away, I didn't want my shame to read on my face.

"Suck it up Granger, life isn't easy. Don't think that you are the only one who's had a tough life. Look at your best friend, he's had every bad thing happen to him and somehow he wakes up every morning with a hope for a better future. You haven't had it easy, none of us have. We all have our dirty little secrets, we all have some kind of self destruct button that's constantly ready to be pushed at a moment's notice but you don't see them giving up like you. What happened to you, I wouldn't wish on any friend or enemy but you can either learn from it or let it consume you. In fact, here," He walked over to the small dresser in the room where his wand was laying and conjured up a small vial of liquid.

"Here you go if you're ready to give up so bad." I knew from the tone of his voice that it must be some kind of poison. He must have had his own emergency exit planned as well.

"I hate you, you know." I spat at him with all the anger I could muster even though I knew it sounded pathetic.

He grinned in reply, that smirk that was starting to become my undoing.

"I know." He stated breaking up the silence.

Then there was a knock at the door, and I knew this was the beginning of the end.


	11. The Beginning of the End

**Chapter Ten**

_The Beginning of the End_

"_Life and death appeared to me ideal bounds, which I should first break through, and pour a torrent of light into our dark world." ~Mary Shelley_

It is possible that when you are expecting the worst possible news of your life that memories seem to flash before your eyes. Everything you thought you knew up to that moment is washed away from sight and new horrors take their place. The friends you thought you once had might have never been real. The parents you thought raised you might not truly be related. The enemies you swore you would never talk to…become something more than you ever believed possible.

"It's time." The dark voice of my once demanding professor explained through the shallow door to my room. I changed into the robes that Draco had wanted me to wear, not caring that my lover's eyes were taking in every inch of flesh appearing before him. It's nothing he hasn't seen before, but I still felt like I should have been embarrassed even though at this point it wouldn't have made a difference. Before walking out of the door I felt Draco's arm grip my bicep somewhat roughly.

"This. Whoever it is. Changes nothing. You are who you are because of the people who raised you, because the people who befriended you. Blood makes no difference." Ironic coming from the man whose family places all kinds of standards on blood purity and family names, but I knew his past, and I knew underneath it all he didn't care about his family's beliefs. He was as much an actor in his life as I have been in mine. Two kindred spirits battling against all possible odds.

The walk down to the main parlor felt longer than it should have. I didn't want to know the truth, not really. But a voice inside me was curious, no one had believed when I started school that a Muggleborn witch could possibly advance the way I had in my classes. I felt proud that I overcame all those odds, and now I find out that the real source of my power had nothing to do with chance and everything to do with family lines. I rubbed the quartz bracelet Draco had given me to settle my nerves. I knew he could feel my nervousness through the link but could offer no comfort other than a quick glance of his eyes and an encouraging nod. I waited at the entrance of the room, not taking so much as a step until they called me forward. I chanced a glance up into the eyes of my former professor who had escorted us down. Voldemort was preoccupied in a discussion with Malfoy and McNair to notice our presence. One glance his way and it was all I needed to confirm my suspicions. I didn't need Voldemort reading the results. We had already narrowed down the possibility of paternal suspects and knowing what I did of Voldemort he would have never participated in such acts, but rather enjoyed staying back and watching his followers torture the poor women there. It all pieced together perfectly. The dreams I'd been having, the dark shadow that dragged me from the cliffs, it was him all along. I didn't know whether to laugh at the irony of all the pain he has caused in the past while I was his student, or cry at the knowledge of what he has done without knowing the reasons why.

"Ah, Miss Granger, thank goodness you have arrived. I'm sure you are extremely eager to know what family line you belong to I take it." This was where I knew I had to start acting, I already knew, and even if I didn't I never wanted to know. As bad as my parents had treated me in the past, I didn't want to ruin their memory, especially for the sake of my now half sister.

"Yes." I whispered and looked away from his snakelike eyes in submission.

"You know I am always distrustful of those I keep around me." The Dark Lord's eyes scanned his followers and though many of them started to protest, the look in his eyes kept them from voicing their concern aloud.

"I respect those that follow me, but I never fully trusted them. If it wasn't for you, I could very well still have some suspicions on your father even after all these years of loyal service. You see, back then, I was under the impression he joined my ranks because he had certain distaste for the Gryffindors in his class. Except possibly a certain red haired woman, but that is a story for another time. You see, at first he was against participating in our…escapades. But he was always willing to do what I wanted him to, and I couldn't deny his intelligence, even if his parentage was less than stellar let's say." Ironic considering they were BOTH Half-Bloods, but I wasn't going to voice that aloud either.

"But here you are, standing before me, proof that he was indeed a willing participant, at least back then anyway. This time around he's proven his loyalty in other ways. I'm sure with your intellect you have come to the conclusion about who we speak of. Fascinating by the way, I was told that he never quite cared about you in class, in fact he seemed to constantly refer to you as an "insufferable know-it-all." He laughed at his joke, and those around him not knowing what to say laughed with him. I took a quick second to scan the crowd and notice the disappointed faces on the men in the room. No longer would I be allowed to serve at their parties. I would be classified as off limits and the daughter of one of their own.

"Severus, don't you have anything to say to your daughter?" This was the moment I was most curious for. Whether he would acknowledge me or write me off as a byproduct of lesser moment of his life. Would he try to act the doting parent, even if just for the sake of Voldemort's watchful gaze, or would he play the indifferent card? The man's face was a brick, solid and unmoving. Had he been in the Muggle world, I couldn't help but think he'd have made an excellent card player.

"She's still a Gryffindor and the friend of our enemy, Potter." He sneered, but not with his usual acidic tone.

"Yes, it's disappointing to know that your only known child in this world got sorted into THAT unfortunate house. However, you're missing the possibilities that afford us having her on our side. As a respected daughter she should want to please her parent in any way possible. Who best to tell us Potter's plans and mannerisms."

"She would never betray her friends, even for the sake of blood and duty."

"Pity. She could have made a very valuable ally. Especially if her intelligence is rivaled to yours as mentioned." The other Death Eaters ears perked at the tone and their hopes began to rise at the prospect that I would once again be thrown to their crowd.

"Perhaps if the two spent more time together she may ease up to our side." Malfoy Sr. suggested lightly.

"Excellent idea Lucius. Though I'm sure your son will be disappointed to lose his new toy." I couldn't be sure but I swear I saw Snape's face twitch slightly.

"Actually, my lord. Severus has been a family friend for years, if both of our children are…close…then I would fully support any relations, so long as she denounced her former life and joined our cause, of course." He ended his sentence with a sneer in my direction. I knew he had no real intention of joining our two 'families' as he suggested, but even he couldn't denounce the possibility that with my history and background I could make a great ally to the Dark Lord, and anyone who supported him would be well respected. He was taking a pretty big gamble on both my potential turncoat and Snape's ability to form such relations to his new offspring to get me to switch causes. Especially considering how new all this information was and the fact that I had spent the past 6 years befriended to his worst enemy.

"I think we should leave the happy father-daughter duo to discuss things privately before adding a betrothal to the mix, Lucius. Severus, I give you full permission to allow you to take our prisoner to your home to further your relations with this new discovery. However, I should not have to warn you the consequences should anything happen to her…such as an escape or contact to her…friends. I want updates and will be dropping by periodically to see your progress." The tone in his voice was enough to send shivers of nerves and anger coursing through me. I wouldn't even be allowed Draco's company, at least not at first. I had to disappear with this…stranger…I should have felt some kind of comfort that my situation could have been worse and yet it did little to give me warmth.

He grabbed my arm and with a growl dragged me outside the confines of Malfoy mansion so we could apparate to his house. I had no idea where the professor lived outside of his rooms at school, and somehow I knew it would be nothing like Malfoy's cold prison.

"Don't say a word, not even when we arrive, until I tell you too." He hissed in a whisper and within moments we were transported to a small village. The sign outside the door noted that the place was called "Spinner's End". It didn't look familiar and I wasn't sure where in England we were at the moment. He lifted the wards on his door and pushed me through a little roughly before stalking around the small premises to make sure we were alone. I hugged my arms in comfort wandering what to say to him even when the coast was clear. He took a bottle off a cedar shelf and poured the dark liquid into a shallow tumbler and knocked it back in one gulp before turning to face me.

"Do you know where Potter is?" He asked, not exactly friendly, but not his usual sneer either. I shook my head in decline, especially since I wasn't sure if I was allowed to speak yet or not. I desperately craved to ask him for a drink for myself as well. I knew from the smell it was Firewhiskey and after so long without any of my usual comforts I wanted the sweet liquid.

"Do you know anything you foolish girl!" I shook my head again, I knew the majority of his anger had more to do with the situation at hand rather than myself not being able to give him any information. I still wasn't sure whose side he was on.

"Why did you do it? Why did you kill him? Why did you do what you did to my mother?" It took every ounce of energy and courage to ask him of this, I needed the answer like I needed a shot of the sweet liquor.

"I owe you no explanation for my actions, Miss Granger." He snapped in reply. It was slight, but I could see his shoulders beginning to slump, and he had yet to look in my direction since.

"I can tell you what I've deduced so far. Voldemort," Snape hissed in reference to his overlord's name.

"He mentioned that you joined his ranks because of Harry's father, but it's more to it than that. He mentioned Harry's mother, the red haired woman. It has something to do with her too. All these years we've always thought the worst of you, but in the end it always turned out that you were helping us, at least until you killed Dumbledore. You owe Harry's mother something, it's the sign of a guilty conscience, it's why you continue to help him. I mean you could claim that you were keeping him alive until you could hand him over to the Dark Lord, but Dumbledore trusted you, and there's little that escaped that man. Draco told me he doesn't believe you're evil, he says if you killed your mentor it was because of some higher purpose, something that was set up, possibly at Dumbledore's own hand. How am I doing so far, sir?"

The deadly look he gave in response was all I needed to confirm my suspicions.

"I don't know what Harry is up to. I don't know where he's gone or what Dumbledore gave him to accomplish, more likely you have more intelligence on that end than I could ever have."

His face twisted in thought. I could almost feel the battle warring in him to tell me something, as though he was weighing his options.

"Draco also told me, that even though you can be cold and hard to get to know, that you are always honest, even if it hurts the other person you were always an honest man." He turned away then, began walking up the stairs to where I gathered his private rooms were. I didn't know what to do then, so I sat down on the couch and waited till form cleared the landing.

"I did everything I could to forget her; at the cost to your mother and the other women at the raid. It was thought that no one, or relatively few survived so we never suspected. I didn't know about you."

"Would it have made a difference?" I called up to the shadows where I knew he was standing.

"I don't know." With the sound of the door closing I knew that was all the information I was going to get for the night. I grabbed the bottle of Firewhiskey and began to drink the pain away but a momentary flash of Draco's disappointed face flashed into my mind and I put the bottle down and fell asleep on the dusty couch.

_The girl, a young woman now, was sitting on the edge of the cliff. The shadows seemed endless on her left, the young man still beckoning below next to the crashing waves. But his time the girl did nothing, she sat there, and time stood still, and she fell asleep knowing that she could remain here, neutral to those around her, she could feel the shadows and watch the waves and never have to feel either emotion ever again…_

"_All men live enveloped in whale-lines. All are born with halters round their necks; but it is only when caught in the swift, sudden turn of death, that mortals realize the silent, subtle, ever present perils of life." ~Herman Melville._


	12. Sins of the Father

**Chapter Eleven**

_Sins of the Father_

"_Sadly, sadly, the sun rose; it rose upon no sadder sight than the man of good abilities and good emotions, incapable of their directed exercise, incapable of his own help and his own happiness, sensible of the blight on him, and resigning him-self to let it eat him away." ~Charles Dickens_

So it came down to this, a choice: I could disclose my true intentions to my new found sperm donor and take my chances that he is still loyal to the Order and will help me (fat chance). I could prove my Gryffindor worthiness or stubbornness and it was more often referred to and remain silent and apprehensive. Or I could pretend to see the ways of the Dark Lord, acknowledge my true parentage, and accept a place at his side. He sounded remorseful the other night, but had not since acknowledged my presence in his home. I was a ghost, drifting from room to room, I ate what was provided in the kitchen, I slept in the spare room, I wore the clothes that somehow found their way into my spare dresser, and I read the books that were not forbidden from me in the library. Every once in a while I would rub the quartz bracelet to let Draco know that I was alright. We hadn't spoken, and he's rarely left the confines of his room unless it was to run and do his lord's bidding or rather that was my assumption. Days passed this way, and I soon discovered the reason for his absence. Professor Snape was newly appointed as the Headmaster at Hogwarts, a position that not too long ago his supposed mentor had sat in for many years. So far no one had tried to contact the home, no letters, no visits, nothing. I spent my days reading and drinking from his private stock of alcohol. If he knew, he never mentioned it to me. Perhaps he understood the need, perhaps we were not so different after all. Never had my wandless powers come up in conversation by anyone, otherwise I would have been experimented upon much as Snape had done to me during my detentions. Life should have been blissful, but instead it gave me too much time to worry about my friends and loved ones. It made my stomach curl into itself nauseously.

"Whatever you want me to do, I'll do it, just please tell me something, anything, about what's going on out there. Whatever side you want me to play I'll play it." I cracked one night as I watched his dark form sweep through the parlor. I knew we were alone and I had become so desperate from news about my friends, at this point even making friends with my father would have been preferable to the emptiness that surrounded me all the time.

I hadn't noticed at first but he was limping slightly, favoring his left leg over his right. His face looked worn, tired, drawn, and far beyond his 37 years. He slumped down into his easy chair and motioned for me to bring the small chest that was sitting near the mantle, a chest filled with various healing supplements incase of emergency. He downed two bottles, a soft blue and a dark green and used his wand to bandage the small remains of the gash on his calf before speaking.

"Malfoy tells me you're quite adept at Occulmency, is that correct?" He asked after a few moments of silence.

"Yes, after you quit teaching Harry I helped him study the techniques through a book I found at the library, Ron as well. It was incase we were ever captured we'd be able to hide what we knew from our enemies." I responded wondering where this line of questioning was going.

"If I told you everything you wanted to know, it would put us both in danger. If I showed you what you craved most, the answers to everything I know if running through that know-it-all brain of yours, I would require a pact, you and I, that nothing I say to you could ever be spoken of to anyone else, no matter how much you thought you trusted them."

"A magical pact, like a sworn oath you mean? Should either spill each others secrets then one or both would be killed?"

"Preciously."

I thought about it, what the context meant. It would mean entering each others minds and learning each others secrets. Would I want to see everything he was hiding? It also meant knowing the truth and never being able to tell anyone, not the Order, not Harry, and not even Draco while he lived and breathed. It was a huge gamble, an immense risk, but I had to know, I had to see.

"Yes." I responded directly to him. It took less than a minute, but it felt like an eternity and without warning he grabbed my forearm and I was falling into Professor Snape's mind.

I saw it all, flashes of memories I knew no one had seen before, probably not even Dumbledore though I'm sure he had his guesses. I watched as the boy Snape was constantly beaten by his alcoholic father and forced to wear threadbare clothes and at times find his own supper. I watched as he grew to learn his powers and understand them and eventually show them to two young girls playing out in a field. The sight of the young redhead took my breath away, it was Lily, Harry's mother, and her sister, Petunia. Snape had met her long before they started Hogwarts together.

The memories changed slightly and now school had already started and he watched his best friend, and the only love of his life, find love in another man. He knew he made the mistake when he called her a Mudblood, but he couldn't take the pranks that Potter and his gang were doing to him. He began to seek the company of his Slytherin roommates, particularly in an slightly older classmate by the name Lucius Malfoy. I watched as he and his friends attended gatherings to hear the newly crowned Voldemort, Tom Riddle, who spoke to hundreds of young and old witches and wizards and convinced them to join his cause to purify the magical race. I watched as he heard the news of Lily and Jame's marriage and the impending birth of their child. Then I watched as he took his anger out on an all girl's university. I didn't want to see the look of terror on my mother's face at what he did to her that night, but there was no fast forwarding through memories, or rather, I could not control said forwarding. A flash and there I was in a clearing as he told Voldemort about the prophecy of a boy born in summer who would destroy him, and how Voldemort decided that it was Potter's son and not the Longbottom boy. I watched him plead and cry to Dumbledore to save Lily at all costs, and the disgust on the Headmaster's face when he realized his actions.

Another flash, another memory and I watched as he cast his patronus into the shape of a dove upon discovering her lifeless body in their war ravaged home in Godric's Hollow. Fast forward ten years and his displeasure at seeing Harry begin Hogwarts. His disgust not because of who Harry was, but because he looked just like his father, but his eyes, Lily's eyes, would now haunt him forever. He watched and protected Harry like a hidden substitute father all the while acting as though he couldn't stand to be in the boy's presence. He had wished all those years ago that Harry would have been his and Lily's son, and not James. Then one last memory, a meeting between the Potion's teacher and his mentor, it was Dumbledore, explaining to Severus about horcruxes, and how he had managed to find and destroy all but two, and how the ring would slowly kill him. He explained that the only ties Voldemort had left to the world were the snake Nagini, and Harry. Both would have to be killed in order for Voldemort to guarantee never to return.

"No…" I knew that Snape was still sifting through my own memories since the look of disgust had not vanished yet.

"All this time, all this time Dumbledore knew Harry would have to die. Neither could live…the damn prophecy. So it's all for nothing isn't it. What's the point, even if we win we lose in the end." Clearly this wasn't what I had been expecting. It was as though I hadn't seen anything else in his mind except for that one moment. I knew then that Snape wasn't a traitor, that Dumbledore had begged for his death in the end, but it didn't make it hurt any less.

"Dumbeldore seemed to think there was a way he could escape death, but he hadn't never let me in on how." He didn't say anything else for the next while, though he did manage to get up and hide the Firewhiskey before reclaiming his easy chair.

"So all this time, the only reason you helped us was…"

"Yes." Was he terse reply not even letting me finish.

"Malfoy was not lying, Miss Granger. You are not the first nor will you be the last person to have had a less than fortunate childhood. You can learn from it, or let it control you as you have been letting it do these past few months. Hypocritical as it may seem coming from my lips and knowing what you now know about my own past, learn from it and then use it to help others."

"Like you have, sir?"

"I have had many regrets over the years, Miss Granger, but it seems I now have two reasons that have kept me alive through the best, and worst moments."

I knew I was overstepping my boundaries by asking but I wanted to know, if he'd tell me.

"What reasons?" I asked.

"Doing everything in my power to keep Lily's son alive." He began to get up and walk towards the stairs. He had just about reached his private rooms when at the last moment he turned around and mentioned the second reason.

"The other is you."


	13. Atonement

**Chapter Twelve**

_Atonement_

"_So complex is the human spirit that it can itself scarce discern the deep springs which impel it to action." ~Sir Arthur Conan Doyle_

I had thought the house deserted the next day when I woke from the restless sleep. Barely had I made it down to the last step when I felt two strong arms engulf me. Taken back it took me a moment to recognize the bright blonde hair and fair skin.

"I couldn't get away before now." He whispered into my ear and part of me melted at the feel of his arms around me. He was always so calm and controlled around me, it felt nice to see the mask fall away for however brief a moment.

"What's happening, have you heard anything?" I asked him, knowing that he'd be more in the know about Voldemort's activities and what Snape has been saying about our little arrangement.

"Snape is returning as Headmaster, from there they are planning one last stake out to drawl Potter and the Order to them. He knows Potter won't risk the lives of innocent people."

"What has Snape been telling the Dark Lord about me?" I asked him as he moved his body away slightly.

"That you're neutral. You are no longer in the confidence of Potter or the Order, but neither are you sympathetic to 'our' side yet. He has agreed to let Snape keep you locked up in this house until it's necessary for you to come to your father's aid."

"Do you think Snape will let me go?" I asked him, knowing that he was more familiar to his godfather's habits than I was.

"Not now, but possibly once the battle starts. I couldn't honestly say. How have you been holding up here with him?" He asked with genuine concern in his silver-blue eyes.

"Companionable silence, though I don't feel any different towards him. Maybe less hostility now that he isn't my professor." It wasn't a complete lie, but it wasn't the whole truth either. I didn't feel any family loyalty to him, John Granger would always be my father no matter what the blood test revealed. What changed was my perception of him as a human being, knowing what I did about his past and his reasons, I respected him for the dangerous position he held for Dumbledore all these years and for keeping my best friend alive even when it pained him to look into Harry's eyes.

"Do you have to go back?" I asked him, knowing deep down what his answer would be before he said it.

"Yes. I am to report to Hogwarts tomorrow morning to help sway those students who remained to join the Dark Lord's fight."

"Any word about anyone in the Order?" His face grew dark, I knew he didn't care for any one of my friends, but neither did he support the Dark Lord either. I think if he could have he would have escaped to Europe or America to get away from everything. I wasn't even sure what kept him from going sometimes.

"The Weasley's are all in hiding. Someone swore they saw Potter in some Forest somewhere weeks ago but they haven't spoken about it since. There's a group of refugees camped somewhere in the castle, they constantly pull pranks on a few of the professor's and Snape, but they're a disorganized lot with no real intention other than small pranks." Part of me was relieved, because if someone had been killed or captured it would have been boasted about at Draco's home which was acting as a Headquarters of sorts. In this war, no news was good news at least.

"I take it then Professor Snape is at the castle?" I asked him quizzically.

"Yes. You're still calling him _Professor_ Snape? Even now?" He asked with a slight smirk.

"I had a father, not the best one I'm sure, but respectful enough. I can't call him Severus…because it just doesn't seem right. I suppose I could call him Snape, but he still earns the respect of his title."

"Respect of his title?" He asked raising an eyebrow. "I thought he wasn't to be trusted since he killed Dumbledore?" Oh damn, hadn't thought that through.

"I agree with what you said about him. I think there's more to the story that he's holding to himself." He nodded in agreement and I let out a sigh of relief knowing that the oath wasn't broken.

Draco headed towards the stairs, pulling lightly at my hand to follow. I knew what he wanted, knowing that the next time I saw him we could be on two different sides of the battlefield. Or quite possibly that neither of us or only one of us would survive the final night.

He began to slowly undress me, taking his time when I knew he wanted nothing more than to hurry. It had been a while since our last encounter and it would be longer still if we survived long enough to have another encounter. This could potentially be our last.

"Draco…"I whispered while he began placing light kisses across my neck and shoulders.

"Hmmm…" He hummed against my skin.

"Why don't you leave? Disappear from it all?" I asked barely able to hold on to a cohesive thought.

"Would you?"

"No. I couldn't leave the others." I responded back in between kisses.

"Then neither can I." He replied.

"Why."

"Because of you. _Te Amo._" (I love you). I translated as I lost myself into the pleasure of the night.


	14. Redemption

**Chapter Thirteen**

_Redemption_

"_No man knows till he has suffered from the night how sweet and dear to his heart and eye the morning can be." ~Bram Stoker_

The night went swiftly and the morning bittersweet. I knew I would see him again in a matter of days, if all the plans went accordingly. He replaced his casual wear for that of his Slytherin robes, and I watched as the snake stared at me as though in mockery. I didn't know what to say to him, what do you say to people in these situations? Do I thank him for last night, for the past year? For being the one good thing that has come out in all this horror? I watched as he slipped me a piece of parchment into my hand.

"The house where your sister is currently residing. I altered the memories of the Muggle's watching her into thinking she is one of their own. That way if neither of us survive the war, she will always have a safe home to be raised in." I looked up into his eyes, pushed everything thank you, every prayer, everything I had into this moment for his help through it all. I kissed him with every fiber of feeling I had left into my shattered body knowing that if I was not the one to make it, he would continue to watch over my sister. I felt my stomach flutter and the warmth of his love flow through my veins.

"Being who you are, what you are doesn't change a thing. I would have loved you were you still a Mudblood Gryffindor you know." I tried to take in the context and not the insult in his words.

"I love you." I wanted to say so much more to him at that moment, but I couldn't form the words, and I hope he knew I didn't have to. If it wasn't for him I'd have died of the addictions months ago, and my sister would have died at the hands of Death Eaters. I owed him so much, needed him so much, that in the end I couldn't even thank him for it because no amount of words could express what I needed to say.

His last gesture before leaving was slipping a silver ring on my hand, the emerald shone brightly against the light. He nodded. Kissed me for just a second. Then was gone a moment later. I glanced down at the ring, knowing its true meaning, and couldn't help but smile in response. If we survived this, he would come back from me, no matter who won in the end.

It's been two days, and every hour I tested the door to see if the wards had been let down and every hour I had been disappointed to realize they weren't. I knew something must have been happening for I felt Draco tense through the quartz bracelet. It began late this afternoon and hasn't let up since. Two more hours passed when suddenly I felt a presence in the room, and within seconds a hand grabbed me and I apparated away into a clearing.

"Professor?" It was Snape. I could see the fighting in the distance, the castle walls were torn and bodies from both sides were laying about.

"Go. Help them." He whispered with such forcefulness. We were partially hidden and I could hear Voldemort calling his name from near a building in the distance.

"What will happen to you?" I asked, delaying the inevitable.

"It doesn't matter now." He hissed in reply and pushed me away towards a path that could lead me back to the castle.

I ran, looking back only once to see the pain etched on his face before joining Voldemort in the Shrieking Shack. I ran to the other side of the building, close enough that I could still hear from the outside what was going on, and couldn't believe the figures of the two people crouched down before me.

I ran into the arms of the Boy Who Lived, tears pouring down my face at the sight of his bruised but otherwise healthy body before me. Ron came over next and without any awkwardness hugged me right back. Neither of us could speak without giving away our positions, and part of me was scared to hear what was going on inside the hut.

I could only make out snippets of conversation. Something about mastering a wand, and the snake was there, I could hear her hissing every few seconds. But it was the next moment that caught my breath and nearly broke my soul into pieces. It was the sound of Voldemort letting his pet attack my father, and then silence as they left the house.

Running as fast as we could we ran into the room to help him. I felt my stomach catch at the sight of all the blood.

"Hermione, I need something, a vial or something, anything." I couldn't hear what Snape was saying to Harry, only that Harry looked to be collecting memories in the form of tears from Snape and I knew that he wanted Harry to know the same thing he let me know, the truth.

"Come on, Hermione. We need to get back." Harry shouted as we overheard Voldemort's temporary truce announced to the sky. We had three hours to hand over Harry into the forest before attacks would resume.

"I'll…I'll meet you, inside. Just..give me a few minutes. Please." Time was absolutely short, his pulse was weak and his eyes were struggling to remain open. The snakes poison would take over quickly but I had to say this, before I truly lost him. The boys, confused, nodded and agreed to go on ahead. Harry I was certain would make his way to Dumbledore's office to see the memories, and Ron to see his family and Lavender.

He looked up into my eyes at that moment and I knew it was now or never.

"I never asked for any of this to happen to me. You saw the memories on why I tried to hard here in school, it was so I could compete against those who grew up knowing about magic. I did what I needed to do to fit in and when my live began to spiral out of control I did what I had to do to survive. I had to adequate loving parents. They loved me I suppose, in their own certain way. Even my mother, even though she had no idea what happened to her, they were never cruel, just emotionally distant and I was okay with that. I know you never liked us, we made your life even more difficult during school than we should have, but I know in some way you respected me as well, as much for my brazen courage as for intelligence and cleverness." When he nodded slightly I took a quick breath and carried on.

"I don't know if it makes a difference now, I don't even know who will come out the victor of tonight's battle and I find that knowledge both frightening and thrilling. I respect what you did for us, what you have done for me. Even if I hadn't been your daughter I know now that you would have still tried to find a way to keep me safe." I placed a hand on my stomach, knowing that something was growing inside there now and smiled at the dying man before me.

"I love my parents. But I would have…no…I AM proud to call you my father. For all your faults, through all the hardships, you are an honorable man, and I will do everything in my power to know my children grow up to hear your name and the brave man you once were. I am proud to call myself a Snape, and will carry on our line at whatever cost. This child will know love, something that has been denied to us, and his father. He will know peace, even if it takes another 20 years to achieve, and he will know truth, about you, about me, about all of this. I wish I had had the time to know you better, but you're a good man, Severus Snape. You'll be remembered as a hero I'll make sure of it." I watched as he closed his eyes on last time. The ghost of a smile resting on his face and I knew that after all this time, at last, he had found peace.

And with one last glance at his still form I turned and fled into the waiting arms of my friends.

I found everyone sans Harry waiting in the Great Hall. Bodies, dead, alive, in limbo, strewn all across the floor. People were waving to me, others trying to get my attention to see how I was. There was only one person I wanted to see, and he was hiding half in shadows between two pillars away from the crowd.

"He's gone." I cried as I let myself break down in tears. I knew there would be shocked faces around me, for why would two former enemies be hugging as though in a lovers embrace. I couldn't have cared less.

"I know. I felt your sorrow." He whispered and pointed to the bracelet.

"I couldn't save him, but I got a chance to tell him, everything. I was sworn to secrecy, an oath that I couldn't break but he was always fighting with us, he was never the traitor. He loved Harry's mother back in his school days and he never stopped fighting to keep her son alive. And he was proud of me, even before he knew who I was, because I reminded him of Lily, a bookworm Muggleborn who surpassed the talents of those whose lines were stronger or better. I told him we would honor him, and I would carry on his line with pride." I smiled as I took his hand and brought it to my small stomach. I watched his eyes widen in shock and a small smirk grace his features. I knew he would be happy, but we still weren't safe yet. Voldemort was still out there and no one had heard a thing from Harry in hours.

"What happened here?" I asked him quietly.

"Potter and Weasley and the outcasts that were hiding in the castle forced Snape and the rest of the Slytherin's to make a choice. They fled outside the castle where the Order and the teachers began barricading the grounds."

"Why did you stay?"

"I made a choice. Potter understood, he knew I was helping keep you safe even if he didn't understand the reasons. I told him you were alive, and in a safe location, and he left me alone."

"Hermione!" I heard a voice shout and looked behind me to the shocked voice of a small red haired girl. If Freud was still alive he would have a field day with Harry dating a girl who was so much like his mother.

I broke my embrace from Draco and gave the smaller girl a hug. I knew she wouldn't ask about Draco, not while the fight was still going on.

"What happened to you?" I noticed the tears in her eyes, and I knew that I was not the cause of them, someone, or a group of someone's close to us had died, and I didn't have to look far to notice whom.

"It's a long story." I whispered in shock as I saw the still bodies of Tonks, Remus and Fred. There were others, but this three were as close to me as blood over the years, and Tonks and Remus had just had a baby not too long ago, a boy, now an orphan.

Time stood still and we waited for that countdown to come. We had no idea that Harry, having already watched Snape's memories, had already turned himself over to Voldemort.

They were coming towards the castle in waves it seemed. I never suspected Voldemort had so many supporters. Men, woman, kids, giants, arachnids, and many more. But in the front, leading the group, was Hagrid, holding the lifeless body of the boy who had survived so much in the past. It looked like there was only one horcrux left now. The snake.

"Hermione, Draco. Why are you still over there? Your friends and family are waiting for you here." Voldemort taunted as he found us standing off to one side. Curious looks from the Order and my classmates, wondering why I, a Muggleborn, was included in the mix.

"Why would I join you after you murdered my father?" I barely had the strength to say it, inside my heart was breaking into a million more pieces as those closest to me kept getting killed. But I knew, no matter how much pain I was feeling, Ginny was a thousand times worse.

"You saw that did you. Most unfortunate really but I had no choice, I needed to master the wand from him." I had no idea what he was talking about.

"Draco?" Lucius motioned towards his only son and heir.

"Go. To. Hell." He retorted without feeling. Voldemort laughed. It was just the distraction that was needed for the rest of the plan to go into effect.

"Harry!" Shouts were coming from everywhere as they watched the Boy Who Lived, yet again, rise up from Hagrid's large arms.

"Neville! Kill the snake!" I heard Harry shout as all chaos broke loose. I don't know where the sword of Gryffindor came from, someone swore they saw the sorting hat lying amongst the rubble near Neville's foot, but I wasn't certain. The last part of the battle barely lasted longer than 20 minutes. With the snake gone, Voldemort was left mortal, and would remain Harry's kill. Draco and I spent the entire time battling his father, his mother nowhere to be seen. That night, Draco Malfoy unleashed 18 years of rage on the person who sired him, and felt no remorse when he saw his pale form crumble to the ground to dust.


	15. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

_Bittersweet_

"_No man knows till he has suffered from the night how sweet and dear to his heart and eye the morning can be." ~Bram Stoker_

"So what happened then?" The young blonde, now lounged on the grass in front of the older woman's feet, quill still scribbling intensely, catching every word and phrase the old woman said.

"Peace. Voldemort was dead and with him many of his followers. Whoever wasn't killed that night were eventually hunted down by Auror's and stood trial. Harry Potter married Ginny Weasley and later went on to have 3 children who have since grown and have had children of their own." The woman exclaimed with a smile on her face.

"Ron Weasley eventually married Lavender Brown and had two children of their own."

"And Hermione Granger?" The smirk replaced with a genuine smile, knowing the end of the story but still waiting to hear it from her grandmother's mouth.

"She changed her name to the most ridiculous title ever "Hermione Jean Granger Snape Malfoy. Married the little ferret who both terrorized her and saved her in so many ways. She had some children, who now have some annoying grandchildren." The old woman eyed the young blonde and glared happily and for a second she let herself stare off into the distance towards the headstone of said man.

"She survived. She did exactly what her father and husband wanted her to do and use her experience to help others. She left her little sister with the family she was staying with because they loved her as their own. But every year she would check up on her to see how she was."

"Any regrets?"

"None."

Not many years later, the gray haired woman went to sleep for the last time. She knew the dream that would come to her that night and smiled in anticipation.

_The young woman stood before the cliffs. The young boy no longer standing next to the crashing waves. The dark shadows no longer closing in. She stood there until she felt two sets of hands take hers. The young blonde on her right, the dark haired man on her left, and she smiled knowing that she too has found peace and salvation after so many years of darkness and sin. _

Envy, wrath, gluttony, sloth, greed, lust, pride…they live in all of us, in some form and at some time. I thought I had given up hope the night I took that first sip, popped that first pill, but it turned out it was just the beginning. The beginning of a journey that would include pain, loss, friendship, love, forgiveness, and acceptance. And I never forgot my friend, Elizabeth, the girl who started it all.

"_It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way-in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only." ~Charles Dickens_

**DONE! FINALLY! It took all day but it's finally complete. Now to finish the other one!**


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